make it stop
Headache. Fucking headache. I want to chop my head off just to make it stop.
It probably doesn't help anything that I was woken up by a bad dream at 7:30 this morning only to discover that Josh was not in bed, he was out on the computer. He wouldn't come back to bed, and since I can't fall back asleep without him I just got up.
Fucking headache.
At least he's made me a promise...
"a pocket full of mumbles, such are promises. All I suggest is that a man hears what he wants to hear and then he disregards the rest..."
Alan said that I have more love than I know. I'm trying to decide how I feel about that. Maybe reading something that I wrote the other night would help you to understand what I mean:
If there's one thing I'd like to know right now, it would be why I am pissed off. The more and more that I think about it, the more and more I think that it's because I hate living with other people. I just really need my own place where I can do things totally at my own pace and when I want to and keep things how I want them. Of course, I can't afford such a thing… it's not so much that I want to move out of *here* specifically, that wouldn't really solve anything, I'd just get pissed at other roommates. I just want to be by myself. Period. Alone.
But then I get confused because when I say I want to be alone I mean that I want to be ALONE. No friends, no boyfriend, no nobody. I just want it to be ME, by myself. But at the same time I love Josh, and I love my friends and I don't want them to go anywhere. So I'm stuck in this place that I don't know how to get out of. I want to be solitary, but I already have connections, connections which I enjoy. Had I known at this time last year what things would be like right now, or what things would have happened between now and then, I think that I would have taken the straight solitary path, thank you very much. Or at least done it as well as I could have. But I'm hooked up, reeled in. No getting out. Well, that's not true, there's always getting out. But no getting out without selfishly hurting a lot of people on the whim that I might possibly be happy if I just dump everyone. Right now I pretty much feel like I don't want anything but my music. I just want my own apartment, my own car, my music and me. I don't want to have to live up to anyone's ideals, expectations. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough or pretty enough or sexy enough based on other people's reactions to me. I guess some people would say that that's just a conscious choice you have to make. I guess that it's the cowardly thing to do to just break off all contact so you don't have to worry about coming into conflict with anyone. I really guess that's what I want to do. I want to preclude all conflict by breaking all contact. It seems easier that way. Would I really be happier that way? I don't know.
I have a bad tendency to not be happy in the position I'm in, but not DO anything to change it. I simply alleviate my feelings by imagining how happy I would be if I were doing something else, if I were in a different situation. I need to stop doing that. I need to either get myself into the situation that I imagine I'd be happier in or else I need to stop dreaming and work on the place that I am right now until that becomes something that I don't have to construct fictional escape routes from.
When I get into these moods I seem to think that everyone has it easier than me, and that only my life is complicated. These are the times I have to hit myself a little bit, hard, and really think about the people I know and think about all the stuff that they go through. I'm certainly not the only one who has troubles in their life. I wonder if maybe that's why I make my life so small. Back to the 'no contact equals no conflict'. I hate myself for making it so small, but at the same time I like it better that way cause then I don't have to worry about new problems, new stresses and new details. This world may be small, yes, and it may not be what makes me happiest, yes, but at least I can handle it and I know what to do with it. I work hard, it would seem, to make my life as mindless as possible so that I don't have to worry about getting hurt, don't have to worry about what other people think, don't have to worry about any of it. I just go to school, go to work, do my homework, and go to sleep. Really. A big part of it is not having a car. I think if I had a car I'd be more willing to break a little out of my cyndrical life style, I mean, who wants to go out when you know that you're totally at the whim of the person driving? Plus I'd be able to have alone time whenever I wanted it instead of having to go in my room if I want it, which then pisses me off. I think that that's probably one thing I really hate about Josh. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need anyone. He just does what he wants, when he wants and he doesn't let other people's choices affect him. If he wants to go lay down, he does it. If he wants to go outside, he does. He doesn't bother with other people. I can't decide if I'm jealous because I wish that I could be like that and I hate myself because I'm so paranoid that I don't even want to be in a different room as him. It's so pathetic. When I'm not in the living room with him I get freaked out that he's out there doing something horrible and it's getting so bad that I can't fall asleep or calm down. Lately I get paranoid too because I'm pretty sure he's been going onto singles chat rooms… god I hate myself. I am really a pathetic person. I am. I am the epitome of pathetic.
That's kind of 'what's up with me'. Whining.
Dear Christ, now the fucking website is even being messed up.
I feel like shit. Physically and everything else. I feel like shit, but I feel like I'm starting to not care. I'm turning off and scares me because I don't want to be how I used to be. I don't want to hate people and cut myself off from feelings. Sure, I haven't been having great luck with feelings, but I like it better when they're there.
