Misanthropy
Well, it's been a little while since my last update, and I guess it would be time for another one.
In the last couple of months I haven't felt much other than anger. Allow me to explain...
I guess I'll start with school. I was all set to go up to Albany twice a week and attend school. The only thing standing in my way was financial aid. Well, since I'm only 23, I have to record my fathers tax information on my FASFA's, and since he made well over eighty-grand last year, the government pretty much laughed at that idea. It was hell trying to get my fathers tax information out of him in the first place, but that's another story. I then asked him if he would go for the Parent Plus loan. The nice guy at the financial aid office explained it as clearly as possible and in the most layman terms possible. He still was reluctant to go for it, so I was not going to get any aid from him that way. After hearing him yell at me about how I need to go back to school and make something of myself, I finally told him that at this point the only way I'd be able to go to school, is if I have him help me until I turn 24. Finally after explaining it to my parents, they accepted and agreed to go for the private loan instead. My father didn't understand how the payment process works, even though a trained monkey could figure it out. He said he'd rather go for the private loan. Fine. We tried that. Well, low and behold, he was denied for that. So now, I have to wait until I turn 24 to try school again. Fine, whatever, I'll wait. So that's anger strike one.
Next, I'll continue on with my job. I was only hired for seasonal stock work at Brookstone, so I knew the job wasn't going to last forever. A few days before Christmas Eve, however, I decided to just up and quit. Yes, I did no call, no shows. Yes, I did job abandonment. Do I care? No. There were complications with the job and lack of communication and responsibility on the part of management drew me to that conclusion. I left there on very angry terms, filled with spite for my manager. That's anger strike two.
The same day that I didn't go into work for the no call, was the same day as the Holiday Party, which, by the way, was an absolute blast. That day, I blew off work to go hang with Jay, as he had contacted me a few days earlier and asked me if I wanted to tryout for his band. Well, I made the cut, and I replaced the old guitarist. But that day, however, my car blew up. Being the moron I am, I haven't changed the oil in about three years. Not for lack of knowing, it was a combination of laziness and lack of funds. Which now, thinking back on it, there were plenty of times in 2008 that I had the extra 30 bucks to spend, and I was just lazy. It happens. So now, I do not have a car. My fault.
So, while I've been technically living with my parents, I haven't been there in about two months, because I simply cannot stand their company. Any of them. Also, I would imagine that if I were to go there, I would be so out of the way that I wouldn't see anyone. Also seeing that they seem to have no pity on me, they'd want me to get a job, but with no car, I can't look for the job. It's that vicious circle, and I just don't feel like dealing with the stress that they would cause on me.
Speaking of living situations, Cassie's mom has made it abundantly clear that she does not want me in the house. Ever. This time, it's not something I have done. This time, it's a simple neurosis on her mother's part. This is what happens when someone is a cocaine addict, alcoholic with a gambling problem decides that she wants her way. I understand that it is her house, but honestly, what does she have to live for anyway? Maybe the should just go ahead and kill herself. Does that sound too harsh? Well, I don't feel bad saying it. If you're going to be a lump on society, like the cancer infecting my leg, then you have no place in this world. If you're not going to even make the effort to have a social life, and just shelter yourself in your room, because you're too fucked up from too much substance, then you have no place in this world. If you have a problem with people, instead of hiding, why don't you come out and just face them. Stop being a childish cunt, and actually do something. Anger strike number three.
This brings me to a conclusion that I had been sitting on the fence about for quite some time. I had always wondered if I was a Misanthrope. By Wiki's definition, "Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, or hatred of the human species or a disposition to dislike and/or distrust other people." I think that I have been pushed over that edge. But by no means does this mean that I hate everyone. Many misanthropes have a handful of close friends that they keep in contact with. Their hatred stems from the majority as a whole and I think I've been taken there. That liquid hatred of humanity as a whole just makes sense to me, in a way. Like a classic painting, or a great piece of music.
Lately I have been thinking homicidal thoughts. I know that I don't think I have it in me to be pushed over that edge, but every now and then, a thought will just pop into my head. I have to then step back and wonder why I have these thoughts. Could it be that maybe the misanthropy I feel is just going a bit too far? Or maybe I'm looking too deep into it? I'm not sure, but I always just imagine myself killing just random people in a shopping center or the mall or something along those lines, but then I snap back to reality and tell myself no. But then I have to think... wouldn't it be something? Something people just couldn't handle. That absolute hatred of humanity as a species being taken out by one of their own.
Again, that's when these thoughts force me to snap back into reality and think about the conclusions and outcomes. Originally, I thought that I was a Sociopath, but since I am not a doctor, I can't self diagnose myself. Also, textbook definitions define it as being synonymous with psychopathy, and I still feel remorse for the things I have done, and do. So Sociopathy is right out.
But enough of this depressing talk. Let's think about the good things that have happened to me so far in the last couple of months. I've joined a band and applied for Medicaid. I actually don't plan on actively looking for work until I can get my health situation taken care of. Lately this thing has been hurting me, and I am going to try and not exert myself. I had a hard time shoveling the driveway this morning with Brian. This is bad. Plus, the economy is down the tubes and looking for a job isn't the easiest thing to do at the moment, and I never want another retail job again.. I think that's what was fueling my hate.
