Fuck me
I'm trying to think of what I could possibly write to get things off my chest but there is nothing.
I just feel like SHIT today. I have not felt this down in a long time and I really have no reason. There's nothing fantastic happening right now but nothing bad either. Just same ol', same ol'. This morning I was terrified because I was hungry yet the last thing in the world I wanted to do was eat and I was afraid that if I did that it would set off a binge.
I did eventually eat with my boyfriend and it was sort of a mini binge. Haven't eaten since even though I had been planning to eat some left over Thai stir fried veggies with calamari. Healthy, but after what I ate earlier I feel like I don't deserve to eat for, oh I don't know, a week. Which is how I feel no matter how much or how little I eat. If I ingest nothing but a diet soda, I feel guilty about the diet soda and think I should have just had water. Fuck me.
Probably doesn't help that I haven't taken any of my meds other than birth control for a couple days but I just don't want to.
I'm on the edge. I'm so scared that one last bad thing will happen and it will push me completely over the edge of the cliff. What if Calvin breaks up with me, or I get pregnant, or I get into a car accident, or...? Fuck, I think if my mom were to call right now and say that my old dog Friska died I'd probably go searching for every pill in the house and it would take every ounce of self control to not take them all.
I've got a biology midterm tomorrow and am in no state to take it even though I know the material pretty well since I'm taking animal genetics at the same time.
I think something is really bothering Calvin about our relationship. We will have a talk. I'm leaving to go hang out with him and we will have a talk. Already had one a few nights ago because he apparently still has a thing for my friend Tiffany (which of course makes me want to starve until I'm half her weight) but I'll let you all know about that story later.
Something is wrong. Very wrong, in soo many ways.
I just feel like SHIT today. I have not felt this down in a long time and I really have no reason. There's nothing fantastic happening right now but nothing bad either. Just same ol', same ol'. This morning I was terrified because I was hungry yet the last thing in the world I wanted to do was eat and I was afraid that if I did that it would set off a binge.
I did eventually eat with my boyfriend and it was sort of a mini binge. Haven't eaten since even though I had been planning to eat some left over Thai stir fried veggies with calamari. Healthy, but after what I ate earlier I feel like I don't deserve to eat for, oh I don't know, a week. Which is how I feel no matter how much or how little I eat. If I ingest nothing but a diet soda, I feel guilty about the diet soda and think I should have just had water. Fuck me.
Probably doesn't help that I haven't taken any of my meds other than birth control for a couple days but I just don't want to.
I'm on the edge. I'm so scared that one last bad thing will happen and it will push me completely over the edge of the cliff. What if Calvin breaks up with me, or I get pregnant, or I get into a car accident, or...? Fuck, I think if my mom were to call right now and say that my old dog Friska died I'd probably go searching for every pill in the house and it would take every ounce of self control to not take them all.
I've got a biology midterm tomorrow and am in no state to take it even though I know the material pretty well since I'm taking animal genetics at the same time.
I think something is really bothering Calvin about our relationship. We will have a talk. I'm leaving to go hang out with him and we will have a talk. Already had one a few nights ago because he apparently still has a thing for my friend Tiffany (which of course makes me want to starve until I'm half her weight) but I'll let you all know about that story later.
Something is wrong. Very wrong, in soo many ways.