One I Never Have
Title: One I Never Have
Author: eiko_lotus & yun_miyake
Length: One shot
Pairing: we’re back to those who own our soul
Summary: True love is when you able to let someone you love go for their happiness and not yours
Rate: PG
Genre: Angst (total ?)
Disclaimer: We lost janken to Johnny so he owned Arashi since then.
Warning: English was not and never will be our first language, so sorry if you found misplaced grammar here and there since we’re just too tired to do betaing. Happy reading... ^__^v
“Matsumoto Jun.”
“Ohno Satoshi.”
The teacher’s voice can be heard inside a bright classroom that morning, Ohno raised his hand when the teacher mentioned his name, he looked behind and smile to the boy who seated there. Jun, his childhood friend, they are friends since forever, since kindergarten, elementary school and now they are in Junior High, Jun always beside him, and Ohno always be there for Jun too. They are completing each other.
This year, they will graduate from Junior High School and continue their education at the same High School, they had talked about it the night before. Basically, Ohno would go wherever Jun go, he feels comfort and happy if Jun decided everything for both of them.
Ohno is the member of badminton club, the only thing that Jun hated, but Jun always comes to support him if he joins a champion, which he rarely wins. Recently he often gets flu and easily getting tired, Jun suggested that it’s better for him to quit his activities, but Ohno ignored him. Until one day, he collapsed after his regular practice, that’s when he stopped his badminton membership and did like what Jun said, focused on his study before the final exam.
Ohno isn’t as clever as Jun on academic, but he is good in art. He often draws something during the lesson and got himself scolded when the teacher found out. He always write a simple conclusion before he goes to bed on his diary, he never forget to write about Jun too. Pictured him as the fairy in his boring life, he had found his first love in the very young age and he hopes he can make Jun his everlasting love one day, when the time allowed.
***
“Are you guys dating?”
More than once, their friends asked the same thing, both of them shook their head and smiled shyly to each other, they are just friends, or Ohno expected more than that, but he never had any braveness to say what he feels deep down inside his heart.
He loves Jun, every single thing from him is lovely.
When they are in High School, they were placed in different classes, Ohno is in class A and Jun is in class C. Ohno often pay attention to Jun from distance when the other talk with his friends. When Jun play baseball at the school yard, or when he sat down quietly at the library, studied seriously.
Jun had turned into a very handsome one, he grows taller than Ohno, he loves fashion and he always makes sure that his bag color changed every week. But Ohno stay the same, he doesn’t really care about how he looks.
Each day, his feeling towards Jun grow stronger, but Ohno keeps it, he isn’t ready yet to tell it to Jun, and what if Jun only consider him as a friend? It will ruin everything between them. Every day, they walk home together, Jun would talk about his class activity to Ohno who becomes his loyal listener.
“I answered the right thing but the teacher didn’t agree with me,” Jun’s face formed a cute pouting, “She ashamed me in front of whole classmates.” He continued.
“She is just jealous of you.” Ohno commented.
“Jealous?” Jun questioned.
Jealous of your perfect look, Ohno stated inside his mind.
“Nothing Jun, would you treat me ramen today?” Ohno chuckled.
Jun smacked his arm, but then placed his hand around his shoulder. Jun’s perfume hit his nose and Ohno felt so calm, they continued their steps to their houses and waved goodbye when they have to be apart.
***
“I think I must absent today,” Ohno called Jun on the phone, his flu is getting worse and he got headache.
“Again? You have to visit doctor Satoshi kun, I will accompany you, let’s absent together,” Jun’s voice was so worry and panic as if Ohno was attacked by a danger disease.
“I’m okay Jun, you have test today, don’t be silly,” Ohno smiled to his phone, he imagined how Jun looks when he’s panic and too much worry about him.
“Get well soon, I’ll be there as fast as the school finished, okay?” Jun ended the call. Ohno rolled on his bed, he wants to throw up, he crawled from his bed to his toilet and vomit there. Maybe Jun was right, he should go to the doctor.
Around noon, his headache gets better, he walked slowly to his kitchen to make a cup of coffee, that’s when the door fluttered open and Jun entered. He is still on his uniform, his bag on his shoulder, he approached quickly to him and stand tall in front of him.
“Are you okay?” Jun questioned, but before Ohno could answer, he already continued, “I was so worry Satoshi, I got bad dream last night, that you sank at the dark lake and I couldn’t find you, no matter how hard I tried,” Jun’s hand pulled him into a tight hug, Ohno almost drop his cup.
“Jun, I am fine,” Ohno laughed, he is happy that Jun showed him an overreaction of his little flu, it erased the doubt in his heart that Jun loves him. That they love each other from the very beginning, but too shy to say.
Ohno was able to convince Jun that he didn’t need to go to the doctor and they enjoyed the whole evening watching the DVDs. Jun felt asleep on the couch, and Ohno didn’t want to wake him up, he stared to the peaceful face that he never see when Jun awake. He caressed Jun’s face softly, so it won’t wake him, he must let Jun know how he feels or he would be someone else’s.
***
“Jun would you like to go with me tomorrow?” Ohno asked when they walked home together, they just finished their final test, swung the bag to their shoulders lightly, going somewhere will be a great entertainment, and Ohno wants to tell everything to Jun. He already prepared two tickets to the central amusement park. He handed it to Jun who receipted it with lifting eyebrow.
“Is it a date?” he questioned.
“Yes,” Ohno gladly answered, Jun blushes for no reason and Ohno loves it.
Jun smiled to him, his brown hair glowed under the evening sunset, he grabbed Ohno’s hand and gripped it along the way. Ohno was so happy that he forgot how he couldn’t answer the tests just now, as long as Jun besides him, he can face the world.
***
He was ready to go, he repeated the words he would say to Jun when they meet, confession words that he prepared since last night, it’s strange how nerves he is facing Jun that he knew since forever.
But right when he opened the door, a great headache suddenly attacked him and this time with nosebleed, Ohno looked at his fingers which covered by blood, but he forced his hand to move to his phone, typed short message to Jun that he wants to cancel their plan because he has to go somewhere and it was urgent.
He can’t remember anything, his head hit the floor and the consciousness left him.
When he woke up, he’s in the hospital bed, his mother is sitting on the chair, she looked at him with wary eyes.
“Satoshi, can you hear me?” she asked. Ohno nodded.
“The doctor wants to explain something, he would be here in a moment,” his mother said, Ohno mumbled his answer, he felt empty and weird, he was okay this morning, he cursed inside his head, Jun must be very disappointed because he suddenly canceled their plan.
When Ohno fully gained his consciousness, the doctor brought him and his mother to another room. The young doctor gestured him to sit down, Ohno looked to his mother who tried to smile just to encourage him.
“You suffered leukemia.”
Ohno heard the doctor spoke to him, his brain tried to absorb it longer than usual, leukemia? Him? it means he can’t live normally anymore, it means he must go to hospital every now and then to depend his life, it means he can’t be with Jun. He would never make Jun happy if he’s sick and face the death.
“We can give you chemotherapy, your case is still in first stadium, you’ll be fine,” the doctor said, Ohno turned his head to his mother, her eyes glistened but she was calm enough to reply what the doctor said, that she’s agreed, as long as it can save Ohno’s life.
His delayed confession to Jun never happens, Jun was so disappointed that he cancelled their plan, he denied to talk to Ohno for almost a week before returning to his usual self. Ohno had promised himself that he would never let Jun know the truth, Jun would be sad and worry for him. Ohno doesn’t want to see Jun’s tear falling from those beautiful eyes, so he kept it secrets, including his feeling for Jun.
Ohno’s life never been the same since then, even though he pretended to everyone that there’s nothing happens to him. Every time he goes for dialysis, he would lie to Jun that he went fishing, Jun doesn’t like it because he loves his fair skin.
Days changed into weeks, into months, into years. Ohno and Jun separated when they decided to take different path of their university education. For Ohno, maybe it’s just a distraction from his thoughts of facing the death which approach him each day, so he just take a short course to become a kindergarten teacher. He remembered how Jun’s face turned into disbelief expression when he said his decision.
