Stressed Eilonwy is Stressed
and, in fact, miserable.
What I desperately need is three months (ie: 'til mid January) to do nothing but teach (and not that, if I could help it) and read for comps.
Current Stress:
221 LECTURE: Tomorrow I must lecture on A Midsummer Night's Dream. While on one hand, that's a piece of cake (better that than just about any other play, and I can talk about staging for half the class) it's still a lot of work to prep the lecture and the power point and to then be ready to stand in front of an entire lecture and my prof.
221 PYRAMUS & THISBE: I am currently leading about 15 undergraduates in a "production" of Pyramus and Thisbe. It goes up on Wednesday in class (a week from tomorrow), so on one hand it's short-term stress, on the other, though, it's additional time and effort.
PFF: This class has been fairly useless and it requires a great deal of effort-- not to mention twice monthly THREE HOUR seminars on Friday afternoons, plus other workshops and such. I am very close to withdrawing from it, but it may well be too late in the semester. (Just looked-- I have 'til Nov 8th to withdraw... I will make that decision very soon. I promised myself I'd stick out this year but... why? I shouldn't make this decision while I'm this upset, though.)
SLEEP APNEA: This one is a multi-part cause of stress. First, the apnea itself which causes me to be tired all the time. I know most people are sleepy in the mornings, for example, but I could barely keep my eyes open during the Blackfriars Conference, and these were all papers I was interested in. Imagine how you feel after catching perhaps only 2 hours of sleep-- that's how I feel every day.
Add to that the fact that the people who are processing my prescription (for the machine) are incredibly incompetent (I spoke with them today.)
And the fact that my insurance company has denied my claim.. I now get to spend $1000 for a machine which may or may not help me to actually feel better. Turns out I can spend $225 on a humidifier (gotta buy that regardless, evidently) and "only" $105/month in a rent-to-own scheme (which is how I'll go because I am not convinced that this is going to entirely work. Judging from the nightmares I had when I used the !#@$ machine in the sleep lab, I may not be able to keep the damn thing on when there's not a tech to come rushing in and admonish me.)
I will be emailing/calling the health insurance for a clarification of their denial, of course. My mom said it could just be something like messed up paperwork. I, however, am a cynic, and am fairly certain it's because my apnea is only "moderate" meaning I am unlikely to die in my sleep because of it. This would be more reassuring if it weren't for the fact that I'm likely to die while falling asleep in my car or something equally stoopid, and still caused by the sleep apnea. Even more likely is the fact that I am not exactly functioning very well, and so I honestly don't know that it's at all possible for me to continue this career. Melodramatic? Perhaps. But honestly true. I don't know that I'll be able to write the diss at this point (or pass the comps) let alone struggle for tenure! This is BULLSHIT. My body is defective and I can't afford to get help. And I can't say that anyone really understands, either, which is equally frustrating.
COMPS: Most people get 6months to a year to prep for comps. I get 3months, while I try to do everything mentioned above and below as well.
VACUUM: Is broken. Gots to fix.
CATS: Still a bit worried about Jackjack's spot (on his tummy) but it actually looks less bad than it did before (it hasn't shrunk, but less of it is scabby.) Callie's feline acne seems to be clearing up even though I can't get her to let me clean it with anything. (I did, however, take away the plastic bowls.) So that's good stuff. But then there are the ferals... There's a kitten I need to catch (and doing so, and taking care of him will probably run about $200 in vet bills-- shots, neutering/spaying, check-up, food, medicine) and at least 5 adults I should try to catch and get TNRed (Pigpen, as before, Tigger, the gray tabby who's friendly, a new Tuxie, and the new gray-ish cat with the white tip to his tail, and a couple of moo-cows I never caught.) I need to raise $300 before I can contemplate these endeavors, though. I considered another raffle (the last was very successful) but then remembered that those are, actually, technically, illegal.
