The Illusion of Vulnerability
I'd been using the word, "vulnerable" when describing an admittance of failures, weaknesses, faults, and fears, forgetting completely the true power behind it, and when it is applicable. For me, it's quite effortless to disclose these things to those with whom I interact. I talk freely about these things to be transparent, which is honestly all that level of vulnerability provides - it isn't being truly vulnerable. It may feel like vulnerability to those unaccustomed to communicating them because it feels uncomfortable. More likely, we had expectations tied to our interactions, to which the introduction of vulnerabilities may skew - or so we correlate. True vulnerability however is not simply expectation management or an enumeration of that which frightens us, it is about trust.
Trust can be applied to many things but in its simplest form, it is placing oneself in the position of belief that another person will do what they say. When I speak of vulnerability, I'm talking about an altogether different level of trust.
When I've opened my heart so completely to another person they could reach in and destroy me if they had the tools required to accomplish that task...vulnerability is freely offering those tools to them. Trust is hoping beyond hope they never deign to use them. I have gifted mine, wrapped in gold, to another. The act itself in doing so was more than I'd ever hoped for. Ultimately, the magnitude of what transpired went unrecognized. When tinkering with trust and vulnerability at this level, even the lack of recognition can be soul-crushing. Generally, what happens next is we withdraw. A lot. It's a defense mechanism designed to protect us from further harm. A carapace cocoons the suddenly fragile, dangerously exposed parts in self-preservation as we collect our discarded tools to hide them away in hopes no one notices they were ever there...and etch the interaction deep into our psyche.
So when I speak of being truly vulnerable, this is what I mean.