“A kindergarten teacher? Don’t be silly Satoshi, I thought you want to become an expert on art thing,” Jun rolled his eyes to him.
“I already decided,” Ohno answered shortly, “Good luck Jun, take care of yourself, I’ll visit you if I have time,” Ohno sourly smiled, Jun would depart to another city, and they will rarely meet from now on. Maybe Jun would meet up with someone there and get marry, have children, Ohno thought bitterly.
He accompanied Jun to the station on his departure day, Jun holds him so tight and said that he would go back home when he has enough time. Ohno nodded, didn’t say anything, his throat was dry and he held his tear from falling, what if the death come faster to him? he would never see Jun again, or hear his voice on the phone. He waved his hand to Jun for the last time, prayed that Jun would have a happy life and bright future, and of course a good partner, so much better than him. Jun deserves it.
***
All of his wishes for Jun were granted, Jun graduated from university and got his first job as a secretary of a lawyer, meanwhile Ohno struggled for his life. He happily read Jun’s mail on his phone while lying after long day of dialysis, asked Jun if everything is going well. Jun would tell him every detail, just like what he did when they were kids, where Ohno was a loyal listener.
Ohno teaches at the kindergarten near his house, even though he often absent due to his health. However he must be grateful that he is still alive, with no possibility of totally recover. He still do his habit to write his diary after a long day, to tell how much lucky he is, surrounded by good people and to have a friend like Jun, who never change.
Jun get married with his own boss, Sakurai Sho a year later, Ohno attended the wedding, he was sincerely happy for Jun, his everlasting love who never becomes his. Sakurai Sho is a good looking man, Jun had introduced him to Ohno before they get married, he said jokingly to Sakurai that he would never forgive him if he ever hurt Jun.
Jun had become Sakurai’s partner, but Jun still share his life with him, not as intense as he did before he got married but it’s enough to make Ohno smile. Jun is still Jun that he knew since they were kids.
Ohno still struggle for his life, he has dialysis more often than before, he couldn’t visit Jun when he gave a birth to his first child but he sent lots of gifts along with his apologize.
A year later, Jun, his husband, and their son, Kazunari moved to Ohno’s town, they lived nearby. Jun often visit him when he’s boring to stay at house all day long. Ohno would play with Kazunari meanwhile Jun cook something for them, it should be this way, Ohno thought. If only the leukemia never lay on him, he would become Jun’s husband and enjoy the beautiful Sunday just like now. Where Jun cook something for them, while he is playing with their kid.
When Jun left, Ohno wrote longer diary than usual, this is the first time he felt so sad and complained the reality. He should own Jun, nobody loves Jun like him, know every side of Jun’s, understand how Jun feels and know what Jun wants. He cried his heart out, hope the death would come earlier so he wouldn’t feel anymore sorrow.
But life goes on, Ohno heaved deep sigh before stepping out of his house, today he would meet Kazunari at school, it’s the kid’s first day. Yesterday he had called Jun to talk to Kazunari, convinced him that everything will be okay because he is the teacher. Kazunari is a shy boy, unlike his parents. Ohno loves the boy like his own son, and it surprised him how he can communicate so well with the kid.
The first day went so well, Kazu still adapt himself to the new situation, but with Ohno beside him, the kid was so much calmer and he got few friends. Ohno told Jun proudly when he came to pick up Kazu. Ohno would be so glad if he can teach Kazu until the time for him to enter the elementary school, but the doctor said the different thing.
“Ohno kun, you have to reduce your activity, you need bed rest,” the doctor showed his diagnose, Ohno indeed have more headache and nosebleed recently but he ignored it, he knows it’s his body limit to survive from the disease.
“Let me teach for a week sensei, there’s something I need to do before leaving,” Ohno said, the doctor’s face turned unhappy but he nodded.
“Don’t force yourself,” he said kindly.
Ohno promised that he would stop his activity next week and rest properly. He backed home with indescribable feeling, he lost his weight rapidly and he must add extra lie when Jun questioned it. He can’t lift Kazunari anymore due to lack of strength, but before he die, he wants to hand something to Jun through the kid. He wants Jun to know that he always pay attention on him, always love him at the first place.
As he reached home, he slid out the sketch book from its case, he had created it in since forever and recently he drew it at hospital, while read Jun’s email about his new campus, his new friends, his boyfriend, his marriage and the last was his baby son, Kazunari. Ohno made a little sketch for the kid as well, to show that he loves Kazunari too. He smiled but also cry at the same time, his fingers explored Jun’s sketch, loving someone doesn’t mean he has to own him. Jun is happy with his little family and it’s enough for Ohno, he had witnessed the happiness with his own eyes and he can die peacefully after this.
He goes to school as usual the next day, welcomed Kazu with warm embrace, but the one who took him to school was Sho. Sho said that Jun must go outside the town for something, he wished Ohno good day and left. Ohno watched Sho until he disappeared with his expensive car and returned his attention to his students.
He inserted the sketch to Kazu’s bag at lunch time, he had spent more time with Kazu than the other students. Told him a story about two best friends who stay loyal to each other, and that was the last day for him at school, because he passed out in the evening when he just got home.
***
“Satoshi, can you hear me?”
Jun’s voice, Ohno thought. Why is Jun here? He can’t be here, he should be at home for his family instead of taking care of him.
“Satoshi,” he said again.
Ohno opened his eyes, his vision was blur and the headache won’t leave him. Jun was there, holding his hand, his face was so pale as if he was the one who suffered illness.
“Satoshi, look at me if you hear me,” Jun said again, Ohno tried hard to focus his sight, his body was hurt like hell, he can’t move his muscle even his lips, just to answer Jun, to tell him that he is okay and Jun doesn’t need to worry.
“Sir, we need to check him once again,” the nurse announced, Ohno felt Jun freed his hand hardly and he heard Jun cried. No Jun, don’t cry for me, Ohno screamed inside his head. He heard Jun talked with his mother, she explained everything including Ohno’s will to hide it from Jun.
***
“Jun, don’t cry,” Ohno said, he wiped the tears on Jun’s cheek with his finger. Jun shook his head and kept on crying, he never leave Ohno’s side since he hospitalized four days ago, ignored Ohno who told him to come back home because his husband and Kazu need him. But Jun is stubborn and didn’t listen to someone else, he stayed beside him.
Stayed, until his last moment. It was the bright Sunday morning, Ohno suddenly want to eat ramen, he mentioned it to Jun who disappeared for a moment. He had pursued Jun to leave the hospital, he has family to be taken care of but Jun would keep silent and ignored him.
Jun came back with a bowl of ramen that he made himself. He feed him, but only for two spoons when Ohno can’t swallow it anymore. Ohno felt the weird happiness sneaked him, as if the ramen Jun made was a cure for his illness.
“J-jun,” he called weakly, Jun put down the bowl and leaned to him, he took Ohno’s hand and attached his head to his. He wants to hold Jun but he can’t move, so he asked Jun to do it.
“C-can y-ou h-hold m-me?” he requested.
Jun didn’t ask question, he cuddle Ohno’s head to the crook of his arm, Ohno saw Jun’s face is right above him, a face he loves too much. A face that he wants to smile happily forever.
“Satoshi, do you need something else?” Jun asked with hoarse voice as the sign that he cried too much.
“Jun.”
“Mmm?”
“I-l-love y-you,” Ohno said with all his might because he felt so sleepy and worried that he felt asleep before he can say it. He didn’t know how Jun react to this because his eyes were so heavy, he closed it and fell into a strange dream. All of his memories flashed backwards, the last one was two boys on kindergarten uniform walked together, holding hands.
***
Matsumoto Jun leaned totally to his husband, all the funeral sequence had drained his energy. He never once thought that his best friend will leave him that soon and added with the fact he had hid his acute sickness for more less 10 years from Jun.
‘I love you Jun.’ Tears coming down from his eyes. He finally heard the words he was waiting for the whole life from Satoshi, but it was said just before the man closed his eyes forever in his arms. If only the words said earlier, their whole story life would be different.