GIRL-PLUMBING: Probably as a result of stress, I've been having some, relatively minor but very very very irritating, issues. I shan't say more here, 'cause I don't want to lose readers.
STUDENTS: The problem? I has them. No, most of them are great, but how can I focus on studying when I have teaching and vice versa? And some of my students are ... difficult. Apparently the 17% student saw the prof today and he cannot recall the name of the book we are currently reading. She directed him to talk to some other people here at the university, but he's evidently resisting the idea that he might have memory trouble. He is, however, the extreme version of many students here, frankly. (One student went to the prof to complain that she'd gotten a D on the exam. She said she'd googled all the answers and studied for 3 days, so how could she have done so poorly?!)
MONEY: I'm not, like, unable to pay my bills on a regular basis (thank goodness), with the exception of the unexpected things, like this sleep apnea equipment. But I need to get to the Globe this May, as part of my dissertation work, and I don't have $3500 to do it. (Plus food costs.) I have no ideas. I'm all out.
CONFERENCE: Honestly, I'm still frustrated by the conference even though it has now been over for several days. I spent a lot of money and a lot of time to attend and it was ... not great. Good parts? Absolutely. Awful parts? Yes. And the worst was my own "roundtable." I honestly think I'd have gotten more out of just flying out to VA and hanging with Spade and peeps from C'ville.
Yesterday a graduate student here at ASU, while in his professor's office, took out a gun and fatally shot himself. I am very sad for his family, for his friends, for the professor who must feel so guilty and helpless, and of course for the student himself who felt that was his only recourse. But honestly? I completely understand him. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, 'cause I'm not, but I'm frustrated and angry and sad and scared and lonely and isolated and so, so fucking exhausted.
So now I'm going to do some German homework in an attempt to play catch up in that class (I'm behind by a week's worth of work AND I have to make up a quiz). Then hopefully I'll still have some time to work on the power point for tomorrow's lecture before German class. I don't think I'll go home right after class, though, 'cause I still have 101 stuff that needs doing and such. Sigh.
What I desperately need is three months (ie: 'til mid January) to do nothing but teach (and not that, if I could help it) and read for comps.
Current Stress:
221 LECTURE: Tomorrow I must lecture on A Midsummer Night's Dream. While on one hand, that's a piece of cake (better that than just about any other play, and I can talk about staging for half the class) it's still a lot of work to prep the lecture and the power point and to then be ready to stand in front of an entire lecture and my prof.
221 PYRAMUS & THISBE: I am currently leading about 15 undergraduates in a "production" of Pyramus and Thisbe. It goes up on Wednesday in class (a week from tomorrow), so on one hand it's short-term stress, on the other, though, it's additional time and effort.
PFF: This class has been fairly useless and it requires a great deal of effort-- not to mention twice monthly THREE HOUR seminars on Friday afternoons, plus other workshops and such. I am very close to withdrawing from it, but it may well be too late in the semester. (Just looked-- I have 'til Nov 8th to withdraw... I will make that decision very soon. I promised myself I'd stick out this year but... why? I shouldn't make this decision while I'm this upset, though.)
SLEEP APNEA: This one is a multi-part cause of stress. First, the apnea itself which causes me to be tired all the time. I know most people are sleepy in the mornings, for example, but I could barely keep my eyes open during the Blackfriars Conference, and these were all papers I was interested in. Imagine how you feel after catching perhaps only 2 hours of sleep-- that's how I feel every day.
Add to that the fact that the people who are processing my prescription (for the machine) are incredibly incompetent (I spoke with them today.)
And the fact that my insurance company has denied my claim.. I now get to spend $1000 for a machine which may or may not help me to actually feel better. Turns out I can spend $225 on a humidifier (gotta buy that regardless, evidently) and "only" $105/month in a rent-to-own scheme (which is how I'll go because I am not convinced that this is going to entirely work. Judging from the nightmares I had when I used the !#@$ machine in the sleep lab, I may not be able to keep the damn thing on when there's not a tech to come rushing in and admonish me.)
