(no subject)
It's almost 6 AM but I can't sleep. I'm sitting up uncomfortably against my wall with Berkley curled up licking himself by my legs. I just feel so ... surreal. I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to put it in the right words to even begin to explain how sad yet fortunate I feel right now.
This time last year, I was dating Jack. I hadn't even met 耀铭 yet. I spent my time working, going to class, hanging out with Christina, completely unaware of how much shit I was going to put myself through. Dating Jack ... it honestly was the worst relationship I've been in. The thing I regret the most is how much I hurt my mom during that time. She didn't deserve the anxiety I put her through, always wondering where I was in the middle of the night, when I was going to be home, and Jack sure as hell didn't deserve that devotion. But I think I just wanted a boyfriend so badly that I thought, "It's going to be okay. I'm going to endure all this, and in the end, we'll be happy." Bull-fucking-shit. My mom was happy that I moved back home but our relationship, the trust was completely gone. I would get annoyed when she got paranoid about where I was going, but what had I done to make her trust me? I acted like nothing had happened when in reality, I should've been busting my ass, kissing her feet, thankful that she even took me back in after such a disrespectful, arrogant, idiotic display of rebellion. I'm crying as I write this because my mom ... I really love my mom. She's always been there for me; through every breakup, depression, rebellion, everything. I remember when she was still in college and I would stay up at home, waiting for her to come back from going to karaoke with her friends because I was scared she would be too drunk and need help coming in. I remember how betrayed I felt when we left Mark in the middle of the night, how scared I felt every time I saw him because of the position she put me in. How betrayed I felt, thinking that she wanted to be with Scott more than me, that I was just a third wheel, extra baggage. I remember how resentful I was of her for getting pregnant again because it made me feel like I wasn't enough for her. I remember secretly reading her journal one day, only to see that she had written that she wanted to kick me out. I remember how much I resented her for letting Alex move in because it's just one more person I would have to share her with. But despite all of that, we still love each other and it's the most amazing thing in the world. Omgggg I need a box of tissue right now ...
Anyway, going back to my relationship with Jack: if someone doesn't make you happy, don't waste your time. I had hoped that the more time I spent away from my family and with Jack, he would realize that I'm amazing, that I'm worth his time, that he needed me. How naive. And how stupid, to need such validation from someone who was so obviously not worth my time, or was even interested in trying to be. My trip to see Gwen is what kept me sane. It gave me something else to focus on, to look forward to, to spend positive energy on. To be honest, I had second thoughts about visiting Gwen because I wondered how it would affect my relationship with Jack but I would much rather deepen our friendship than bother with that. I looked forward to every four-way conversation we had with Arthur & 耀铭 because they made me happy. I found myself worrying less about when Jack was going to call me because I had more important things to do. Building friendships is something that will never get old. It doesn't matter how long you've known each other, there is always a new foundation to be set, to be ventured upon together.
Last year was such a dramatic blur, but I'm thankful for how things turned out.
This time last year, I was dating Jack. I hadn't even met 耀铭 yet. I spent my time working, going to class, hanging out with Christina, completely unaware of how much shit I was going to put myself through. Dating Jack ... it honestly was the worst relationship I've been in. The thing I regret the most is how much I hurt my mom during that time. She didn't deserve the anxiety I put her through, always wondering where I was in the middle of the night, when I was going to be home, and Jack sure as hell didn't deserve that devotion. But I think I just wanted a boyfriend so badly that I thought, "It's going to be okay. I'm going to endure all this, and in the end, we'll be happy." Bull-fucking-shit. My mom was happy that I moved back home but our relationship, the trust was completely gone. I would get annoyed when she got paranoid about where I was going, but what had I done to make her trust me? I acted like nothing had happened when in reality, I should've been busting my ass, kissing her feet, thankful that she even took me back in after such a disrespectful, arrogant, idiotic display of rebellion. I'm crying as I write this because my mom ... I really love my mom. She's always been there for me; through every breakup, depression, rebellion, everything. I remember when she was still in college and I would stay up at home, waiting for her to come back from going to karaoke with her friends because I was scared she would be too drunk and need help coming in. I remember how betrayed I felt when we left Mark in the middle of the night, how scared I felt every time I saw him because of the position she put me in. How betrayed I felt, thinking that she wanted to be with Scott more than me, that I was just a third wheel, extra baggage. I remember how resentful I was of her for getting pregnant again because it made me feel like I wasn't enough for her. I remember secretly reading her journal one day, only to see that she had written that she wanted to kick me out. I remember how much I resented her for letting Alex move in because it's just one more person I would have to share her with. But despite all of that, we still love each other and it's the most amazing thing in the world. Omgggg I need a box of tissue right now ...
Anyway, going back to my relationship with Jack: if someone doesn't make you happy, don't waste your time. I had hoped that the more time I spent away from my family and with Jack, he would realize that I'm amazing, that I'm worth his time, that he needed me. How naive. And how stupid, to need such validation from someone who was so obviously not worth my time, or was even interested in trying to be. My trip to see Gwen is what kept me sane. It gave me something else to focus on, to look forward to, to spend positive energy on. To be honest, I had second thoughts about visiting Gwen because I wondered how it would affect my relationship with Jack but I would much rather deepen our friendship than bother with that. I looked forward to every four-way conversation we had with Arthur & 耀铭 because they made me happy. I found myself worrying less about when Jack was going to call me because I had more important things to do. Building friendships is something that will never get old. It doesn't matter how long you've known each other, there is always a new foundation to be set, to be ventured upon together.
Last year was such a dramatic blur, but I'm thankful for how things turned out.