Jun slumped down on his bed, he really couldn’t feel anything else. His heart holed, where the biggest place which was owned by Satoshi now had ripped off by the death. He will never saw Satoshi’s cute face when he picked Kazu, never going to hear the calming chuckle whenever he made bad joke or supporting pat on his back to assure him he could go through anything and taking the world on his own. But none of those will ever happen again. There will be no more Satoshi for him in this life.
Jun thought his tears had dried away the whole week he was waiting for Satoshi on his hospital bed. But no, he was wrong. His tears still streaming down his cheek, and nothing he could do to stop it. He didn’t want to stop it. No one would understand how he felt. How he had lost the light in his life, the love that made him survive the whole years. no, no one, not even his husband Sho could replace Satoshi.
Jun didn’t know how long he had sat there, he barely noticed everything, not even when his own son knocking on the door, asking to be let in.
“Kazu, don’t bother Daddy for a while, come, let’s eat with me.” Jun heard Sho calming the kid, but he didn’t want to move, didn’t want to go out, didn’t have any needs to do anything than surrounded in the black shadow within his heart. He didn’t want to go on without Satoshi, he didn’t know how to survive without him.
He wants to see Satoshi, wants to hold the smaller in his arms again, wants to give him the kisses he had been wanted to do since they were still in school. He wants Satoshi. With that thought, Jun rose from the bed, opened the bedroom door and ran out when he kicked Kazu’s bag that kid left carelessly in the living room.
“Jun !” Sho ran to him directly, tried to pull him off the floor, but Jun’s eyes were fixed on the opened black sketch book that flew out from Kazu’s bag.
He crawled to it, staring at his own face that stared at him. It was the first picture of him that Satoshi made when they were in junior school. He remembered how he was embarrassed when Satoshi asked him to model for him. He wasn’t a good looking back then, just an awkward gingerly teenager but Satoshi looked at him as if he was the world’s number one model. He flipped the pages one by one, and it was all his face in it. The one when he played baseball during high school. When he fall asleep when he accompanied Satoshi to fish, when he was sat inside the train that took him away from his home town, until the day of his marriage, it was all stored in the sketch book, drawn with charcoal as Satoshi always do. And on the last page was a picture of him cooking in Satoshi’s apartment with Kazu and him playing on the floor. Jun squinted his eyes to read small writing on the corner. ‘the thing I would never have’ and again, blackness covered Jun as he passed out in the living room.
“Jun, could you please stop all of this?” Jun barely processed Sho’s words in his head. He held the cold cloth on his face. Sho had put it on his forehead when he passed out since his body temperature rose highly.
“I know you’re sad, but please stop torture yourself, you have me, you have Kazu, your son that still need his daddy.” Sho sat on the bed beside him but Jun couldn’t face him. How could he face the man he marries without he even love him. He adores Sho, all his heart, but his love is only Satoshi. He turned to his side, completely avoid the man he married 5 years ago.
“What do you want me to do? Faking a smile to him? Taking care of him with half life? Cook you dinner? Fine, I’ll do that! Just leave me alone!” Jun threw him the cloth he was holding. He just want to be alone, holding on the memories that Satoshi had left him.
“Jun, you can avoid me, feel free to do so, but not Kazu. Not to our son.” Sho voice raised and that was the first time Jun ever heard it in their marriage. It was the next second when he heard the door slapped shut hard.
Jun couldn’t do anything else than let him out. He should never marry Sho. If only faith had their side, Kazu should be his kid with Satoshi. But he knew that will never happen. His phone then chose the wrong time to ring. He was about to ignore it, but the tone was the one he ever set for one phone, it was the tone for Satoshi. Jun quickly grabbed the phone and answer it.
“Jun-kun, could you please come to our house? We have something that you should have.” Ohno’s mother voice heard and he could clearly sensed the sad tone in her voice. He promised to go there quickly. He got out the bed and changed his clothes. His house was empty when he went out, Sho must had drove Kazu to school. He went to Ohno’s house. The house where he had spent most of his time.
“Jun-kun, we’re sorry for never say anything to you. But Satoshi is too stubborn, he forbid us to say a word.” Ohno mother told him when they had sat in the living room but Jun’s eyes didn’t see her. His eyes fixed on the small altar in the corner, the one with Satoshi’s picture on it. His tear rolled down, only one, as if picturing his loneliness within.
“I think Satoshi would want you to have this.” The old lady handed him an envelope with his name written on it with shaking lines.
Jun stared at the soft blue envelope, wondering what had Satoshi left for him and if sensing his doubt, Ohno’s mother added.
“Would you want to go to his room? We never change anything ever since.”
Jun nodded his grateful, the lady might had sensed his willingness t be left alone right now. That, or she also need her own alone time with her son. Jun climbed on the stair, he knew the house so well like his own house, and Satoshi’s room was his own room. The room welcomed him with Satoshi’s scent and somehow he knew he had come home. He looked around to see nothing had changed including the bed where they use to sleep and have slumber party, just the two of them.
Jun sat himself on the bed, stroking the bed sheet slowly. It felt cold, but Jun could still smell the faint scent of Satoshi over it. Tears were again force to come, but Jun held them in, he didn’t want to ruin the only place where Satoshi still ‘exist’. He opened the envelope when he felt ready to be alone with the one he truly loves. Still wonder what more that Satoshi could ever give him.
A book fell when he emptied the envelope. Not just some book but a diary with their picture on it. Jun opened the first page, noticing the date was when they in kindergarten with typical kid’s hand writing.
‘Jun is my friend’ Jun smiled reading it, remembering the day when they first met. Satoshi was a weird kid, rarely talk and no one wants to play with him. But not Jun, he plays with the older and the older protect him from other since he was too small. Weird, but that they were.
Jun read the next pages when Ohno wrote about they went to the same elementary school. The way Satoshi wrote made Jun smiled. Satoshi was never a talker, but his writing was more interesting since there were many unrelated words, but Jun understand it, as much as he understood Satoshi.
‘Ogura sensei scold me again. He said I shouldn’t draw dragon ball during classes. He even brought up my bad grade and made all kids laugh, but Jun got mad, he told Ogura san that he will help me to learn. So we spent the afternoon studying, the one I hate so much, but since it is Jun that insist, I just follow what he wants.’
Jun’s smile got bigger remembering the trouble they had caused to their home class teacher. He remembered how Satoshi will dozing off in class if not drawing caricature all over his studying book. And Jun was always be the one dragged him to study.
They were in the same elementary school so Jun must assure that they will stay together until junior and high school. That was the reason he always chase Satoshi to learn. Though he knew, Satoshi’s drawing will be enough for him to live.
‘Jun promised to come and see me in a completion! That’s great isn’t? I wonder if I could win the competition for him. If I win, I will give him the medal, that’s a promise.”
Jun chuckled, yes, Satoshi did won the competition and handed the medal to him. But the school took it, saying since he compete under the school’s name, then it should be kept by the school.
It wasn’t the matter of the medal for Jun, but knowing he was the reason Satoshi worked hard, practiced every day, chasing the shuttlecock around, it was enough for him. More than enough, he felt loved. A tear coming down.
‘I passed out on a competition, what a shame! And not only that, I made Jun cry because of worrying me. He had been nagging me to stop the badminton since months ago when I got headache but this might be the right time to obey him. I don’t want to see his tears ever again.’
Jun wiped his tear off. That’s true, Satoshi kept apologizing for making him cry that day and kept remembering the day as if it was yesterday. That also the day when Satoshi start to obey him, following him everywhere, guarding, taking care of him. That was also the day, he knew he loves Satoshi for all his life.
‘are you guys dating? Oh, I wish I could answer yes when Mao-chan asked it to us. I know I would date Jun, I would want to make him happy. I know I will give him whatever he wants, even my life. Hehehe…’
“Satoshi you silly!” Jun chuckled but also knew his cheek wetted by the tears again. How could they be so stupid, holding on each other secret totally, and not saying the 3 words each other been dying to hear. How cruel faith could be playing with their lives.
‘this is so sad, we go to the same high school but we got different class. I don’t think I could survive without Jun beside me.’
