reflection
so the ACF retreat was alright. i made a lot of friends, it was fun and all but I didn't feel God's presence until the last night there.
ACF sings this song a lot and they sang it at Cornerstone Church today. Whenever i meditate on the words, I feel my conviction for medicine arising again. Everytime i get discouraged, something about these lyrics speaks truth in my life. Especially the bridge. "Break my heart for what breaks yours"
Hillsong United - Hosanna
Verse 1
I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing
Chorus
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Verse 2
I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Staring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees
Bridge
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Some of you know why i'm doing pre-med. some of you don't.
Living in the middle of the Silicon Valley, there's a strong urge to go into engineering. Maybe it's 'cause Google, Apple, and the rest of technology is located within 45 min of each other. Maybe we just have a really high asian population. Whatever it is, i was the stereotypical asian silicon valley child. I wanted to grow up and become an electrical engineer and work my way to the top of Google or something.
That changed when i went on my first Mexico Missions trip. Well..kinda. As i went and saw the conditions of a poorer country, i wanted to help them. But i couldn't. What could a mere high school student like me do?
One particular kid stood out to me. As joey drove the van from the poor mexican neighborhood made of dirt roads and cardboard houses to the church where we were doing VBS, there was a kid who stood out to me. He was blind in one eye. Glazed over. White, and half-crippled. But he smiled all the time. I wanted to do something for him, like dig out my own eye or give him my leg, but i knew i couldn't. I never saw him again. At that moment, God was tugging on my heart as if to say "you can't do anything about it now, but you CAN do something about it in the future...if you become a doctor."
and i was thinking to myself, "HELLLLLL NOOOO!" So i kept my dream of going to MIT someday. The second year i went to Mexico, I'm sad to say that i didn't go because i felt a calling from God. I went because i felt like i needed to. Like i needed to fulfill a part on the team for leading praise and worship...in Spanish. i had no idea what i was singing. I spoke asian languages, not spanish...but while i was there, God showed me the children again. I knew what God wanted me to do. I just didn't want to do it.
The third year i went to Mexico, I didn't go with my church group, but with a group called Compass, which is a program put together by willing people from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. This time, I was in a different part of Mexico - one a lot better off than Ensenada (the city we went to from my church). Honestly, this doesn't really have anything to do with my med thing so i'll go on.
The fourth year of Mexico, my church went back to Ensenada. One day while we were waiting for the children to come to VBS, i was talking to our translater, Jose. He told me this, almost verbatim: "I so strongly wish that the doctors that come down here would stop coming down here for the money. We can't afford it. I keep praying that God would send someone here to just help us."
Boom.
Slap in the face.
God was saying "that's you."
At first, i thought God wanted me to help the people of Mexico and the less fortunate because they were...less fortunate. You hear people say "we're so blessed." yes, we are. It's not the Mexican people's fault they can't find higher paying jobs. It's not the 3 year old African child' fault because he was born with AIDs. But that's not it.
There are people who become doctors for the money.
There are people who become doctors because they want to help less fortunate people.
Then there are people who become doctors because they want to love the people God loves.
When you want to help the less fortunate, it's like saying that you are so fortunate to have everything you have. I want to help you because I have it all, but you don't, so i want to help you become like me. It's not DIRECTLY like that, but that's kind of the subliminal mentality if you really think about it.
You see, God's heart breaks for the poor. God broke my heart for the people of Mexico. "Break my heart for what breaks yours" we sing in that Hillsong song (ha). I finally get it. God wasn't calling me to become a doctor to help the less fortunate. God was breaking my heart for what breaks His so that "everything i am" is for "His kingdom's cause." To love God is to love his people.
So here i am, in pre-med, not knowing exactly what i'm doing because i got a C in molecular cell biology but you know what? i'm smiling because i know that God will take me through it. No one ever said that just because God calls you to it, it's going to be easy. No. The exact opposite actually...
..But if God puts you to it, He'll get you through it.
ACF sings this song a lot and they sang it at Cornerstone Church today. Whenever i meditate on the words, I feel my conviction for medicine arising again. Everytime i get discouraged, something about these lyrics speaks truth in my life. Especially the bridge. "Break my heart for what breaks yours"
Hillsong United - Hosanna
Verse 1
I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing
Chorus
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest
Verse 2
I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Staring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees
Bridge
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what is yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Some of you know why i'm doing pre-med. some of you don't.
Living in the middle of the Silicon Valley, there's a strong urge to go into engineering. Maybe it's 'cause Google, Apple, and the rest of technology is located within 45 min of each other. Maybe we just have a really high asian population. Whatever it is, i was the stereotypical asian silicon valley child. I wanted to grow up and become an electrical engineer and work my way to the top of Google or something.
That changed when i went on my first Mexico Missions trip. Well..kinda. As i went and saw the conditions of a poorer country, i wanted to help them. But i couldn't. What could a mere high school student like me do?
One particular kid stood out to me. As joey drove the van from the poor mexican neighborhood made of dirt roads and cardboard houses to the church where we were doing VBS, there was a kid who stood out to me. He was blind in one eye. Glazed over. White, and half-crippled. But he smiled all the time. I wanted to do something for him, like dig out my own eye or give him my leg, but i knew i couldn't. I never saw him again. At that moment, God was tugging on my heart as if to say "you can't do anything about it now, but you CAN do something about it in the future...if you become a doctor."
and i was thinking to myself, "HELLLLLL NOOOO!" So i kept my dream of going to MIT someday. The second year i went to Mexico, I'm sad to say that i didn't go because i felt a calling from God. I went because i felt like i needed to. Like i needed to fulfill a part on the team for leading praise and worship...in Spanish. i had no idea what i was singing. I spoke asian languages, not spanish...but while i was there, God showed me the children again. I knew what God wanted me to do. I just didn't want to do it.
The third year i went to Mexico, I didn't go with my church group, but with a group called Compass, which is a program put together by willing people from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. This time, I was in a different part of Mexico - one a lot better off than Ensenada (the city we went to from my church). Honestly, this doesn't really have anything to do with my med thing so i'll go on.
The fourth year of Mexico, my church went back to Ensenada. One day while we were waiting for the children to come to VBS, i was talking to our translater, Jose. He told me this, almost verbatim: "I so strongly wish that the doctors that come down here would stop coming down here for the money. We can't afford it. I keep praying that God would send someone here to just help us."
Boom.
Slap in the face.
God was saying "that's you."
At first, i thought God wanted me to help the people of Mexico and the less fortunate because they were...less fortunate. You hear people say "we're so blessed." yes, we are. It's not the Mexican people's fault they can't find higher paying jobs. It's not the 3 year old African child' fault because he was born with AIDs. But that's not it.
There are people who become doctors for the money.
There are people who become doctors because they want to help less fortunate people.
Then there are people who become doctors because they want to love the people God loves.
When you want to help the less fortunate, it's like saying that you are so fortunate to have everything you have. I want to help you because I have it all, but you don't, so i want to help you become like me. It's not DIRECTLY like that, but that's kind of the subliminal mentality if you really think about it.
You see, God's heart breaks for the poor. God broke my heart for the people of Mexico. "Break my heart for what breaks yours" we sing in that Hillsong song (ha). I finally get it. God wasn't calling me to become a doctor to help the less fortunate. God was breaking my heart for what breaks His so that "everything i am" is for "His kingdom's cause." To love God is to love his people.
So here i am, in pre-med, not knowing exactly what i'm doing because i got a C in molecular cell biology but you know what? i'm smiling because i know that God will take me through it. No one ever said that just because God calls you to it, it's going to be easy. No. The exact opposite actually...
..But if God puts you to it, He'll get you through it.