Re-emergence for a moment
I've been away for a while. Not particularly at my computer, but in most things dealing with. Lately my time is spent online reading up on news and looking up mindless nothings. Let's sum up, shall we?
I miss talking to everyone. Online, as often as I am, I never IM, nor receive. I'm not mad or anything, I just miss the way things were.
My car is out of commission for the time being. I need to fix the exhaust, but I first need to get a new gas tank so that when I torch the exhaust, I don't blow up.
I've been watching Naruto lately, and it's a really great anime. One of my new favorite songs is the ending to the Japanese first season. As Engrish as it sounds, there's a lot to it, and it makes me think a lot. I feel sad and uplifted the same time hearing it. I hate being a waste.
I've nearly finished up Christmas shopping already. Yeah, it's a first, I usually never finish until hours before Christmas, but I got a nice headstart, and it's great because I have money saved up, too, for college and a car. I might splurge a little on me, so I need some self-restraint.
My grandmother came back to RI. She had been gone for a year (moved to FL), but her family (i.e. me) wasn't there. She said I changed over that year. We had been having lunch for a few weeks, but apparently I've become more sullen, angry, bitter, and depressed. It's true. Since the year that she'd gone, I've gone through a bit in my head. Of course, I have never been one to come out and describe exactly how I feel. But I sent one pretty descriptive email to her about how I feel, and she forwarded it to my uncle, and no one understood it. I've vaguely remember what I wrote, but I see now how things have changed from the time I have written that email (which I believe was less than a few months ago). As things go, I have become angrier at everything, now more than anything my family. After a few incidents, I had never been one to ever feel so much distress towards them. Throughout my life, I have given a lot to everyone. When they had asked, I had helped, given. Now, my helpfulness and selflessness had been overused, and I had gotten angry and selfish. So, I get yelled at for not knowing what I want to do, wasting away my talent, my potential, and then I get yelled at for not doing what I want, even if it is being a lazy fuck. I'm stuck in that hole and I am really conflicted now that I am pretty much fucked up right now. Sometimes I feel solace, but it comes and goes, and from where it comes, I do not know.
I've reacquainted myself with some old friends from high school. Three years since graduated and it feels like everything's and nothing's changed at the same time. They're really good people and I enjoyed spending time with them. It makes me feel good, reminiscing on old times, and yet I feel sad at the lack of happiness that there is when I can't do it.
For a few Fridays past, my brother and I have been hosting a bonfire in my backyard in our firepit. There, word gets out and that's how I reacquainted with the old friends. It's a really good social event. I really look forward to it. I get to talk to a lot of people about a bunch of nothings and everything. Only lately have people been bringing drinks, which kind of disappoints me, because it originally hadn't started out that way. It's still all good, because people haven't been going overboard. I hope I can host it for as long as we can with the wood we got and how the weather is.
I'll be 21 in a few months, and despite all the talk that I don't drink and really don't like it so much, I will take advantage of this on my birthday. I think that I've been completely scared out of drinking because of the whole age thing. When that stigma disappears, I think I'll feel better. I basically associate drinking with the assholes I remember in high school and the shit-fests that I've been to related to such. And I won't go crazy, but I do like flavored drinks. My friends and I have been preparing for it because a lot of our birthdays are within a few weeks of each other. We're thinking of renting a hall out and just having a big ol' bash there. Again with the friends.
My head's a mess, and through it all, my girlfriend is there. Roller coaster rides are fun, and as it turns out, this one is too. I love her and she makes me feel special. Thanks, babe.
I constantly feel like someone is dying. I'm really hurting. I'm worried. Time to grow up, Brandon. Time to grow up.
I miss talking to everyone. Online, as often as I am, I never IM, nor receive. I'm not mad or anything, I just miss the way things were.
My car is out of commission for the time being. I need to fix the exhaust, but I first need to get a new gas tank so that when I torch the exhaust, I don't blow up.
I've been watching Naruto lately, and it's a really great anime. One of my new favorite songs is the ending to the Japanese first season. As Engrish as it sounds, there's a lot to it, and it makes me think a lot. I feel sad and uplifted the same time hearing it. I hate being a waste.
I've nearly finished up Christmas shopping already. Yeah, it's a first, I usually never finish until hours before Christmas, but I got a nice headstart, and it's great because I have money saved up, too, for college and a car. I might splurge a little on me, so I need some self-restraint.
My grandmother came back to RI. She had been gone for a year (moved to FL), but her family (i.e. me) wasn't there. She said I changed over that year. We had been having lunch for a few weeks, but apparently I've become more sullen, angry, bitter, and depressed. It's true. Since the year that she'd gone, I've gone through a bit in my head. Of course, I have never been one to come out and describe exactly how I feel. But I sent one pretty descriptive email to her about how I feel, and she forwarded it to my uncle, and no one understood it. I've vaguely remember what I wrote, but I see now how things have changed from the time I have written that email (which I believe was less than a few months ago). As things go, I have become angrier at everything, now more than anything my family. After a few incidents, I had never been one to ever feel so much distress towards them. Throughout my life, I have given a lot to everyone. When they had asked, I had helped, given. Now, my helpfulness and selflessness had been overused, and I had gotten angry and selfish. So, I get yelled at for not knowing what I want to do, wasting away my talent, my potential, and then I get yelled at for not doing what I want, even if it is being a lazy fuck. I'm stuck in that hole and I am really conflicted now that I am pretty much fucked up right now. Sometimes I feel solace, but it comes and goes, and from where it comes, I do not know.
I've reacquainted myself with some old friends from high school. Three years since graduated and it feels like everything's and nothing's changed at the same time. They're really good people and I enjoyed spending time with them. It makes me feel good, reminiscing on old times, and yet I feel sad at the lack of happiness that there is when I can't do it.
For a few Fridays past, my brother and I have been hosting a bonfire in my backyard in our firepit. There, word gets out and that's how I reacquainted with the old friends. It's a really good social event. I really look forward to it. I get to talk to a lot of people about a bunch of nothings and everything. Only lately have people been bringing drinks, which kind of disappoints me, because it originally hadn't started out that way. It's still all good, because people haven't been going overboard. I hope I can host it for as long as we can with the wood we got and how the weather is.
I'll be 21 in a few months, and despite all the talk that I don't drink and really don't like it so much, I will take advantage of this on my birthday. I think that I've been completely scared out of drinking because of the whole age thing. When that stigma disappears, I think I'll feel better. I basically associate drinking with the assholes I remember in high school and the shit-fests that I've been to related to such. And I won't go crazy, but I do like flavored drinks. My friends and I have been preparing for it because a lot of our birthdays are within a few weeks of each other. We're thinking of renting a hall out and just having a big ol' bash there. Again with the friends.
My head's a mess, and through it all, my girlfriend is there. Roller coaster rides are fun, and as it turns out, this one is too. I love her and she makes me feel special. Thanks, babe.
I constantly feel like someone is dying. I'm really hurting. I'm worried. Time to grow up, Brandon. Time to grow up.