That was definitely the hardest part in his teenage life. He couldn’t see Satoshi whenever he wanted to and he couldn’t feel calm when Satoshi was not there. But then they find their time. He will wait for Satoshi on the gate, or vice versa so they still could go home together and they always spent the rest afternoon fooling around. How he remembered he questioned himself whether they were still friends or not. And the answer was not. He wants more from Satoshi.
‘Jun changes, well, physically. It’s killing me seeing how other students drooling over him, especially when he played the baseball. How I wish I could scream and tell them that Jun is MINE! Or at least I wish it true.’
“yes Satoshi, I am yours, always yours.” Jun tears were streaming down more freely in his cheek. He did join the baseball club since it was the only one had matching schedule with Art club where Satoshi joined. He wanted to wait for Satoshi, spent more time with him even for only another five minutes.
‘ok, that’s it! I can’t hold it any longer. I will tell Jun that I love him. I will ask him to date me, or even better, I will just going to ask him to marry him. Yeah, that’s the greatest idea. I will ask him to marry me after school, we both could go to college together, taking part time and we will live together. Just me and him, just the two of us. I even had bought him a necklace, do you think it will work? Will he say yes?’
“yes, Satoshi, Yes! If only you asked me, I will say yes, we could get marry that day instantly, I won’t care whatever, only if I could have you for me, only me.” Jun’s sobs got bigger. His tears falling down onto the book, he held it close to his chest, as if he was holding Satoshi in his arm. He remembered the planned date. How he was excited that day. He couldn’t sleep that night, eager to wait the next day and when the morning really come, he got confuse on what to wear. He still remembered his choice of cloth that day, purple tee with blue checkered shirt. He waited in front of the park but Satoshi never come.
‘Leukemia? I got Leukemia? How come? All I remember I was ready to meet Jun, asking him to marry me, but then I got nosebleed and passed out in the gekan. Mom was so worry. I don’t know what I would do in the future, and I’m afraid of what to come.’
Jun shook his head. So Satoshi had known his illness since the beginning, but didn’t say anything to him. But again, he was very mad at that time, he didn’t talk to Satoshi, thinking he just playing around and didn’t love him as much I love him. He treated Satoshi worse when the other was in his deepest sadness. Satoshi must be very afraid in his life and he wasn’t there beside him.
‘Jun finally talk to me again, I was already to give up when he didn’t talk to me the whole week. I thought it was the best for us. I can’t let him know. He will cry, and sad and I can’t do that to him. I don’t know how this medication can help me but if it could add another minute for me to be with Jun, I’d do anything.
“Satoshi, how could you be so stupid. I won’t cry if I knew, I will stand beside you and taking care of you” Jun’s head now on his palm. How he could be so stupid to not recognize the symptom, he seldom saw bruises on Satoshi’s hand but that guy said it was only a paint.
‘I decided to take the teacher for kindergarden course instead going to the college as Jun and I had planned. I don’t know how long my time left, but I rather Jun didn’t know anything. I wished I could die when he was still in college so he won’t see me suffering and he won’t be sad.’
How could Satoshi thought about it? How could he thought of leaving Jun alone with no clue of what happened to him? Jun knew he will never forgive himself if he let Satoshi faced the death alone, without him.
‘Jun said he met someone great, named Sakurai Sho. Finally the day comes. The day when I had to hold my breath and see someone else loves Jun. I just want what best for Jun, anyone that made Jun happy is enough for me. I could never give Jun the happiness, the family he always wanted. Not with this leukemia in my blood. I know there is nothing I could do than seeing him taken by someone healthy that could provide him anything. But why it still hurt?’
Jun thought he couldn’t go on and about to stop reading but a picture fall down from the book.
‘See this gorgeous baby? His name is Kazunari, Jun’s son, the light when I lay in the hospital bed for a week now. When Jun told me he was pregnant, I was so happy, I screamed a lot until mom told me to shut up, and now, he got this little angel. Jun decide to use the name that I gave him. This kid had the moles, just like Jun’s. I bet he will be a heart breaking guy when he grows up. God, I beg you, give me more time to see him grows.’
Jun wiped his tears. Which guy would be so happy to see a kid that wasn’t even his beside Satoshi? Jun took the name Satoshi gave because deep inside, he wished the kid was Satoshi’s instead of Sho’s. but who he kidding, Kazu will forever be his and Sho’s.
‘Jun’s coming back home! He said Sakurai will open new law firm in this city and they decided to return back. He will visit me every Sunday together with Kazu. I can’t wait for it. I can’t wait to have a family of my own even if only for a couple of hours.’
Jun cursed himself, he wasn’t the only one that tries to make an imaginary perfect family in his head, he, Satoshi and their kid. That was the only reason he forced Sho to coming back to his hometown, Sho was about to refuse the idea but Jun threatened him that he will took Kazu to leave with or without him.
That just his imagination work, having the imagination family, but there’s only one truth, Jun realized now how much Satoshi had loved him. He sacrificed his own happiness to see him happy. He knew now no one could ever love him as much as Satoshi love him, not even Sho’s. He wonders if he could ever be the same with all this revealed now. How he could love Sho. Heck, he knew that he never loves the man he marries, he adores him, idolizing him but not love.
“Satoshi, please come back…” Jun whispered softly while again cries his heart out until knock come.
“Jun, can I come in?” Sho head pocking in from the door. Jun was about to tell him to get out, but his husband had slipped in.
“I think we need to talk or just hear what I will say ok?” Sho kneeled in front him. His eyes were fixed on the picture beside Satoshi’s bed, a picture of him and Satoshi that Sho took on their marriage.
“I’m sorry that I yelled at you this morning. But I need you to know that there’s life ahead you. Ohno-san will never forgive me if he knew you cry. Jun, I knew you never love me, but I knew my love to you will be enough to get our family survive, even though it might not as big as how Ohno-san loves you.” Jun stared in disbelief when he heard the last sentence.
“yeah, I knew he loves you so much to hand you to me. on the day of our wedding, Ohno-san came into my room before I stood on the altar. He told me I was the luckiest guy on earth for marrying you and that if I knew how much you mean to him, I had to protect you better, I would give you whatever you want, made you the happiest guy on earth, love you like the world will end tomorrow. That was when I realized your best friend might had love you the best that even I can’t compete with that. But please Jun, let me try it. Let me love you and even if you couldn’t love me back in the end, that’s fine for me.” Sho took his hand in his, squeeze them together, begging him to consider his words.
Jun head fell down, he never heard Sho talked about his conversation with Satoshi and now his own husband offered him a life that he was ready to be left behind, knowing he loves Satoshi.
“Sho, I do love you, I adore you…” Jun’s nose ran down, he must look like a mess, but it didn’t stop Sho to hold him tight into his hug.
“I know baby, I know, but I know how much you love Ohno-san too. I promise you, we will get through anything together, I will try my best to fulfill my promise to Ohno-san, I will never let you cry, made you the happiest guy.” Sho whispered softly and Jun knew he got no choice than believe all the words.
“Daddy…” a small voice called them and Jun let go of his hold from Sho and kneeled beside his husband to welcome their son. Kazu walked slowly to him, he tried to pull up a smile, remembering how the kid had give Satoshi some happiness. Kazu slipped to his lap, holding a small box in his cute little fingers and handing it to him.
“For me?” Jun asked, his voice hoarded from all the cries he did.
“Ohno sensei told me that I must give this to you when you are sad.” Kazu told him with his tiny voice, he was confused. Jun knew why, the kid didn’t really understand what had happened. He hasn’t understand why everyone cry, why he cries. He arched his eyebrow, opened the box with one hand.
There, inside the box was a simple necklace with JS charm. Jun and Satoshi. That must be the necklace Satoshi had intend to give to him years ago and now he got it from Kazu, his son. He didn’t say a word when Sho pulled the necklace out and fastened it around his neck. He stared in tears at his husband, knowing that the other knew he will never let the necklace go but Sho accept it. He felt Kazu’s hand circled his neck innocently and he hold his son so tight, crying shamelessly until the diary fell down, opened on the last page dated the a week ago when Satoshi left in his arms. There was a scramble hand writing on it which he promised Satoshi he will do.
