Thank you for existing
I've been wanting to post something for a long time already.i just feel the need to let it all out and hope that it will somehow makes me feel better. So what's new? I got my first semester's result. Nope, I didn't get Dean's list for last semester. I'm pretty sure god hates me because I thought I've done my best. I've gotten my result for a week already and didn't even tell my parents yet. I don't know how and they will say something that makes me feel like my existence is useless especially my mom's words. im not even joking.words can be harsh and trust me I'm not someone who take what people say about me seriously.usually I was like I don't give a single fuck at all.but when it's your mom or your own family, it's completely different you know.
My semester break is almost over.just one week left and then I'm back to Perak,with my 'quite' new friends,new house,living alone,real life,classes,stress,new lecturers,new assignments,new or might not new classmates,gossips which IDGAF about and other things.including the lies that I've told people and also not mentioning having to keep a straight face in front of other people.you see, that's my life.thats real life I have to live. I'm not exactly happy if you ask me...not at all.but on the bright side, it's better than in puncak alam, thank God.
If you ask me, what's the best thing that ever happened to me in 2013 so far?i would say the day (it's night actually) I discovered Danisnotonfire, jacks gap and all other youtubers on 25/1/2013. One night I just came across one of dan's videos and it makes me smile and happy despite having a shit life. My favorite video by dan would be between The Meaning Of Life or College Dropout because everything that he felt, I can relate to it. How he managed to get out of his feelings about life,people, the future and the anxiety he has been feeling, is beyond amazing. He's an amazing guy and now I think he likes what he's doing.he's living with his best friend, he has his own radio sow in which he co-host with his best friend, he makes youtube videos, he has all these people that support him, he has great friends, and most importantly he just do what he wants to do. He actually quit university because he couldn't stand it. I think there's many people out there like that. Quit something that you have been told to do for the rest of your life, and then at some point you discovered something you want to do or you just happen to be good at it, you realize that you have to take whatever chances there will be, you gather all your courage and step out of your comfort zone, doing something you are not used to do and people are saying wow you make a wrong choice so now your life is fucked and at the end, it doesn't matter because you are happy and you feel like you are not trapped anymore. You have no idea how much I wanted to get away of everything right now but I'm afraid that I might regret it later on and how I have owe my parents and family so much.i cannot be selfish and I cannot think like this.
I'm depressed. I'm pretty sure I am. I don't want to talk to my friends, I don't want people to talk to me, I don't care about them and i don't even care if they don't care about me, I push other people out of my life, I like to be alone, I only listen to my songs and just watch youtubers because somehow they understand what I've been going through that nobody will understand. The thing is I actually feel normal and like this is what I want to be in, not care about the outside world at all. I haven't met my friends in so long. im pretty sure ive lost them and its fine. i feel empty and somehow even though I don't have anyone with me right now, I feel okay and I think I can still be happy.
Let me tell you about The Fantastic Foursome. Dan, Phil, Chris and PJ have saved my life. If you tell me what i do on youtube before 25/1/2013, my answer will always be music, music and music. after that, its all about my favorite youtubers who now mean a lot to me. Before this, I used to think that that bands understand me and how they have helped me through a lot in my life and yes it's true, it is really true. Without my favorite bands and their encouraging song lyrics, I don't know where I would be. However, lets face it. Band members lead a happy life. I know they are concern about their fans but I don't think they have personally going through what we, the fans have been through. Just look at Alex gaskarth, he has been with his girlfriend for like 6 years, his best friends and band members like half of his life, he lives his life with partying all the time with his friends, he's touring all over the world playing in shows, meeting his fans and be friends with other bands, what I'm trying to say is he lives his life perfectly. I doubt he knows and understand what I've been going through right now. He lives a life full of happiness with the people around him who love him, doing what he enjoy the most, what more could he ask for? I can tell he's really happy with his life. That's why he said all this encouraging things to his fans but the problem is not everyone is as lucky as him or jack. Most of us are trying to get away from all our problems and shits irl through his music and yes I am so thankful for that.in fact I really want to congratulate and thank him personally. BUT back to the youtubers, they told about all these things that not only people like me but they themselves experience all kinds of shits in life as well. For the first time, I feel like I'm not alone. I like people who do what they love for the purpose of sharing with other people and also reminding other people that they are not alone. Idk this might be creepy and sounds stupid, but I can genuinely say that these youtubers understand me more than those band members left alone my 'friends' if I have any. Dan, Phil, Chris and PJ can easily be my best friends. I'm so grateful that I discovered them and just thank you for your existence. I love you guys. You guys mean a lot to me even though I've only know you guys over the Internet for almost a month. You guys are my heroes and this is coming from a girl that use music and the encouraging words from band members to cover the scars from her life...until she met you guys.just thank you so much.
Ps. I would love to make an entry about each of The Fantastic Foursome members and there's a reason why they are called that ;)
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