life, currently

[eiara]

i am not happy. i walk from place to place, or drive, in some cases, and i do what i have scheduled for myself, whether class or work, or anything else. but when i dont have class or work i usually end up wasting my time, doing nothing, pining, being miserable and unmodivated and more miserable because of it. i expect to much, and i have very few actual actual friends here. i am too dependent on other people, but then, ironically, i am a very independent kind of person. i dont know how to ask for what i want. i havent gone to the gym because lately when i get there, i get so fed up with exercizing. i dont know, it just doesnt seem worth it to me, nothing changes. i dont do my homework, because i just dont want to right now. i forget things that usually i remember. i get depressed easily (hunh could you tell) and dont think there is a lot that is worthwhile. i play online games too much, which makes me even more bored with life. i cant seem to get what i want in any aspect of my life. i eat to make myself happy, and dont care what i eat. except then i do, so eating doesnt really make me happy. and buying stuff.
i just want to be able to figure myself out. i was on such a good track, for a little while, and now everything seems to have hit a doldrums. i am frustrated with my aspects in love, fed up with my aspects in Tridelt, and lonely in my social activity. it is as if i have lost all reason, for anything, for life, for being, for trying, for doing. i dont like it. even when my family was here last weekend they thought i was unusually silent or sad-looking and that something was wrong.