‘Live your life for my sake too, be happy Jun. Love you, Satoshi’
a.n.: Sorry if this so heart breaking, we cried the whole time writing it too... T__T
Author: eiko_lotus & yun_miyake
Length: One shot
Pairing: we’re back to those who own our soul
Summary: True love is when you able to let someone you love go for their happiness and not yours
Rate: PG
Genre: Angst (total ?)
Disclaimer: We lost janken to Johnny so he owned Arashi since then.
Warning: English was not and never will be our first language, so sorry if you found misplaced grammar here and there since we’re just too tired to do betaing. Happy reading... ^__^v
“Matsumoto Jun.”
“Ohno Satoshi.”
The teacher’s voice can be heard inside a bright classroom that morning, Ohno raised his hand when the teacher mentioned his name, he looked behind and smile to the boy who seated there. Jun, his childhood friend, they are friends since forever, since kindergarten, elementary school and now they are in Junior High, Jun always beside him, and Ohno always be there for Jun too. They are completing each other.
This year, they will graduate from Junior High School and continue their education at the same High School, they had talked about it the night before. Basically, Ohno would go wherever Jun go, he feels comfort and happy if Jun decided everything for both of them.
Ohno is the member of badminton club, the only thing that Jun hated, but Jun always comes to support him if he joins a champion, which he rarely wins. Recently he often gets flu and easily getting tired, Jun suggested that it’s better for him to quit his activities, but Ohno ignored him. Until one day, he collapsed after his regular practice, that’s when he stopped his badminton membership and did like what Jun said, focused on his study before the final exam.
Ohno isn’t as clever as Jun on academic, but he is good in art. He often draws something during the lesson and got himself scolded when the teacher found out. He always write a simple conclusion before he goes to bed on his diary, he never forget to write about Jun too. Pictured him as the fairy in his boring life, he had found his first love in the very young age and he hopes he can make Jun his everlasting love one day, when the time allowed.
***
“Are you guys dating?”
More than once, their friends asked the same thing, both of them shook their head and smiled shyly to each other, they are just friends, or Ohno expected more than that, but he never had any braveness to say what he feels deep down inside his heart.
He loves Jun, every single thing from him is lovely.
When they are in High School, they were placed in different classes, Ohno is in class A and Jun is in class C. Ohno often pay attention to Jun from distance when the other talk with his friends. When Jun play baseball at the school yard, or when he sat down quietly at the library, studied seriously.
Jun had turned into a very handsome one, he grows taller than Ohno, he loves fashion and he always makes sure that his bag color changed every week. But Ohno stay the same, he doesn’t really care about how he looks.
Each day, his feeling towards Jun grow stronger, but Ohno keeps it, he isn’t ready yet to tell it to Jun, and what if Jun only consider him as a friend? It will ruin everything between them. Every day, they walk home together, Jun would talk about his class activity to Ohno who becomes his loyal listener.
“I answered the right thing but the teacher didn’t agree with me,” Jun’s face formed a cute pouting, “She ashamed me in front of whole classmates.” He continued.
“She is just jealous of you.” Ohno commented.
“Jealous?” Jun questioned.
Jealous of your perfect look, Ohno stated inside his mind.
“Nothing Jun, would you treat me ramen today?” Ohno chuckled.
Jun smacked his arm, but then placed his hand around his shoulder. Jun’s perfume hit his nose and Ohno felt so calm, they continued their steps to their houses and waved goodbye when they have to be apart.
***
“I think I must absent today,” Ohno called Jun on the phone, his flu is getting worse and he got headache.
“Again? You have to visit doctor Satoshi kun, I will accompany you, let’s absent together,” Jun’s voice was so worry and panic as if Ohno was attacked by a danger disease.
“I’m okay Jun, you have test today, don’t be silly,” Ohno smiled to his phone, he imagined how Jun looks when he’s panic and too much worry about him.
“Get well soon, I’ll be there as fast as the school finished, okay?” Jun ended the call. Ohno rolled on his bed, he wants to throw up, he crawled from his bed to his toilet and vomit there. Maybe Jun was right, he should go to the doctor.
Around noon, his headache gets better, he walked slowly to his kitchen to make a cup of coffee, that’s when the door fluttered open and Jun entered. He is still on his uniform, his bag on his shoulder, he approached quickly to him and stand tall in front of him.
“Are you okay?” Jun questioned, but before Ohno could answer, he already continued, “I was so worry Satoshi, I got bad dream last night, that you sank at the dark lake and I couldn’t find you, no matter how hard I tried,” Jun’s hand pulled him into a tight hug, Ohno almost drop his cup.
“Jun, I am fine,” Ohno laughed, he is happy that Jun showed him an overreaction of his little flu, it erased the doubt in his heart that Jun loves him. That they love each other from the very beginning, but too shy to say.
Ohno was able to convince Jun that he didn’t need to go to the doctor and they enjoyed the whole evening watching the DVDs. Jun felt asleep on the couch, and Ohno didn’t want to wake him up, he stared to the peaceful face that he never see when Jun awake. He caressed Jun’s face softly, so it won’t wake him, he must let Jun know how he feels or he would be someone else’s.
***
“Jun would you like to go with me tomorrow?” Ohno asked when they walked home together, they just finished their final test, swung the bag to their shoulders lightly, going somewhere will be a great entertainment, and Ohno wants to tell everything to Jun. He already prepared two tickets to the central amusement park. He handed it to Jun who receipted it with lifting eyebrow.
“Is it a date?” he questioned.
“Yes,” Ohno gladly answered, Jun blushes for no reason and Ohno loves it.
Jun smiled to him, his brown hair glowed under the evening sunset, he grabbed Ohno’s hand and gripped it along the way. Ohno was so happy that he forgot how he couldn’t answer the tests just now, as long as Jun besides him, he can face the world.
***
He was ready to go, he repeated the words he would say to Jun when they meet, confession words that he prepared since last night, it’s strange how nerves he is facing Jun that he knew since forever.
But right when he opened the door, a great headache suddenly attacked him and this time with nosebleed, Ohno looked at his fingers which covered by blood, but he forced his hand to move to his phone, typed short message to Jun that he wants to cancel their plan because he has to go somewhere and it was urgent.
He can’t remember anything, his head hit the floor and the consciousness left him.
When he woke up, he’s in the hospital bed, his mother is sitting on the chair, she looked at him with wary eyes.
“Satoshi, can you hear me?” she asked. Ohno nodded.
“The doctor wants to explain something, he would be here in a moment,” his mother said, Ohno mumbled his answer, he felt empty and weird, he was okay this morning, he cursed inside his head, Jun must be very disappointed because he suddenly canceled their plan.
When Ohno fully gained his consciousness, the doctor brought him and his mother to another room. The young doctor gestured him to sit down, Ohno looked to his mother who tried to smile just to encourage him.
“You suffered leukemia.”
Ohno heard the doctor spoke to him, his brain tried to absorb it longer than usual, leukemia? Him? it means he can’t live normally anymore, it means he must go to hospital every now and then to depend his life, it means he can’t be with Jun. He would never make Jun happy if he’s sick and face the death.
“We can give you chemotherapy, your case is still in first stadium, you’ll be fine,” the doctor said, Ohno turned his head to his mother, her eyes glistened but she was calm enough to reply what the doctor said, that she’s agreed, as long as it can save Ohno’s life.
His delayed confession to Jun never happens, Jun was so disappointed that he cancelled their plan, he denied to talk to Ohno for almost a week before returning to his usual self. Ohno had promised himself that he would never let Jun know the truth, Jun would be sad and worry for him. Ohno doesn’t want to see Jun’s tear falling from those beautiful eyes, so he kept it secrets, including his feeling for Jun.
Ohno’s life never been the same since then, even though he pretended to everyone that there’s nothing happens to him. Every time he goes for dialysis, he would lie to Jun that he went fishing, Jun doesn’t like it because he loves his fair skin.
Days changed into weeks, into months, into years. Ohno and Jun separated when they decided to take different path of their university education. For Ohno, maybe it’s just a distraction from his thoughts of facing the death which approach him each day, so he just take a short course to become a kindergarten teacher. He remembered how Jun’s face turned into disbelief expression when he said his decision.
