Well I’ll be Damned if I didn’t update......

[eigen_vector]

Oh live journal, how I have neglected thee…….Well It’s about that time again. Yes it’s time for another block of self-serving, all too frequent, obsessive Journal postings……….until I burn out and become bored and move on to other preoccupations and negelect things again for another several months

Comments

my muses have nightshade hair and razor wings

[exina]

I've been toying with an idea for a self-portrait, and a couple of things I wanted for sure were a pic of samurai sword fighters over my mouth, and a starving child over my heart. That along with an x-ray of my chest being exposed by two fairies with nightshade hair and wings of layered exacto blades slicing my body open down the middle. My eyes would be bloody holes in a screaming atrophied shrunken head, and my feet would be unglazed clay, chained in barbed wire to a cracked and abused world globe.
Thank you for showing me my heart.
*hug*

Re: my muses have nightshade hair and razor wings

[eigen_vector]

I'm glad I've contributed in some manner to something that matters to YOU.

Re: my muses have nightshade hair and razor wings

[exina]

Yeah, go ahead and get snotty about my reaction to the pic. Of course I was sad. So sorry not to get all shocked, weepy, or offended for your gratification.
I focus on the aspects that I can control, and my reaction to it because I realize I cannot change any suffering in the world. I can only express it, or expose it. Nothing will ever get better. I think it will only get worse and worse and worse.
But thanks for the image. It does mean a lot to ME. It must've meant something to YOU or you wouldn't have posted it. Thank you for sharing, no matter what your reaction to my reaction may be.

Well I was being sincere.

[eigen_vector]

You would be incorrect in guessing my motives and intentions behind my postings. I guess I would only affix that to the notion that you don’t know me very well at all.
Well to me its nothing more than a few words and a picture. They only have what meaning and power you give them. I’d feel surprisingly and overwhelmingly stoic as to the nature of anyone’s reactions to it. I’m not even sure the picture warrants shock. It’s something we all know for a fact to exist. Nothing new…nothing original.
To me it is only a representation of a small piece of reality…………a significant representation because it’s one that macroscopic culture avoids. It’s a sense of knowledge that we are denied in many ways. I like to contemplate such matters. I do it all the time. The ideals behind suffering are a philosophy all their own. For me the picture is not at all a manner of any extreme (felt) emotion. It’s an issue of knowledge and perspective.

Re: Well I was being sincere.

[exina]

It seems to me, that you like to shock folks sometimes as you are going along on your path of self/existential discovery. I don't presume to understand. But...I don't like feeling like a lab rat, or like I'm at a sideshow and expected to react a certain way. I think I've become too cynical. I actually searched that story on the web to see if it wasn't a made up urban legend.
I am fascinated by things that resonate deep within my being. Sometimes it's not pleasant things that I emote with. But it's good to witness it just to know oneself.

Re: Well I was being sincere.

[eigen_vector]

Well it almost seems as though you do presume to understand. It might surprise you to know that this personal journal’s purpose is to express and explore ME and MY personal feelings and thoughts. It’s not meant to shock or do anything for that matter to you or anyone else. Its all about me……….If, however, my personal feelings and thoughts do shock or surprise someone that would be their affair and problem………not so much as a slight concern to me. I too am cynical, which leads me to wonder why it would be of such great concern to you as to why my supposed reaction to your reaction is such a big deal. Why would you fabricate my intention based on nothing but conjecture, and become so upset over it?…………but we digress.

Re: Well I was being sincere.

[exina]

I think it was the all caps that threw me. In net-speak that's yelling, but I think you know that already. The emphasis seemed intentional. I accept that you took my comment at face value, and didn't mean anything by the emphasis. You've said that already. I accept that

Re: Well I was being sincere.

[eigen_vector]

Like I mentioned……I won’t feel responsible if someone perceives anything about my musing as shocking. It is of my strong opinion that nothing I’ve conveyed should even be REMOTLY shocking, surprising or whatever. Simply just my thoughts. As far as the issue of sending link to someone: You obviously have no clue as to the nature of that situation. You are taking it out of context. We were in fact sitting on the phone discussing and going through them together…..we do this a lot. You might want to ask her to clarify. You also fail to realize the different dynamic between my personal interactions (as that was) AND my public online journal. Two totally different mediums with different goals and intentions.

1- Motive of Journal SIMPLE: express MY ideas and Feelings
2- Motive behind my personal interactions….can be any multitude of things.

Re: Well I was being sincere.

[exina]

I am not judging, just asking out of curiosity. I've actually always wanted to ask you. This was the first time I've had the opportunity to do so, and I see first hand why the other folks didn't even try to ask you themselves. They (and I mean plural here- it wasn't just one, or one group, I got the same message from at least 4 people from one evening's entertainments) left your house and were unhappy with your behavior. I wasn't upset or shocked- I know it's just you being you, but am wondering if you realize the effect some of your "conscience raising" actions and words have on some people? They kinda described you later as a bitchy, scary, Jiminy Cricket, lol. It's ok if it's too personal to talk about too, or if you just don't have an answer to my questions. Sometimes we just do stuff because that's the way we are, and we don't know why. :) Hug. Don't be mad. I'm not.

Re: Well I was being sincere.

[eigen_vector]

Well I see we are not talking about live journal anymore….which I assumed was the focus of this entire setup (coversation). Like I said outside behavior can be motivated by any of a multitude of things……….every specific act could have a reason all its own. I’d have to hear a specific question to give a specific answer…I’d be happy to…..just E-MAIL it to me….this sort of thing does not go on LJ. As far as a few being upset with behavior I’d just assume they were people that just didn’t know me very well………after all I’ve had many of the same people eager to hang out after the clubs time after time.

Re: Well I was being sincere.

[exina]

I didn't see this thread as compartmentalized as you do. I was looking at the gestalt of behaviors, and noting reactions and trying to find a trend and motive.
I cannot divulge my sources, so continuing a conversation in private would be pointless, because I've been burned before when I did that. Made the person really mad that I passed on something that they didn't want passed on and traced back to them. So I'm not going to go into detail about "he-said-she-said" in email.
I am sorry if I may have upset you by asking you to discuss your feelings and motivations on your LJ. I will not ask you about that anymore. Have a nice 3 day weekend.

Re: Well I was being sincere.

[eigen_vector]

It may surprise you to know that I NEVER would have even asked you who your sources were………believe it or not I’d simply not be so concerned. However, I’m always game to any specific questions you have as a result of your dealings. If people don’t like me or something I do….I’d normally chalk it up to jealously, intimidation, or misunderstanding. But I digress.
I would NEVER get upset with someone asking my feelings and motivations on LJ or anything for that matter……….NEVER. I am as open as they come I assure you.

I will, however, get upset when someone ASSUMES my motivations and feelings…..and takes negative action as a result (that is the only problem I have here). Especially when a simple request for verification could have predated a negative response. In the future just ask instead of taking it upon yourself to dictate what I think or feel…….I’m happy to tell. Me is my favorite subject.