I will be emailing/calling the health insurance for a clarification of their denial, of course. My mom said it could just be something like messed up paperwork. I, however, am a cynic, and am fairly certain it's because my apnea is only "moderate" meaning I am unlikely to die in my sleep because of it. This would be more reassuring if it weren't for the fact that I'm likely to die while falling asleep in my car or something equally stoopid, and still caused by the sleep apnea. Even more likely is the fact that I am not exactly functioning very well, and so I honestly don't know that it's at all possible for me to continue this career. Melodramatic? Perhaps. But honestly true. I don't know that I'll be able to write the diss at this point (or pass the comps) let alone struggle for tenure! This is BULLSHIT. My body is defective and I can't afford to get help. And I can't say that anyone really understands, either, which is equally frustrating.
COMPS: Most people get 6months to a year to prep for comps. I get 3months, while I try to do everything mentioned above and below as well.
VACUUM: Is broken. Gots to fix.
CATS: Still a bit worried about Jackjack's spot (on his tummy) but it actually looks less bad than it did before (it hasn't shrunk, but less of it is scabby.) Callie's feline acne seems to be clearing up even though I can't get her to let me clean it with anything. (I did, however, take away the plastic bowls.) So that's good stuff. But then there are the ferals... There's a kitten I need to catch (and doing so, and taking care of him will probably run about $200 in vet bills-- shots, neutering/spaying, check-up, food, medicine) and at least 5 adults I should try to catch and get TNRed (Pigpen, as before, Tigger, the gray tabby who's friendly, a new Tuxie, and the new gray-ish cat with the white tip to his tail, and a couple of moo-cows I never caught.) I need to raise $300 before I can contemplate these endeavors, though. I considered another raffle (the last was very successful) but then remembered that those are, actually, technically, illegal.
GIRL-PLUMBING: Probably as a result of stress, I've been having some, relatively minor but very very very irritating, issues. I shan't say more here, 'cause I don't want to lose readers.
STUDENTS: The problem? I has them. No, most of them are great, but how can I focus on studying when I have teaching and vice versa? And some of my students are ... difficult. Apparently the 17% student saw the prof today and he cannot recall the name of the book we are currently reading. She directed him to talk to some other people here at the university, but he's evidently resisting the idea that he might have memory trouble. He is, however, the extreme version of many students here, frankly. (One student went to the prof to complain that she'd gotten a D on the exam. She said she'd googled all the answers and studied for 3 days, so how could she have done so poorly?!)
MONEY: I'm not, like, unable to pay my bills on a regular basis (thank goodness), with the exception of the unexpected things, like this sleep apnea equipment. But I need to get to the Globe this May, as part of my dissertation work, and I don't have $3500 to do it. (Plus food costs.) I have no ideas. I'm all out.
CONFERENCE: Honestly, I'm still frustrated by the conference even though it has now been over for several days. I spent a lot of money and a lot of time to attend and it was ... not great. Good parts? Absolutely. Awful parts? Yes. And the worst was my own "roundtable." I honestly think I'd have gotten more out of just flying out to VA and hanging with Spade and peeps from C'ville.
Yesterday a graduate student here at ASU, while in his professor's office, took out a gun and fatally shot himself. I am very sad for his family, for his friends, for the professor who must feel so guilty and helpless, and of course for the student himself who felt that was his only recourse. But honestly? I completely understand him. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, 'cause I'm not, but I'm frustrated and angry and sad and scared and lonely and isolated and so, so fucking exhausted.
So now I'm going to do some German homework in an attempt to play catch up in that class (I'm behind by a week's worth of work AND I have to make up a quiz). Then hopefully I'll still have some time to work on the power point for tomorrow's lecture before German class. I don't think I'll go home right after class, though, 'cause I still have 101 stuff that needs doing and such. Sigh.