befuddles
so what is new? im not writing in this thing as much, but i greatly enjoy reading everyone elses.
im feeling less my individual, but what else is new? its been happening this past year at least. im wondering if it is just a sign of adulthood, the end of my innocence (are we continually leaving innocence? for there is always a time when you say, yes, am no longer innocent, but there is always more to lose at that point too). i want to be more free, but i feel tied down by innumerable things, things i cant even identify. i feel constrained, compelled to be a set way, only allowed to behave in ways that are appropriate for me. but who is to say what is appropriate? this is one reason why i feel i MUST go abroad, if it is the last thing i do. i shall never have another chance to be more myself. it is the reason i dont want to marry early, and the reason i want to live in my own appartment for a few years on my own, perhaps during grad school. i must be my individual, and do the things i want.
this all makes me scared of the future. im very afraid that i will merge into some person who has nothing to do with who i intend to be, who i WANT to be. but yet, the way i want to be and how i want to behave is constrained and contained by what people expect of me and connections that burden, become obligation. but where is that fine line between enthusiasm and obligation?
on a similar note, Gilly, i'm thinking about january......
im feeling less my individual, but what else is new? its been happening this past year at least. im wondering if it is just a sign of adulthood, the end of my innocence (are we continually leaving innocence? for there is always a time when you say, yes, am no longer innocent, but there is always more to lose at that point too). i want to be more free, but i feel tied down by innumerable things, things i cant even identify. i feel constrained, compelled to be a set way, only allowed to behave in ways that are appropriate for me. but who is to say what is appropriate? this is one reason why i feel i MUST go abroad, if it is the last thing i do. i shall never have another chance to be more myself. it is the reason i dont want to marry early, and the reason i want to live in my own appartment for a few years on my own, perhaps during grad school. i must be my individual, and do the things i want.
this all makes me scared of the future. im very afraid that i will merge into some person who has nothing to do with who i intend to be, who i WANT to be. but yet, the way i want to be and how i want to behave is constrained and contained by what people expect of me and connections that burden, become obligation. but where is that fine line between enthusiasm and obligation?
on a similar note, Gilly, i'm thinking about january......