It probably doesn't help anything that I was woken up by a bad dream at 7:30 this morning only to discover that Josh was not in bed, he was out on the computer. He wouldn't come back to bed, and since I can't fall back asleep without him I just got up.
Fucking headache.
At least he's made me a promise...
"a pocket full of mumbles, such are promises. All I suggest is that a man hears what he wants to hear and then he disregards the rest..."
Alan said that I have more love than I know. I'm trying to decide how I feel about that. Maybe reading something that I wrote the other night would help you to understand what I mean:
If there's one thing I'd like to know right now, it would be why I am pissed off. The more and more that I think about it, the more and more I think that it's because I hate living with other people. I just really need my own place where I can do things totally at my own pace and when I want to and keep things how I want them. Of course, I can't afford such a thing… it's not so much that I want to move out of *here* specifically, that wouldn't really solve anything, I'd just get pissed at other roommates. I just want to be by myself. Period. Alone.
But then I get confused because when I say I want to be alone I mean that I want to be ALONE. No friends, no boyfriend, no nobody. I just want it to be ME, by myself. But at the same time I love Josh, and I love my friends and I don't want them to go anywhere. So I'm stuck in this place that I don't know how to get out of. I want to be solitary, but I already have connections, connections which I enjoy. Had I known at this time last year what things would be like right now, or what things would have happened between now and then, I think that I would have taken the straight solitary path, thank you very much. Or at least done it as well as I could have. But I'm hooked up, reeled in. No getting out. Well, that's not true, there's always getting out. But no getting out without selfishly hurting a lot of people on the whim that I might possibly be happy if I just dump everyone. Right now I pretty much feel like I don't want anything but my music. I just want my own apartment, my own car, my music and me. I don't want to have to live up to anyone's ideals, expectations. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough or pretty enough or sexy enough based on other people's reactions to me. I guess some people would say that that's just a conscious choice you have to make. I guess that it's the cowardly thing to do to just break off all contact so you don't have to worry about coming into conflict with anyone. I really guess that's what I want to do. I want to preclude all conflict by breaking all contact. It seems easier that way. Would I really be happier that way? I don't know.
I have a bad tendency to not be happy in the position I'm in, but not DO anything to change it. I simply alleviate my feelings by imagining how happy I would be if I were doing something else, if I were in a different situation. I need to stop doing that. I need to either get myself into the situation that I imagine I'd be happier in or else I need to stop dreaming and work on the place that I am right now until that becomes something that I don't have to construct fictional escape routes from.
When I get into these moods I seem to think that everyone has it easier than me, and that only my life is complicated. These are the times I have to hit myself a little bit, hard, and really think about the people I know and think about all the stuff that they go through. I'm certainly not the only one who has troubles in their life. I wonder if maybe that's why I make my life so small. Back to the 'no contact equals no conflict'. I hate myself for making it so small, but at the same time I like it better that way cause then I don't have to worry about new problems, new stresses and new details. This world may be small, yes, and it may not be what makes me happiest, yes, but at least I can handle it and I know what to do with it. I work hard, it would seem, to make my life as mindless as possible so that I don't have to worry about getting hurt, don't have to worry about what other people think, don't have to worry about any of it. I just go to school, go to work, do my homework, and go to sleep. Really. A big part of it is not having a car. I think if I had a car I'd be more willing to break a little out of my cyndrical life style, I mean, who wants to go out when you know that you're totally at the whim of the person driving? Plus I'd be able to have alone time whenever I wanted it instead of having to go in my room if I want it, which then pisses me off. I think that that's probably one thing I really hate about Josh. He doesn't need me. He doesn't need anyone. He just does what he wants, when he wants and he doesn't let other people's choices affect him. If he wants to go lay down, he does it. If he wants to go outside, he does. He doesn't bother with other people. I can't decide if I'm jealous because I wish that I could be like that and I hate myself because I'm so paranoid that I don't even want to be in a different room as him. It's so pathetic. When I'm not in the living room with him I get freaked out that he's out there doing something horrible and it's getting so bad that I can't fall asleep or calm down. Lately I get paranoid too because I'm pretty sure he's been going onto singles chat rooms… god I hate myself. I am really a pathetic person. I am. I am the epitome of pathetic.
That's kind of 'what's up with me'. Whining.
Dear Christ, now the fucking website is even being messed up.
I feel like shit. Physically and everything else. I feel like shit, but I feel like I'm starting to not care. I'm turning off and scares me because I don't want to be how I used to be. I don't want to hate people and cut myself off from feelings. Sure, I haven't been having great luck with feelings, but I like it better when they're there.