“A kindergarten teacher? Don’t be silly Satoshi, I thought you want to become an expert on art thing,” Jun rolled his eyes to him.
“I already decided,” Ohno answered shortly, “Good luck Jun, take care of yourself, I’ll visit you if I have time,” Ohno sourly smiled, Jun would depart to another city, and they will rarely meet from now on. Maybe Jun would meet up with someone there and get marry, have children, Ohno thought bitterly.
He accompanied Jun to the station on his departure day, Jun holds him so tight and said that he would go back home when he has enough time. Ohno nodded, didn’t say anything, his throat was dry and he held his tear from falling, what if the death come faster to him? he would never see Jun again, or hear his voice on the phone. He waved his hand to Jun for the last time, prayed that Jun would have a happy life and bright future, and of course a good partner, so much better than him. Jun deserves it.
***
All of his wishes for Jun were granted, Jun graduated from university and got his first job as a secretary of a lawyer, meanwhile Ohno struggled for his life. He happily read Jun’s mail on his phone while lying after long day of dialysis, asked Jun if everything is going well. Jun would tell him every detail, just like what he did when they were kids, where Ohno was a loyal listener.
Ohno teaches at the kindergarten near his house, even though he often absent due to his health. However he must be grateful that he is still alive, with no possibility of totally recover. He still do his habit to write his diary after a long day, to tell how much lucky he is, surrounded by good people and to have a friend like Jun, who never change.
Jun get married with his own boss, Sakurai Sho a year later, Ohno attended the wedding, he was sincerely happy for Jun, his everlasting love who never becomes his. Sakurai Sho is a good looking man, Jun had introduced him to Ohno before they get married, he said jokingly to Sakurai that he would never forgive him if he ever hurt Jun.
Jun had become Sakurai’s partner, but Jun still share his life with him, not as intense as he did before he got married but it’s enough to make Ohno smile. Jun is still Jun that he knew since they were kids.
Ohno still struggle for his life, he has dialysis more often than before, he couldn’t visit Jun when he gave a birth to his first child but he sent lots of gifts along with his apologize.
A year later, Jun, his husband, and their son, Kazunari moved to Ohno’s town, they lived nearby. Jun often visit him when he’s boring to stay at house all day long. Ohno would play with Kazunari meanwhile Jun cook something for them, it should be this way, Ohno thought. If only the leukemia never lay on him, he would become Jun’s husband and enjoy the beautiful Sunday just like now. Where Jun cook something for them, while he is playing with their kid.
When Jun left, Ohno wrote longer diary than usual, this is the first time he felt so sad and complained the reality. He should own Jun, nobody loves Jun like him, know every side of Jun’s, understand how Jun feels and know what Jun wants. He cried his heart out, hope the death would come earlier so he wouldn’t feel anymore sorrow.
But life goes on, Ohno heaved deep sigh before stepping out of his house, today he would meet Kazunari at school, it’s the kid’s first day. Yesterday he had called Jun to talk to Kazunari, convinced him that everything will be okay because he is the teacher. Kazunari is a shy boy, unlike his parents. Ohno loves the boy like his own son, and it surprised him how he can communicate so well with the kid.
The first day went so well, Kazu still adapt himself to the new situation, but with Ohno beside him, the kid was so much calmer and he got few friends. Ohno told Jun proudly when he came to pick up Kazu. Ohno would be so glad if he can teach Kazu until the time for him to enter the elementary school, but the doctor said the different thing.
“Ohno kun, you have to reduce your activity, you need bed rest,” the doctor showed his diagnose, Ohno indeed have more headache and nosebleed recently but he ignored it, he knows it’s his body limit to survive from the disease.
“Let me teach for a week sensei, there’s something I need to do before leaving,” Ohno said, the doctor’s face turned unhappy but he nodded.
“Don’t force yourself,” he said kindly.
Ohno promised that he would stop his activity next week and rest properly. He backed home with indescribable feeling, he lost his weight rapidly and he must add extra lie when Jun questioned it. He can’t lift Kazunari anymore due to lack of strength, but before he die, he wants to hand something to Jun through the kid. He wants Jun to know that he always pay attention on him, always love him at the first place.
As he reached home, he slid out the sketch book from its case, he had created it in since forever and recently he drew it at hospital, while read Jun’s email about his new campus, his new friends, his boyfriend, his marriage and the last was his baby son, Kazunari. Ohno made a little sketch for the kid as well, to show that he loves Kazunari too. He smiled but also cry at the same time, his fingers explored Jun’s sketch, loving someone doesn’t mean he has to own him. Jun is happy with his little family and it’s enough for Ohno, he had witnessed the happiness with his own eyes and he can die peacefully after this.
He goes to school as usual the next day, welcomed Kazu with warm embrace, but the one who took him to school was Sho. Sho said that Jun must go outside the town for something, he wished Ohno good day and left. Ohno watched Sho until he disappeared with his expensive car and returned his attention to his students.
He inserted the sketch to Kazu’s bag at lunch time, he had spent more time with Kazu than the other students. Told him a story about two best friends who stay loyal to each other, and that was the last day for him at school, because he passed out in the evening when he just got home.
***
“Satoshi, can you hear me?”
Jun’s voice, Ohno thought. Why is Jun here? He can’t be here, he should be at home for his family instead of taking care of him.
“Satoshi,” he said again.
Ohno opened his eyes, his vision was blur and the headache won’t leave him. Jun was there, holding his hand, his face was so pale as if he was the one who suffered illness.
“Satoshi, look at me if you hear me,” Jun said again, Ohno tried hard to focus his sight, his body was hurt like hell, he can’t move his muscle even his lips, just to answer Jun, to tell him that he is okay and Jun doesn’t need to worry.
“Sir, we need to check him once again,” the nurse announced, Ohno felt Jun freed his hand hardly and he heard Jun cried. No Jun, don’t cry for me, Ohno screamed inside his head. He heard Jun talked with his mother, she explained everything including Ohno’s will to hide it from Jun.
***
“Jun, don’t cry,” Ohno said, he wiped the tears on Jun’s cheek with his finger. Jun shook his head and kept on crying, he never leave Ohno’s side since he hospitalized four days ago, ignored Ohno who told him to come back home because his husband and Kazu need him. But Jun is stubborn and didn’t listen to someone else, he stayed beside him.
Stayed, until his last moment. It was the bright Sunday morning, Ohno suddenly want to eat ramen, he mentioned it to Jun who disappeared for a moment. He had pursued Jun to leave the hospital, he has family to be taken care of but Jun would keep silent and ignored him.
Jun came back with a bowl of ramen that he made himself. He feed him, but only for two spoons when Ohno can’t swallow it anymore. Ohno felt the weird happiness sneaked him, as if the ramen Jun made was a cure for his illness.
“J-jun,” he called weakly, Jun put down the bowl and leaned to him, he took Ohno’s hand and attached his head to his. He wants to hold Jun but he can’t move, so he asked Jun to do it.
“C-can y-ou h-hold m-me?” he requested.
Jun didn’t ask question, he cuddle Ohno’s head to the crook of his arm, Ohno saw Jun’s face is right above him, a face he loves too much. A face that he wants to smile happily forever.
“Satoshi, do you need something else?” Jun asked with hoarse voice as the sign that he cried too much.
“Jun.”
“Mmm?”
“I-l-love y-you,” Ohno said with all his might because he felt so sleepy and worried that he felt asleep before he can say it. He didn’t know how Jun react to this because his eyes were so heavy, he closed it and fell into a strange dream. All of his memories flashed backwards, the last one was two boys on kindergarten uniform walked together, holding hands.
***
Matsumoto Jun leaned totally to his husband, all the funeral sequence had drained his energy. He never once thought that his best friend will leave him that soon and added with the fact he had hid his acute sickness for more less 10 years from Jun.
‘I love you Jun.’ Tears coming down from his eyes. He finally heard the words he was waiting for the whole life from Satoshi, but it was said just before the man closed his eyes forever in his arms. If only the words said earlier, their whole story life would be different.
