Patches 3/15/94 - 7/1/11
Guys, let me tell you about my cat, Patches.
My cat was fucking awesome.
When she was a tiny itty bitty sit-it-the-palm-of-one-hand-sized kitten, she one day decided, "You know what? I wanna eat some marshmallows." Somehow she got on top of the fridge, opened a cabinet, pulled out a bag of marshmallows easily three to four times her size, dragged them the length of the house, ripped the bag open, and proceeded to eat them in the hallway outside my bathroom while she waited for me. She did all this in the span of time it took me to brush my teeth. I still have no idea how she did it.
When she wanted your attention, rather than actually go up to you and say "Hey, pay attention to me", she would go in the bathroom, sit on the toilet tank, and make the loudest meow known to feline kind. A sound that had no business coming out of a small cat. It was a low, deep booowaaaaaoh (some of you know exactly the sound I mean here) made even LOUDER by the echo of the porcelain. She would keep doing this until you eventually got up to go find her (believe me, you could not ignore this sound). And when you finally walked into the bathroom, she'd be all "Oh hey! 'Sup! I was just chillin'. But now that you're here, you wanna pet/feed me?"
She understood lightswitches. If I ever woke up for school late and didn't feed her before going to get ready, she would follow me into the bathroom, jump up on the counter, and turn off the lights while I was peeing. And since I had to get up at the asscrack of dawn, it would then be pitch fucking dark in there. Man, why do so many of my early Patches stories take place in the bathroom?
Okay okay, one more kitten bathroom story. Once my little brother left the toilet seat up and Patches did her usual, hop to the toilet, hop to the counter so I can bug you while you're brushing your teeth thing. Only halfway through her first leap did she realize her mistake. I watched in near slow motion as my cat looked down, saw the open toilet seat, puffed up, shot her arms out like a frigging bullet to catch the top of the lid, actually caught it, and hung on. But then the force of her leap caused the toilet seat to fall shut. As it was falling, she turned and looked at me with this "OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE PLEASE SAVE ME NOW." face as I managed to catch her just before the lid closed. She didn't even get wet.
We bought her a cat bed to sleep in, which she would use during the day. But at night she always insisted in sleeping either on top of my head on my pillow or under the covers with her head on my pillow like she was a tiny little human. Most of the time I did not put her under the covers. I would just wake up with her there all cuddled in my arms like a little teddy bear.
She once bit me on the hand while I was asleep with such ninja precision that I didn't even wake up. My guess is I must have rolled over on her in my sleep since I used to sleep in a back brace because I have scoliosis. Hours later, when I did wake up, I discovered two holes in my palm like I'd been bitten by a tiny vampire, my own blood FREAKING EVERYWHERE, and my cat asleep on the floor on the other side of the room. It is still one of my coolest scars.
Once we accidentally knocked down a picture frame in the hallway on the way out of the house. We didn't really have time to clean it up so we just picked up the big peices of glass, set them ontop the broken frame, and put it on a shelf intending to toss it when we got home. While we were gone, Patches knocked the frame off the shelf and a bit of the broken glass cut off the very tip of her tail. She's always had a short tail, but she made it even shorter. The fur never grew back on the very end of her tail, but you couldn't tell unless you pushed all her fur back. The end of her tail was a bald little nub.
One time she tried to sneak outside while we were bringing in groceries, but didn't make it out before the screen door closed and didn't make it back in before we closed the main door. Like an hour or so later, I hear her meowing, but I can't tell from where. Obviously the first place I checked was the top of the toilet tank, followed by under the bed, behind the bookcase, all the places cats hide, etc. She was no where, but I could hear her. Like she'd cast invisible on herself. Finally I thought, "Maybe she got outside???" and opened the front door to find my cat (and this was the time in her life that she was morbidly obese.. like she weighed nearly 20lbs and was the size of a basketball) squished up between the front door and the screen door just kinda like, "Oh hey! 'Sup! I was.. just.. uh.. chillin'." And then walked inside like nothing had ever happened. I laughed SO HARD. (We later put her on a diet and she got down to normal cat size.)
Patches could do tricks. She could sit down, stand up, lay down, and give high fives on command. I tried to teach her to roll over and she said, "Bitch please. I am not a dog. Now give me a treat for laying down." She loved giving people high fives. It was the only trick she'd do for other people. She would only sit/stand/lay when I told her to.
Most cats tend to freak out on car trips, but not Patches. When I moved to Georgia, she just sat quietly in the passenger seat and watched out the window then later curled up in my lap and went to sleep. She didn't cry, or pee, or barf or anything that I've known other cats to do. I never needed to put her in a carrier to bring her anywhere. The best part was even if she was completely passed out asleep in the passenger seat when I stopped for gas, when I went back to the car, she would ALWAYS be sitting in the driver seat staring out the driver side window going "HEEEEEEEEEEEEY MOOOOOOOOOOOOM."
