Balancing Act
To compensate for my wife's...what, jealousy? The BFF and I are now both acting pretty far out-of-character. Which is - in a word - exhausting while also being wholly unfulfilling as far as relationships go. Now that I think about it, that would make an effective strategy. Already the last time we were there the BFF and I did far less touching than we usually do, but now we're also both watching our words as well as our actions just to not cause even the suggestion of impropriety so as to not be misrepresented. To put it colloquially, we're now both walking on eggshells around her.
My greatest fear is losing both wifey and BFF. BFFs greatest fear is losing wifey and myself. Wifey has let me know, "people are replaceable" so losing either one or both of us may very well not be her greatest fear. I do NOT believe people are replaceable. Love can so entwine itself throughout, that while it may eventually wither and die, it won't do so without a fight, and when it does, those parts of it simply cannot ever be filled. I told wifey I was sure she meant, "roles" can be replaced, be it that of a husband, a lover, or a best friend, but it was chilling to hear nonetheless.
I don't honestly know how the BFF could think she'd "lose" me, and I found it preposterous to consider, though I can imagine quite a few scenarios where she simply tires of my incessant banter, never-ending quest for knowledge, or pursuit of her affection to want to wash her hands of me. Honestly, I wouldn't blame her. I would be inconsolable, but I would understand. Wifey has already tried once commanding me to not text the BFF, and I only complied out of my love and respect for her. Awkwardly, that didn't play out well, and now perhaps I'm simply trying to play catch-up to fill the void of those several long months?
I am intimate with the BFF to a degree, but I'm pretty sure we're at the same level with one another; I restrain myself with my vulnerability, and I'm pretty sure she is doing the same with me. The only one who's ever had unfettered access to us both is wifey as far as I know. But because I'm having to keep aspects of my communication hidden from wifey (and I know her and BFF aren't currently communicating at previous levels), she's actually creating - from our relationship - a secret emotional affair. Which goes against everything I stand for. It's a precarious tightrope across those eggshells to navigate, and honestly one I hoped to never have to balance again.
You see, my relationship with the BFF - while wonderful - is not yet impenetrable. I know this simply because we're both afraid of losing one another. Were we completely secure in our relationship, we would be aware of its impossibility. Since we're not there yet, we fear. We fear loss. I know when I go more than a couple of days without hearing from her anything more than superficial acknowledgement, its very easy to convince myself she's finally grown tired of my feeble attempts at seducing her, or moved past me right into the arms of some other man, or has finally stopped fighting her exceedingly strict upbringing out of guilt - and these are just the first ones which come to mind - believe me, I have dozens more. I feel once we overcome these fears - through trust and continued vulnerability - we will no longer be plagued by them.
Which is why walking on eggshells can be catastrophic.