Jun slumped down on his bed, he really couldn’t feel anything else. His heart holed, where the biggest place which was owned by Satoshi now had ripped off by the death. He will never saw Satoshi’s cute face when he picked Kazu, never going to hear the calming chuckle whenever he made bad joke or supporting pat on his back to assure him he could go through anything and taking the world on his own. But none of those will ever happen again. There will be no more Satoshi for him in this life.
Jun thought his tears had dried away the whole week he was waiting for Satoshi on his hospital bed. But no, he was wrong. His tears still streaming down his cheek, and nothing he could do to stop it. He didn’t want to stop it. No one would understand how he felt. How he had lost the light in his life, the love that made him survive the whole years. no, no one, not even his husband Sho could replace Satoshi.
Jun didn’t know how long he had sat there, he barely noticed everything, not even when his own son knocking on the door, asking to be let in.
“Kazu, don’t bother Daddy for a while, come, let’s eat with me.” Jun heard Sho calming the kid, but he didn’t want to move, didn’t want to go out, didn’t have any needs to do anything than surrounded in the black shadow within his heart. He didn’t want to go on without Satoshi, he didn’t know how to survive without him.
He wants to see Satoshi, wants to hold the smaller in his arms again, wants to give him the kisses he had been wanted to do since they were still in school. He wants Satoshi. With that thought, Jun rose from the bed, opened the bedroom door and ran out when he kicked Kazu’s bag that kid left carelessly in the living room.
“Jun !” Sho ran to him directly, tried to pull him off the floor, but Jun’s eyes were fixed on the opened black sketch book that flew out from Kazu’s bag.
He crawled to it, staring at his own face that stared at him. It was the first picture of him that Satoshi made when they were in junior school. He remembered how he was embarrassed when Satoshi asked him to model for him. He wasn’t a good looking back then, just an awkward gingerly teenager but Satoshi looked at him as if he was the world’s number one model. He flipped the pages one by one, and it was all his face in it. The one when he played baseball during high school. When he fall asleep when he accompanied Satoshi to fish, when he was sat inside the train that took him away from his home town, until the day of his marriage, it was all stored in the sketch book, drawn with charcoal as Satoshi always do. And on the last page was a picture of him cooking in Satoshi’s apartment with Kazu and him playing on the floor. Jun squinted his eyes to read small writing on the corner. ‘the thing I would never have’ and again, blackness covered Jun as he passed out in the living room.
“Jun, could you please stop all of this?” Jun barely processed Sho’s words in his head. He held the cold cloth on his face. Sho had put it on his forehead when he passed out since his body temperature rose highly.
“I know you’re sad, but please stop torture yourself, you have me, you have Kazu, your son that still need his daddy.” Sho sat on the bed beside him but Jun couldn’t face him. How could he face the man he marries without he even love him. He adores Sho, all his heart, but his love is only Satoshi. He turned to his side, completely avoid the man he married 5 years ago.
“What do you want me to do? Faking a smile to him? Taking care of him with half life? Cook you dinner? Fine, I’ll do that! Just leave me alone!” Jun threw him the cloth he was holding. He just want to be alone, holding on the memories that Satoshi had left him.
“Jun, you can avoid me, feel free to do so, but not Kazu. Not to our son.” Sho voice raised and that was the first time Jun ever heard it in their marriage. It was the next second when he heard the door slapped shut hard.
Jun couldn’t do anything else than let him out. He should never marry Sho. If only faith had their side, Kazu should be his kid with Satoshi. But he knew that will never happen. His phone then chose the wrong time to ring. He was about to ignore it, but the tone was the one he ever set for one phone, it was the tone for Satoshi. Jun quickly grabbed the phone and answer it.
“Jun-kun, could you please come to our house? We have something that you should have.” Ohno’s mother voice heard and he could clearly sensed the sad tone in her voice. He promised to go there quickly. He got out the bed and changed his clothes. His house was empty when he went out, Sho must had drove Kazu to school. He went to Ohno’s house. The house where he had spent most of his time.
“Jun-kun, we’re sorry for never say anything to you. But Satoshi is too stubborn, he forbid us to say a word.” Ohno mother told him when they had sat in the living room but Jun’s eyes didn’t see her. His eyes fixed on the small altar in the corner, the one with Satoshi’s picture on it. His tear rolled down, only one, as if picturing his loneliness within.
“I think Satoshi would want you to have this.” The old lady handed him an envelope with his name written on it with shaking lines.
Jun stared at the soft blue envelope, wondering what had Satoshi left for him and if sensing his doubt, Ohno’s mother added.
“Would you want to go to his room? We never change anything ever since.”
Jun nodded his grateful, the lady might had sensed his willingness t be left alone right now. That, or she also need her own alone time with her son. Jun climbed on the stair, he knew the house so well like his own house, and Satoshi’s room was his own room. The room welcomed him with Satoshi’s scent and somehow he knew he had come home. He looked around to see nothing had changed including the bed where they use to sleep and have slumber party, just the two of them.
Jun sat himself on the bed, stroking the bed sheet slowly. It felt cold, but Jun could still smell the faint scent of Satoshi over it. Tears were again force to come, but Jun held them in, he didn’t want to ruin the only place where Satoshi still ‘exist’. He opened the envelope when he felt ready to be alone with the one he truly loves. Still wonder what more that Satoshi could ever give him.
A book fell when he emptied the envelope. Not just some book but a diary with their picture on it. Jun opened the first page, noticing the date was when they in kindergarten with typical kid’s hand writing.
‘Jun is my friend’ Jun smiled reading it, remembering the day when they first met. Satoshi was a weird kid, rarely talk and no one wants to play with him. But not Jun, he plays with the older and the older protect him from other since he was too small. Weird, but that they were.
Jun read the next pages when Ohno wrote about they went to the same elementary school. The way Satoshi wrote made Jun smiled. Satoshi was never a talker, but his writing was more interesting since there were many unrelated words, but Jun understand it, as much as he understood Satoshi.
‘Ogura sensei scold me again. He said I shouldn’t draw dragon ball during classes. He even brought up my bad grade and made all kids laugh, but Jun got mad, he told Ogura san that he will help me to learn. So we spent the afternoon studying, the one I hate so much, but since it is Jun that insist, I just follow what he wants.’
Jun’s smile got bigger remembering the trouble they had caused to their home class teacher. He remembered how Satoshi will dozing off in class if not drawing caricature all over his studying book. And Jun was always be the one dragged him to study.
They were in the same elementary school so Jun must assure that they will stay together until junior and high school. That was the reason he always chase Satoshi to learn. Though he knew, Satoshi’s drawing will be enough for him to live.
‘Jun promised to come and see me in a completion! That’s great isn’t? I wonder if I could win the competition for him. If I win, I will give him the medal, that’s a promise.”
Jun chuckled, yes, Satoshi did won the competition and handed the medal to him. But the school took it, saying since he compete under the school’s name, then it should be kept by the school.
It wasn’t the matter of the medal for Jun, but knowing he was the reason Satoshi worked hard, practiced every day, chasing the shuttlecock around, it was enough for him. More than enough, he felt loved. A tear coming down.
‘I passed out on a competition, what a shame! And not only that, I made Jun cry because of worrying me. He had been nagging me to stop the badminton since months ago when I got headache but this might be the right time to obey him. I don’t want to see his tears ever again.’
Jun wiped his tear off. That’s true, Satoshi kept apologizing for making him cry that day and kept remembering the day as if it was yesterday. That also the day when Satoshi start to obey him, following him everywhere, guarding, taking care of him. That was also the day, he knew he loves Satoshi for all his life.
‘are you guys dating? Oh, I wish I could answer yes when Mao-chan asked it to us. I know I would date Jun, I would want to make him happy. I know I will give him whatever he wants, even my life. Hehehe…’
“Satoshi you silly!” Jun chuckled but also knew his cheek wetted by the tears again. How could they be so stupid, holding on each other secret totally, and not saying the 3 words each other been dying to hear. How cruel faith could be playing with their lives.
‘this is so sad, we go to the same high school but we got different class. I don’t think I could survive without Jun beside me.’
That was definitely the hardest part in his teenage life. He couldn’t see Satoshi whenever he wanted to and he couldn’t feel calm when Satoshi was not there. But then they find their time. He will wait for Satoshi on the gate, or vice versa so they still could go home together and they always spent the rest afternoon fooling around. How he remembered he questioned himself whether they were still friends or not. And the answer was not. He wants more from Satoshi.