Patches had the hugest eyes of any cat ever. Most cats typically have.. you know.. colored eyes with slits for pupils. Yeah, not Patches. She was like, "I CAN SEE INTO FOREVER." Her pupils nearly took up her entire eye. And when she was excited, like it was dinner time, they would dialate to the WHOLE thing. You could see no gold bit. ONLY BLACKNESS.
When she was excited or happy, she would purr so loud you could hear her in another room. Also, she was ALWAYS excited or happy. Like... ALWAYS. And she licked people that she liked.
She was afraid of chairs. I could never figure out why. But if you ever picked a chair up off the ground, even by just like two inches, she would FREAK THE FUCK OUT and run away. She was never even intimidated by the vacuum, even when all the other cats were hiding under the bed, but chairs scared the piss out of her.
Once she got really sick and tried to wake Cathe up to tell her I guess? But when Cathe woke up, Patches just pooped on her head. I cannot even type that without laughing. XD
When we got other cats or I had roommates with cats, Patches became Momma/Gramma Patches. She took care of the other cats. She would cuddle with them and hold them down to groom them. A fact that River took FULL ADVANTAGE of. (Seriously, I don't think River ever groomed herself. She'd always just go to Patches and let her do it.) And if the other cats would start fighting, SHE WOULD COME TELL YOU. She would just meow at you until you got up to break up the fight. Those were her babies, man. Especially River.
Several years ago, Patches got cancer and had to have her hind leg aputated. Let me just reiterate this. HAD CRAZY AGGRESSIVE CANCER. HAD LEG APUTATED. SURVIVED. FOR YEARS. After the surgery, she was pissed at me for like a single day and hid under the couch. After that, she didn't even seem to care that she was a tripod. Unless it benefitted her. She would put on this show of "Flop flop. I am a cripple and so sad. So sad that you want to feed me right now. I can't even walk let alone jump up on the couch with you. Sadsadsad." And I would have to be like "Bitch, I saw you running full speed down the hallway not half an hour ago. You were faster than the kittens. Also I have seen you jump up on the couch with only one leg. Do not lie to me."
Not that long ago, Patches had a stroke and went temporarily blind. AND DID. NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK. To the point that we didn't even notice for a week. It seriously didn't even bother her. And then miraculously, just when we thought she was going to be blind forever, her sight came back. The vet was amazed.
My cat was totally boss.
She was 17. SEVENFUCKINGTEEN. I got her for my 12th birthday. I had her for over half of my life. She was completely fucking awesome.
She even let me wear her as a hat.
My cat was fucking awesome.
When she was a tiny itty bitty sit-it-the-palm-of-one-hand-sized kitten, she one day decided, "You know what? I wanna eat some marshmallows." Somehow she got on top of the fridge, opened a cabinet, pulled out a bag of marshmallows easily three to four times her size, dragged them the length of the house, ripped the bag open, and proceeded to eat them in the hallway outside my bathroom while she waited for me. She did all this in the span of time it took me to brush my teeth. I still have no idea how she did it.
When she wanted your attention, rather than actually go up to you and say "Hey, pay attention to me", she would go in the bathroom, sit on the toilet tank, and make the loudest meow known to feline kind. A sound that had no business coming out of a small cat. It was a low, deep booowaaaaaoh (some of you know exactly the sound I mean here) made even LOUDER by the echo of the porcelain. She would keep doing this until you eventually got up to go find her (believe me, you could not ignore this sound). And when you finally walked into the bathroom, she'd be all "Oh hey! 'Sup! I was just chillin'. But now that you're here, you wanna pet/feed me?"
She understood lightswitches. If I ever woke up for school late and didn't feed her before going to get ready, she would follow me into the bathroom, jump up on the counter, and turn off the lights while I was peeing. And since I had to get up at the asscrack of dawn, it would then be pitch fucking dark in there. Man, why do so many of my early Patches stories take place in the bathroom?
Okay okay, one more kitten bathroom story. Once my little brother left the toilet seat up and Patches did her usual, hop to the toilet, hop to the counter so I can bug you while you're brushing your teeth thing. Only halfway through her first leap did she realize her mistake. I watched in near slow motion as my cat looked down, saw the open toilet seat, puffed up, shot her arms out like a frigging bullet to catch the top of the lid, actually caught it, and hung on. But then the force of her leap caused the toilet seat to fall shut. As it was falling, she turned and looked at me with this "OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE PLEASE SAVE ME NOW." face as I managed to catch her just before the lid closed. She didn't even get wet.
We bought her a cat bed to sleep in, which she would use during the day. But at night she always insisted in sleeping either on top of my head on my pillow or under the covers with her head on my pillow like she was a tiny little human. Most of the time I did not put her under the covers. I would just wake up with her there all cuddled in my arms like a little teddy bear.
