A sleeping cat and a wide awake mind
I'm feeling very introspective tonight. I'm not really sure why, but it's nice for a change of pace. Lately I've been finding myself being more observant than usual. Well, not of other people so much (though I do tend to watch people to try and understand them), but more of myself. I've been catching myself starting to say something, but holding back because I'm considering how the statement will affect the other person/people. Work goes along as it does, brainlessly and typically painlessly.
I'll admit, I truly like working retail. I'm not sure why, I think it's the inner attention whore saying: "Hey, I just helped you, thank me, thank me, thank me!!", but hey, who doesn't work their asses of for someone to be unnoticed? I've also been thinking about college. I have three places I want to go: Ball State (first choice), Purdue (second), or IUPUI/IU (third). I'm still very much considering teaching English, but sometimes I wonder. I want a classroom that is more talk and discussion than lecture, so I think majoring in English will help that a lot.
I think that once again, I'm at a point where I'm fine for the moment. I'm not sure how long it will last, but lately my swinging from highs to lows seems to be slowing and stabilizing. I think I like life again... I'm sort of scared by that, to think that I'm so comfortable as to say I'm happy? I always hate to admit I'm happy, because happy and sad, terror and thrill, excited and complacent, it's all so fleeting sometimes. My moods shift from hour to hour, yet it seems like nothing can go right in a day, yet I'll still be happy; or a day will go perfect, yet I'll go home and feel miserable.
Ultimately and finally, my goal is always love, whether I like it or not. I always want it, I want to feel it, and when I try for it, I want something/one different.
To quote Larry Kramer:
"Yes, all my friends are here. It's hard to leave you. All this beauty. Such narcotic beauty. Yes, it's hard to leave.
What I want is better though!
No. Just different. I'm going to have enough trouble changing myself. Can't change those who don't want to change. I want to change. I must change myself. Be my own Mom and Pop. Allow myself the something better Lester never did. Be strong enough for Me. I feel better...
They all sit around in circles, on the white sand, the ocean at low tide, the laps thus gentle and far away.
'I love you.'
'I love you.'
'I love you.'
'I love you.'
'I love you.'"
I think I'll be fine one day, some day. Maybe today.
I'll admit, I truly like working retail. I'm not sure why, I think it's the inner attention whore saying: "Hey, I just helped you, thank me, thank me, thank me!!", but hey, who doesn't work their asses of for someone to be unnoticed? I've also been thinking about college. I have three places I want to go: Ball State (first choice), Purdue (second), or IUPUI/IU (third). I'm still very much considering teaching English, but sometimes I wonder. I want a classroom that is more talk and discussion than lecture, so I think majoring in English will help that a lot.
I think that once again, I'm at a point where I'm fine for the moment. I'm not sure how long it will last, but lately my swinging from highs to lows seems to be slowing and stabilizing. I think I like life again... I'm sort of scared by that, to think that I'm so comfortable as to say I'm happy? I always hate to admit I'm happy, because happy and sad, terror and thrill, excited and complacent, it's all so fleeting sometimes. My moods shift from hour to hour, yet it seems like nothing can go right in a day, yet I'll still be happy; or a day will go perfect, yet I'll go home and feel miserable.
Ultimately and finally, my goal is always love, whether I like it or not. I always want it, I want to feel it, and when I try for it, I want something/one different.
To quote Larry Kramer:
"Yes, all my friends are here. It's hard to leave you. All this beauty. Such narcotic beauty. Yes, it's hard to leave.
What I want is better though!
No. Just different. I'm going to have enough trouble changing myself. Can't change those who don't want to change. I want to change. I must change myself. Be my own Mom and Pop. Allow myself the something better Lester never did. Be strong enough for Me. I feel better...
They all sit around in circles, on the white sand, the ocean at low tide, the laps thus gentle and far away.
'I love you.'
'I love you.'
'I love you.'
'I love you.'
'I love you.'"
I think I'll be fine one day, some day. Maybe today.