‘Jun changes, well, physically. It’s killing me seeing how other students drooling over him, especially when he played the baseball. How I wish I could scream and tell them that Jun is MINE! Or at least I wish it true.’
“yes Satoshi, I am yours, always yours.” Jun tears were streaming down more freely in his cheek. He did join the baseball club since it was the only one had matching schedule with Art club where Satoshi joined. He wanted to wait for Satoshi, spent more time with him even for only another five minutes.
‘ok, that’s it! I can’t hold it any longer. I will tell Jun that I love him. I will ask him to date me, or even better, I will just going to ask him to marry him. Yeah, that’s the greatest idea. I will ask him to marry me after school, we both could go to college together, taking part time and we will live together. Just me and him, just the two of us. I even had bought him a necklace, do you think it will work? Will he say yes?’
“yes, Satoshi, Yes! If only you asked me, I will say yes, we could get marry that day instantly, I won’t care whatever, only if I could have you for me, only me.” Jun’s sobs got bigger. His tears falling down onto the book, he held it close to his chest, as if he was holding Satoshi in his arm. He remembered the planned date. How he was excited that day. He couldn’t sleep that night, eager to wait the next day and when the morning really come, he got confuse on what to wear. He still remembered his choice of cloth that day, purple tee with blue checkered shirt. He waited in front of the park but Satoshi never come.
‘Leukemia? I got Leukemia? How come? All I remember I was ready to meet Jun, asking him to marry me, but then I got nosebleed and passed out in the gekan. Mom was so worry. I don’t know what I would do in the future, and I’m afraid of what to come.’
Jun shook his head. So Satoshi had known his illness since the beginning, but didn’t say anything to him. But again, he was very mad at that time, he didn’t talk to Satoshi, thinking he just playing around and didn’t love him as much I love him. He treated Satoshi worse when the other was in his deepest sadness. Satoshi must be very afraid in his life and he wasn’t there beside him.
‘Jun finally talk to me again, I was already to give up when he didn’t talk to me the whole week. I thought it was the best for us. I can’t let him know. He will cry, and sad and I can’t do that to him. I don’t know how this medication can help me but if it could add another minute for me to be with Jun, I’d do anything.
“Satoshi, how could you be so stupid. I won’t cry if I knew, I will stand beside you and taking care of you” Jun’s head now on his palm. How he could be so stupid to not recognize the symptom, he seldom saw bruises on Satoshi’s hand but that guy said it was only a paint.
‘I decided to take the teacher for kindergarden course instead going to the college as Jun and I had planned. I don’t know how long my time left, but I rather Jun didn’t know anything. I wished I could die when he was still in college so he won’t see me suffering and he won’t be sad.’
How could Satoshi thought about it? How could he thought of leaving Jun alone with no clue of what happened to him? Jun knew he will never forgive himself if he let Satoshi faced the death alone, without him.
‘Jun said he met someone great, named Sakurai Sho. Finally the day comes. The day when I had to hold my breath and see someone else loves Jun. I just want what best for Jun, anyone that made Jun happy is enough for me. I could never give Jun the happiness, the family he always wanted. Not with this leukemia in my blood. I know there is nothing I could do than seeing him taken by someone healthy that could provide him anything. But why it still hurt?’
Jun thought he couldn’t go on and about to stop reading but a picture fall down from the book.
‘See this gorgeous baby? His name is Kazunari, Jun’s son, the light when I lay in the hospital bed for a week now. When Jun told me he was pregnant, I was so happy, I screamed a lot until mom told me to shut up, and now, he got this little angel. Jun decide to use the name that I gave him. This kid had the moles, just like Jun’s. I bet he will be a heart breaking guy when he grows up. God, I beg you, give me more time to see him grows.’
Jun wiped his tears. Which guy would be so happy to see a kid that wasn’t even his beside Satoshi? Jun took the name Satoshi gave because deep inside, he wished the kid was Satoshi’s instead of Sho’s. but who he kidding, Kazu will forever be his and Sho’s.
‘Jun’s coming back home! He said Sakurai will open new law firm in this city and they decided to return back. He will visit me every Sunday together with Kazu. I can’t wait for it. I can’t wait to have a family of my own even if only for a couple of hours.’
Jun cursed himself, he wasn’t the only one that tries to make an imaginary perfect family in his head, he, Satoshi and their kid. That was the only reason he forced Sho to coming back to his hometown, Sho was about to refuse the idea but Jun threatened him that he will took Kazu to leave with or without him.
That just his imagination work, having the imagination family, but there’s only one truth, Jun realized now how much Satoshi had loved him. He sacrificed his own happiness to see him happy. He knew now no one could ever love him as much as Satoshi love him, not even Sho’s. He wonders if he could ever be the same with all this revealed now. How he could love Sho. Heck, he knew that he never loves the man he marries, he adores him, idolizing him but not love.
“Satoshi, please come back…” Jun whispered softly while again cries his heart out until knock come.
“Jun, can I come in?” Sho head pocking in from the door. Jun was about to tell him to get out, but his husband had slipped in.
“I think we need to talk or just hear what I will say ok?” Sho kneeled in front him. His eyes were fixed on the picture beside Satoshi’s bed, a picture of him and Satoshi that Sho took on their marriage.
“I’m sorry that I yelled at you this morning. But I need you to know that there’s life ahead you. Ohno-san will never forgive me if he knew you cry. Jun, I knew you never love me, but I knew my love to you will be enough to get our family survive, even though it might not as big as how Ohno-san loves you.” Jun stared in disbelief when he heard the last sentence.
“yeah, I knew he loves you so much to hand you to me. on the day of our wedding, Ohno-san came into my room before I stood on the altar. He told me I was the luckiest guy on earth for marrying you and that if I knew how much you mean to him, I had to protect you better, I would give you whatever you want, made you the happiest guy on earth, love you like the world will end tomorrow. That was when I realized your best friend might had love you the best that even I can’t compete with that. But please Jun, let me try it. Let me love you and even if you couldn’t love me back in the end, that’s fine for me.” Sho took his hand in his, squeeze them together, begging him to consider his words.
Jun head fell down, he never heard Sho talked about his conversation with Satoshi and now his own husband offered him a life that he was ready to be left behind, knowing he loves Satoshi.
“Sho, I do love you, I adore you…” Jun’s nose ran down, he must look like a mess, but it didn’t stop Sho to hold him tight into his hug.
“I know baby, I know, but I know how much you love Ohno-san too. I promise you, we will get through anything together, I will try my best to fulfill my promise to Ohno-san, I will never let you cry, made you the happiest guy.” Sho whispered softly and Jun knew he got no choice than believe all the words.
“Daddy…” a small voice called them and Jun let go of his hold from Sho and kneeled beside his husband to welcome their son. Kazu walked slowly to him, he tried to pull up a smile, remembering how the kid had give Satoshi some happiness. Kazu slipped to his lap, holding a small box in his cute little fingers and handing it to him.
“For me?” Jun asked, his voice hoarded from all the cries he did.
“Ohno sensei told me that I must give this to you when you are sad.” Kazu told him with his tiny voice, he was confused. Jun knew why, the kid didn’t really understand what had happened. He hasn’t understand why everyone cry, why he cries. He arched his eyebrow, opened the box with one hand.
There, inside the box was a simple necklace with JS charm. Jun and Satoshi. That must be the necklace Satoshi had intend to give to him years ago and now he got it from Kazu, his son. He didn’t say a word when Sho pulled the necklace out and fastened it around his neck. He stared in tears at his husband, knowing that the other knew he will never let the necklace go but Sho accept it. He felt Kazu’s hand circled his neck innocently and he hold his son so tight, crying shamelessly until the diary fell down, opened on the last page dated the a week ago when Satoshi left in his arms. There was a scramble hand writing on it which he promised Satoshi he will do.
‘Live your life for my sake too, be happy Jun. Love you, Satoshi’
a.n.: Sorry if this so heart breaking, we cried the whole time writing it too... T__T