Interesting
Something is not right. I don't know what it is, but something is very wrong and my gut is screaming at me and I don't know what it is.
Interesting how you could not be up... but the entry is so early.
Interesting.
Interesting.
I'm walling up, I can feel myself closing. Last night out by myself, out in the dark, under the moon with my walkman I felt right (except for my cold, of course). But with every inch that brought me closer to home I got panicky again, tired again. I feel so artificial. So full of a still wave of resentment that leads me to want to ignore what my gut is trying to tell me. I did that before and we see where it got me.
I don't understand because he's like "You don't trust me!" saying sweet things, telling me things that confuse me. I love him, but last time I had this feeling I discovered Sarah and Stefanie and whoever the hell else it was. How can I not be confused? Maybe it's even understandable. Maybe it's because I feel myself beginning to trust him again and so I've flipped out because things are starting to stabilize and it feels like before and before was all lies so I'm panicking because I don't want this to be lies. I don't want to be taken advantage of again. But if it is true, if he's not lying, I know that I'm going to destroy everything with this attitude. It's like I can't accept anything he says to me- the sweet things he says almost make me more edgy.
Lying by omission is still lies.
I wonder how long he was up this morning...
Last night was interesting as well. Much Hard Mike's, Stephen Lynch songs, and Death to Smoochy. What a perfectly wonderful combination. Especially when you throw an Alan, a Jason and a Patrick into the mix. Then things just get to be all sorts of fun. Especially when the Alan is so not sober he has to walk hunched over or he'll fall.
I want to drop out of school and disappear. That's what I really want to do. I want to leave all this, leave everyone, behind me.
Same dilemma.
I'm going to stop now. I say these things, and I really do mean them when I say them, but they're not totally true. I know that I don't truly want to leave everyone... but right now I do.
Interesting how you could not be up... but the entry is so early.
Interesting.
Interesting.
I'm walling up, I can feel myself closing. Last night out by myself, out in the dark, under the moon with my walkman I felt right (except for my cold, of course). But with every inch that brought me closer to home I got panicky again, tired again. I feel so artificial. So full of a still wave of resentment that leads me to want to ignore what my gut is trying to tell me. I did that before and we see where it got me.
I don't understand because he's like "You don't trust me!" saying sweet things, telling me things that confuse me. I love him, but last time I had this feeling I discovered Sarah and Stefanie and whoever the hell else it was. How can I not be confused? Maybe it's even understandable. Maybe it's because I feel myself beginning to trust him again and so I've flipped out because things are starting to stabilize and it feels like before and before was all lies so I'm panicking because I don't want this to be lies. I don't want to be taken advantage of again. But if it is true, if he's not lying, I know that I'm going to destroy everything with this attitude. It's like I can't accept anything he says to me- the sweet things he says almost make me more edgy.
Lying by omission is still lies.
I wonder how long he was up this morning...
Last night was interesting as well. Much Hard Mike's, Stephen Lynch songs, and Death to Smoochy. What a perfectly wonderful combination. Especially when you throw an Alan, a Jason and a Patrick into the mix. Then things just get to be all sorts of fun. Especially when the Alan is so not sober he has to walk hunched over or he'll fall.
I want to drop out of school and disappear. That's what I really want to do. I want to leave all this, leave everyone, behind me.
Same dilemma.
I'm going to stop now. I say these things, and I really do mean them when I say them, but they're not totally true. I know that I don't truly want to leave everyone... but right now I do.