I can't even really say it was retail that was doing it, it was the fact that I think I have turned into the ultimate enemy of the state. I don't vote, I am a free thinker, I hate capitalism and embrace socialism, I hate free market economies, I don't give in to advertising, I don't follow many trends, and I don't have any trust in the government, no matter who's in office.
To be more specific, I have found that one of the things that I hate specifically, is the needless act of consumption. I think I really figured this out, working in a place like Brookstone, where people, in this economic downturn, would still drop several hundred dollars on high priced, novelty junk that they just don't need. How is having a 300 dollar foot massager EVER going to improve your life? Will it put food in your belly or a roof over your head? Will it clothe you and keep you warm during the winter? No. It does nothing except put an extension on that little thing you call a penis, because you feel that it will make you happy, somehow. That money could have been used to buy food or clothes. And not designer label clothes but clothes you'll actually use.
Straying off topic once again, I was invited to go down to New York City to accompany PJ and Jeanette as PJ needed to go to a lecture at Columbia University. Before we went, Joann, Jeanette, PJ, Matthias, and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art(MET). I hadn't been there since I was maybe 12, and it was amazing to go again. I really enjoyed myself, seeing works of art from all cultures and walks of life. A lot of the art was a bit to religious for my taste, but just spending about an hour and a half in the arms and armour exibit was just enough to make me happy. When we dropped Joann and PJ off at the lecture, Jeanette, Matthias and I had a very interesting time just driving circles around Manhattan, and Matthias and I had gotten into a very interesting discussion.
We talked about certain labels as status symbols. We drive down Madison Ave. and started talking about the fashion industry and how it's all just symbols of status. He mentioned how certain people see having a brand name bag, or shoes, or an outfit makes others around you think that you are somehow more important, because you have this expensive piece of clothing or accessory on. I went on to tell him that I think it's all terribly shallow and not worth my time to meet people like this. If it has no way of actually improving your life as a human being, it's not worth having. People shouldn't be seen for what their wearing, or how much it costs.
I think that's what a big problem of this country, and we as a human species, has wound down to. We see each other now, for the unwritten social caste system we have set up for ourselves.
Sad.
Well, I think I have written enough. I'm sure that no one will actually read, or even reply to this, as it was really just a way to vent my own frustrations. Only time will tell when and what I write about next. I'm sure it will be just as entertaining and informative.
-That is all.
In the last couple of months I haven't felt much other than anger. Allow me to explain...
I guess I'll start with school. I was all set to go up to Albany twice a week and attend school. The only thing standing in my way was financial aid. Well, since I'm only 23, I have to record my fathers tax information on my FASFA's, and since he made well over eighty-grand last year, the government pretty much laughed at that idea. It was hell trying to get my fathers tax information out of him in the first place, but that's another story. I then asked him if he would go for the Parent Plus loan. The nice guy at the financial aid office explained it as clearly as possible and in the most layman terms possible. He still was reluctant to go for it, so I was not going to get any aid from him that way. After hearing him yell at me about how I need to go back to school and make something of myself, I finally told him that at this point the only way I'd be able to go to school, is if I have him help me until I turn 24. Finally after explaining it to my parents, they accepted and agreed to go for the private loan instead. My father didn't understand how the payment process works, even though a trained monkey could figure it out. He said he'd rather go for the private loan. Fine. We tried that. Well, low and behold, he was denied for that. So now, I have to wait until I turn 24 to try school again. Fine, whatever, I'll wait. So that's anger strike one.
Next, I'll continue on with my job. I was only hired for seasonal stock work at Brookstone, so I knew the job wasn't going to last forever. A few days before Christmas Eve, however, I decided to just up and quit. Yes, I did no call, no shows. Yes, I did job abandonment. Do I care? No. There were complications with the job and lack of communication and responsibility on the part of management drew me to that conclusion. I left there on very angry terms, filled with spite for my manager. That's anger strike two.
The same day that I didn't go into work for the no call, was the same day as the Holiday Party, which, by the way, was an absolute blast. That day, I blew off work to go hang with Jay, as he had contacted me a few days earlier and asked me if I wanted to tryout for his band. Well, I made the cut, and I replaced the old guitarist. But that day, however, my car blew up. Being the moron I am, I haven't changed the oil in about three years. Not for lack of knowing, it was a combination of laziness and lack of funds. Which now, thinking back on it, there were plenty of times in 2008 that I had the extra 30 bucks to spend, and I was just lazy. It happens. So now, I do not have a car. My fault.
So, while I've been technically living with my parents, I haven't been there in about two months, because I simply cannot stand their company. Any of them. Also, I would imagine that if I were to go there, I would be so out of the way that I wouldn't see anyone. Also seeing that they seem to have no pity on me, they'd want me to get a job, but with no car, I can't look for the job. It's that vicious circle, and I just don't feel like dealing with the stress that they would cause on me.
