(no subject)
So, I know I'm pathetic for still caring that the man I loved, however horrible he was, never loved me the way that I loved him, and I know I'm a beautiful, good person, but why the fuck does this still hurt so much?
I just wanted to be appreciated and treated like I was special and beautiful and everything that he wanted in a woman. I took care of him and loved him deeply. I don't know what I saw in him, but for the longest time, I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was my idea of what a man should be. I know, I know, my standards are way low right now, and believe me, they will rise again, but regardless of that fact, I really did love him. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.
I can't honestly say that I knew he loved me back. He could never tell me why he loved me, just that he did. And I accepted that, half-heartedly. I wanted to believe that maybe he just couldn't put in to words how unbelievably beautiful he thought I was, how wonderful I made him feel. How I made him feel safe and loved and beautiful himself, like he was special and wonderful in my eyes, and that I had never looked at another human being before in my entire life the way that I looked at him. Maybe I did see him through rose tinted glasses, but at least I loved him with my entire heart.
I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I loved him, I just knew that I did. And I was so afraid that someone would take that away from me. Not that, but him. I spent such a huge part of our relationship together fearing that he still loved Deanna, that he might love Emily, and that he does love Kaitlin; and I acknowledge that that was my fault for bringing them into our relationship when they had no place there in the first place. But instead of comforting me and telling me "how could you even think that they could win over my affection when I have the most magnificent woman I have ever seen willing to give me the entire fucking world and ready to make any sacrifice for me?" he got angry with me for being insecure. He called me a bitch when I was too weak to hold back the tears any longer while he criticized me for not keeping our apartment spotless and a spoiled brat when I was upset that he never bought me neither a birthday nor a christmas present last year. And he still doesn't defend me when his friends say horrible things about me behind my back. He never did and he never will, because I was never that special to him. I was never his magificent woman, I was never his goddess. And I never will be.
Knowing this, I can finally move on.
I just wanted to be appreciated and treated like I was special and beautiful and everything that he wanted in a woman. I took care of him and loved him deeply. I don't know what I saw in him, but for the longest time, I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. He was my idea of what a man should be. I know, I know, my standards are way low right now, and believe me, they will rise again, but regardless of that fact, I really did love him. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.
I can't honestly say that I knew he loved me back. He could never tell me why he loved me, just that he did. And I accepted that, half-heartedly. I wanted to believe that maybe he just couldn't put in to words how unbelievably beautiful he thought I was, how wonderful I made him feel. How I made him feel safe and loved and beautiful himself, like he was special and wonderful in my eyes, and that I had never looked at another human being before in my entire life the way that I looked at him. Maybe I did see him through rose tinted glasses, but at least I loved him with my entire heart.
I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I loved him, I just knew that I did. And I was so afraid that someone would take that away from me. Not that, but him. I spent such a huge part of our relationship together fearing that he still loved Deanna, that he might love Emily, and that he does love Kaitlin; and I acknowledge that that was my fault for bringing them into our relationship when they had no place there in the first place. But instead of comforting me and telling me "how could you even think that they could win over my affection when I have the most magnificent woman I have ever seen willing to give me the entire fucking world and ready to make any sacrifice for me?" he got angry with me for being insecure. He called me a bitch when I was too weak to hold back the tears any longer while he criticized me for not keeping our apartment spotless and a spoiled brat when I was upset that he never bought me neither a birthday nor a christmas present last year. And he still doesn't defend me when his friends say horrible things about me behind my back. He never did and he never will, because I was never that special to him. I was never his magificent woman, I was never his goddess. And I never will be.
Knowing this, I can finally move on.