mead composition notebook.
i only slept for a couple hours, and then got the urge to write. i've been reading parts of my life i've written over the past year and i break my heart with how i used to feel about myself:
"i feel like i'm some sort of disease. i don't want to be feared, i want to be held and lied to ... i want to live blindly."
"lonely is coming home and not feeling a thing."
"i don't know why they come out. all i know is that when i'm like this i wish things didn't feel so fucked up all the time. that i could pick up the phone right now and know that atleast a little part of me is going to be alright."
"i hope life isn't just a bunch of cold offices decorated with boxes of kleenexes and women baring degrees and empty eyes. there has to be more to it than that when things go bad."
"i'm a replacable."
"i ran to the bathroom in target today, pushing past people to get there before i exploded. i sat down in the first stall open and the hysterics came out of my throat and eyes in a gasping frenzy. sometimes i forget there are little monsters within me scratching to get out - and they escaped into a dirty bathroom stall."
"my bestfriend is passed out on my bedroom floor and i feel like she's not even there. this isn't fair to anyone. two nights ago i asked david just to hold me, with a please. he did, for an hour. nothing can stop this, no one or anything. i'm spending my 3am silently crying not to wake her up."
"i couldn't get drunk no matter how much i drank last night. it's funny how fast life will sober you up once it slaps you across the face."
"i'm hungry. for words or smiles, anything but the way i let myself feel sometimes. i feed myself misery."
yeah .. there's a lot more where that came from. i might delete this post later, it's really personal. i haven't written any entries containing anything like that in months though. i've grown as a person extensively, i'm so much more happier with myself. i tihnk i've finally started treating myself right, and that in its self has finally let me acheive a happiness that won't fade whenever my insecurities peak.
"i feel like i'm some sort of disease. i don't want to be feared, i want to be held and lied to ... i want to live blindly."
"lonely is coming home and not feeling a thing."
"i don't know why they come out. all i know is that when i'm like this i wish things didn't feel so fucked up all the time. that i could pick up the phone right now and know that atleast a little part of me is going to be alright."
"i hope life isn't just a bunch of cold offices decorated with boxes of kleenexes and women baring degrees and empty eyes. there has to be more to it than that when things go bad."
"i'm a replacable."
"i ran to the bathroom in target today, pushing past people to get there before i exploded. i sat down in the first stall open and the hysterics came out of my throat and eyes in a gasping frenzy. sometimes i forget there are little monsters within me scratching to get out - and they escaped into a dirty bathroom stall."
"my bestfriend is passed out on my bedroom floor and i feel like she's not even there. this isn't fair to anyone. two nights ago i asked david just to hold me, with a please. he did, for an hour. nothing can stop this, no one or anything. i'm spending my 3am silently crying not to wake her up."
"i couldn't get drunk no matter how much i drank last night. it's funny how fast life will sober you up once it slaps you across the face."
"i'm hungry. for words or smiles, anything but the way i let myself feel sometimes. i feed myself misery."
yeah .. there's a lot more where that came from. i might delete this post later, it's really personal. i haven't written any entries containing anything like that in months though. i've grown as a person extensively, i'm so much more happier with myself. i tihnk i've finally started treating myself right, and that in its self has finally let me acheive a happiness that won't fade whenever my insecurities peak.