Speaking of living situations, Cassie's mom has made it abundantly clear that she does not want me in the house. Ever. This time, it's not something I have done. This time, it's a simple neurosis on her mother's part. This is what happens when someone is a cocaine addict, alcoholic with a gambling problem decides that she wants her way. I understand that it is her house, but honestly, what does she have to live for anyway? Maybe the should just go ahead and kill herself. Does that sound too harsh? Well, I don't feel bad saying it. If you're going to be a lump on society, like the cancer infecting my leg, then you have no place in this world. If you're not going to even make the effort to have a social life, and just shelter yourself in your room, because you're too fucked up from too much substance, then you have no place in this world. If you have a problem with people, instead of hiding, why don't you come out and just face them. Stop being a childish cunt, and actually do something. Anger strike number three.
This brings me to a conclusion that I had been sitting on the fence about for quite some time. I had always wondered if I was a Misanthrope. By Wiki's definition, "Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, or hatred of the human species or a disposition to dislike and/or distrust other people." I think that I have been pushed over that edge. But by no means does this mean that I hate everyone. Many misanthropes have a handful of close friends that they keep in contact with. Their hatred stems from the majority as a whole and I think I've been taken there. That liquid hatred of humanity as a whole just makes sense to me, in a way. Like a classic painting, or a great piece of music.
Lately I have been thinking homicidal thoughts. I know that I don't think I have it in me to be pushed over that edge, but every now and then, a thought will just pop into my head. I have to then step back and wonder why I have these thoughts. Could it be that maybe the misanthropy I feel is just going a bit too far? Or maybe I'm looking too deep into it? I'm not sure, but I always just imagine myself killing just random people in a shopping center or the mall or something along those lines, but then I snap back to reality and tell myself no. But then I have to think... wouldn't it be something? Something people just couldn't handle. That absolute hatred of humanity as a species being taken out by one of their own.
Again, that's when these thoughts force me to snap back into reality and think about the conclusions and outcomes. Originally, I thought that I was a Sociopath, but since I am not a doctor, I can't self diagnose myself. Also, textbook definitions define it as being synonymous with psychopathy, and I still feel remorse for the things I have done, and do. So Sociopathy is right out.
But enough of this depressing talk. Let's think about the good things that have happened to me so far in the last couple of months. I've joined a band and applied for Medicaid. I actually don't plan on actively looking for work until I can get my health situation taken care of. Lately this thing has been hurting me, and I am going to try and not exert myself. I had a hard time shoveling the driveway this morning with Brian. This is bad. Plus, the economy is down the tubes and looking for a job isn't the easiest thing to do at the moment, and I never want another retail job again.. I think that's what was fueling my hate.
I can't even really say it was retail that was doing it, it was the fact that I think I have turned into the ultimate enemy of the state. I don't vote, I am a free thinker, I hate capitalism and embrace socialism, I hate free market economies, I don't give in to advertising, I don't follow many trends, and I don't have any trust in the government, no matter who's in office.
To be more specific, I have found that one of the things that I hate specifically, is the needless act of consumption. I think I really figured this out, working in a place like Brookstone, where people, in this economic downturn, would still drop several hundred dollars on high priced, novelty junk that they just don't need. How is having a 300 dollar foot massager EVER going to improve your life? Will it put food in your belly or a roof over your head? Will it clothe you and keep you warm during the winter? No. It does nothing except put an extension on that little thing you call a penis, because you feel that it will make you happy, somehow. That money could have been used to buy food or clothes. And not designer label clothes but clothes you'll actually use.
Straying off topic once again, I was invited to go down to New York City to accompany PJ and Jeanette as PJ needed to go to a lecture at Columbia University. Before we went, Joann, Jeanette, PJ, Matthias, and I went to the Metropolitan Museum of Art(MET). I hadn't been there since I was maybe 12, and it was amazing to go again. I really enjoyed myself, seeing works of art from all cultures and walks of life. A lot of the art was a bit to religious for my taste, but just spending about an hour and a half in the arms and armour exibit was just enough to make me happy. When we dropped Joann and PJ off at the lecture, Jeanette, Matthias and I had a very interesting time just driving circles around Manhattan, and Matthias and I had gotten into a very interesting discussion.
We talked about certain labels as status symbols. We drive down Madison Ave. and started talking about the fashion industry and how it's all just symbols of status. He mentioned how certain people see having a brand name bag, or shoes, or an outfit makes others around you think that you are somehow more important, because you have this expensive piece of clothing or accessory on. I went on to tell him that I think it's all terribly shallow and not worth my time to meet people like this. If it has no way of actually improving your life as a human being, it's not worth having. People shouldn't be seen for what their wearing, or how much it costs.
I think that's what a big problem of this country, and we as a human species, has wound down to. We see each other now, for the unwritten social caste system we have set up for ourselves.
Sad.
Well, I think I have written enough. I'm sure that no one will actually read, or even reply to this, as it was really just a way to vent my own frustrations. Only time will tell when and what I write about next. I'm sure it will be just as entertaining and informative.
-That is all.