(no subject)
Sometimes I just feel like, quittin' I still might
Why do I put up this fight, why do I still write?
Sometimes it's hard enough just dealin' with real life..
No clue why I waste my time writing in this silly online journal at age 19. More for myself now than anything, because I need to clear my head from time to time and I get wayyyy too personal when I write in a written journal. Plus, I'm always paranoid that someone will find it and display my secrets all over the internet... oh wait... well anyway..
I'm just browsing through all the old crap that is all over these journals and thinking about all the things I used to write about and all the friends whose conflicts and issues used to make regular appearances on these. Oh, I admit I'd peruse friends' entries looking for my name as some sort of validation that I was relevant in their life or something along those lines, and I'm sure many did that throughout mine too. But most of those people don't even matter anymore. We've changed, we've grown, and frankly I don't even have a desire to regain touch with some of those people. We may have a laugh or two about silly things we did or said or wrote but in all honesty, I'd probably just become annoyed, end the conversation saying I have to go but we'll "definitely talk soon". That is really selfish; but I wonder if past friends have the same thoughts towards me. Egocentrically I would like to think otherwise, but perhaps I'm just a fleeting moment in their past.
Past and future, I always feel like I put more effort into friendships than others. Is it normal to have the amount of failed friendships that I do? Okay, perhaps failed is a little too negative.. I guess a better word is "discontinued." I feel like every "best friend" I've had has come and gone; which worries me. Catherine Cruess and I have been through way more than I've been through with any other friend, and I truly do consider her my best friend- but does that even mean anything? I feel like I meet so many people who befriended someone in kindergarten and have done everything together since then; is that what a best friend is? Does longevity trump all when it comes to the hierarchy of friends? I don't know why this is such a major concern for me, after all I've always prided myself on having a large variety of friends. I guess I've just felt betrayed and abandoned so many times by people I never thought would do that. People who've moved onto boyfriends, drugs, other friends, moved out of town, or just have become unlikeable. I feel confident placing all the blame on these people, because out of the three major people of my past I can think of, I put a concerted effort into saving and/or restoring all of those friendships, and either got walked all over or totally neglected.. and I'm not sure which is worse.
I love to cook, and I want to get really good. I want to be able to invite a boy over and completely seduce him with food. No really though, I love to cook for others. Cooking for myself seems so selfish. I am going to be a superb cook and a wine connoisseur.
Strep throat is a bummer. So is the untimely death of my bowl, Ziggy Jr. And so is getting up at 7am everyday during the summer for summer classes. Time for early bed time.
Why do I put up this fight, why do I still write?
Sometimes it's hard enough just dealin' with real life..
No clue why I waste my time writing in this silly online journal at age 19. More for myself now than anything, because I need to clear my head from time to time and I get wayyyy too personal when I write in a written journal. Plus, I'm always paranoid that someone will find it and display my secrets all over the internet... oh wait... well anyway..
I'm just browsing through all the old crap that is all over these journals and thinking about all the things I used to write about and all the friends whose conflicts and issues used to make regular appearances on these. Oh, I admit I'd peruse friends' entries looking for my name as some sort of validation that I was relevant in their life or something along those lines, and I'm sure many did that throughout mine too. But most of those people don't even matter anymore. We've changed, we've grown, and frankly I don't even have a desire to regain touch with some of those people. We may have a laugh or two about silly things we did or said or wrote but in all honesty, I'd probably just become annoyed, end the conversation saying I have to go but we'll "definitely talk soon". That is really selfish; but I wonder if past friends have the same thoughts towards me. Egocentrically I would like to think otherwise, but perhaps I'm just a fleeting moment in their past.
Past and future, I always feel like I put more effort into friendships than others. Is it normal to have the amount of failed friendships that I do? Okay, perhaps failed is a little too negative.. I guess a better word is "discontinued." I feel like every "best friend" I've had has come and gone; which worries me. Catherine Cruess and I have been through way more than I've been through with any other friend, and I truly do consider her my best friend- but does that even mean anything? I feel like I meet so many people who befriended someone in kindergarten and have done everything together since then; is that what a best friend is? Does longevity trump all when it comes to the hierarchy of friends? I don't know why this is such a major concern for me, after all I've always prided myself on having a large variety of friends. I guess I've just felt betrayed and abandoned so many times by people I never thought would do that. People who've moved onto boyfriends, drugs, other friends, moved out of town, or just have become unlikeable. I feel confident placing all the blame on these people, because out of the three major people of my past I can think of, I put a concerted effort into saving and/or restoring all of those friendships, and either got walked all over or totally neglected.. and I'm not sure which is worse.
I love to cook, and I want to get really good. I want to be able to invite a boy over and completely seduce him with food. No really though, I love to cook for others. Cooking for myself seems so selfish. I am going to be a superb cook and a wine connoisseur.
Strep throat is a bummer. So is the untimely death of my bowl, Ziggy Jr. And so is getting up at 7am everyday during the summer for summer classes. Time for early bed time.