She once bit me on the hand while I was asleep with such ninja precision that I didn't even wake up. My guess is I must have rolled over on her in my sleep since I used to sleep in a back brace because I have scoliosis. Hours later, when I did wake up, I discovered two holes in my palm like I'd been bitten by a tiny vampire, my own blood FREAKING EVERYWHERE, and my cat asleep on the floor on the other side of the room. It is still one of my coolest scars.
Once we accidentally knocked down a picture frame in the hallway on the way out of the house. We didn't really have time to clean it up so we just picked up the big peices of glass, set them ontop the broken frame, and put it on a shelf intending to toss it when we got home. While we were gone, Patches knocked the frame off the shelf and a bit of the broken glass cut off the very tip of her tail. She's always had a short tail, but she made it even shorter. The fur never grew back on the very end of her tail, but you couldn't tell unless you pushed all her fur back. The end of her tail was a bald little nub.
One time she tried to sneak outside while we were bringing in groceries, but didn't make it out before the screen door closed and didn't make it back in before we closed the main door. Like an hour or so later, I hear her meowing, but I can't tell from where. Obviously the first place I checked was the top of the toilet tank, followed by under the bed, behind the bookcase, all the places cats hide, etc. She was no where, but I could hear her. Like she'd cast invisible on herself. Finally I thought, "Maybe she got outside???" and opened the front door to find my cat (and this was the time in her life that she was morbidly obese.. like she weighed nearly 20lbs and was the size of a basketball) squished up between the front door and the screen door just kinda like, "Oh hey! 'Sup! I was.. just.. uh.. chillin'." And then walked inside like nothing had ever happened. I laughed SO HARD. (We later put her on a diet and she got down to normal cat size.)
Patches could do tricks. She could sit down, stand up, lay down, and give high fives on command. I tried to teach her to roll over and she said, "Bitch please. I am not a dog. Now give me a treat for laying down." She loved giving people high fives. It was the only trick she'd do for other people. She would only sit/stand/lay when I told her to.
Most cats tend to freak out on car trips, but not Patches. When I moved to Georgia, she just sat quietly in the passenger seat and watched out the window then later curled up in my lap and went to sleep. She didn't cry, or pee, or barf or anything that I've known other cats to do. I never needed to put her in a carrier to bring her anywhere. The best part was even if she was completely passed out asleep in the passenger seat when I stopped for gas, when I went back to the car, she would ALWAYS be sitting in the driver seat staring out the driver side window going "HEEEEEEEEEEEEY MOOOOOOOOOOOOM."
Patches had the hugest eyes of any cat ever. Most cats typically have.. you know.. colored eyes with slits for pupils. Yeah, not Patches. She was like, "I CAN SEE INTO FOREVER." Her pupils nearly took up her entire eye. And when she was excited, like it was dinner time, they would dialate to the WHOLE thing. You could see no gold bit. ONLY BLACKNESS.
When she was excited or happy, she would purr so loud you could hear her in another room. Also, she was ALWAYS excited or happy. Like... ALWAYS. And she licked people that she liked.
She was afraid of chairs. I could never figure out why. But if you ever picked a chair up off the ground, even by just like two inches, she would FREAK THE FUCK OUT and run away. She was never even intimidated by the vacuum, even when all the other cats were hiding under the bed, but chairs scared the piss out of her.
Once she got really sick and tried to wake Cathe up to tell her I guess? But when Cathe woke up, Patches just pooped on her head. I cannot even type that without laughing. XD
When we got other cats or I had roommates with cats, Patches became Momma/Gramma Patches. She took care of the other cats. She would cuddle with them and hold them down to groom them. A fact that River took FULL ADVANTAGE of. (Seriously, I don't think River ever groomed herself. She'd always just go to Patches and let her do it.) And if the other cats would start fighting, SHE WOULD COME TELL YOU. She would just meow at you until you got up to break up the fight. Those were her babies, man. Especially River.
Several years ago, Patches got cancer and had to have her hind leg aputated. Let me just reiterate this. HAD CRAZY AGGRESSIVE CANCER. HAD LEG APUTATED. SURVIVED. FOR YEARS. After the surgery, she was pissed at me for like a single day and hid under the couch. After that, she didn't even seem to care that she was a tripod. Unless it benefitted her. She would put on this show of "Flop flop. I am a cripple and so sad. So sad that you want to feed me right now. I can't even walk let alone jump up on the couch with you. Sadsadsad." And I would have to be like "Bitch, I saw you running full speed down the hallway not half an hour ago. You were faster than the kittens. Also I have seen you jump up on the couch with only one leg. Do not lie to me."
Not that long ago, Patches had a stroke and went temporarily blind. AND DID. NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK. To the point that we didn't even notice for a week. It seriously didn't even bother her. And then miraculously, just when we thought she was going to be blind forever, her sight came back. The vet was amazed.
My cat was totally boss.
She was 17. SEVENFUCKINGTEEN. I got her for my 12th birthday. I had her for over half of my life. She was completely fucking awesome.
She even let me wear her as a hat.