M2 Pro saga so far: The support person who took ownership of my case was unable to get the required approvals for the return and/or upgrade to the M1 Ultra Studio today and will reach out again Thursday. When an M-series box crashes to the firmware loading prompt, it can be quickly and easily "revived" by attaching it to another M-series computer and running Apple Configurator on the working machine. This of course requires a person to own more than one M-series computer. So I bought a base M2 Mini for Dorian ($499 on Amazon) and reclaimed the i7 Mini in the interim (also to run my x86 VMs). If this ever happens again, I'll be able to fix the goddamn thing myself!
Also much love to Tony, who gave me my first Mini, and Carla, who gave me my second Mini ❤