(no subject)
you know when you KNOW something, like it hasnt been actually said, but you know...like yeah, you know what i mean, you can work out who someone os talking about even though they dont really give you a clue, like, i spent the day with a mate, and you know tjhat could be any of 100 people...but you KNOW exactly down to 1% who that person is...like you brain just accepts it as fact
well why does it still affect you when someone actually says is.... why, even though you KNOW something, does it affect you so much when someone actually tells you...i dont get it!
like...i know why it hurts, i know why it makes me angry and worried and whatever....i just dont know why it didnt really affect me till i was told... like i knew, its as simple as that, there was never any doubt....so why does this make anything different... its fucked up, i'm fucked up...this is all just fucked up
FUCK!
why does this make me call all of the past into question, why is it that i turn around now and ask myself if it was all real, if any of it was true, why, after having such belief, not believing at first the trusting what was happening and trusting myself and trusting her. putting trust that i said i wouldnt never again give, into her, do i now look back and feel uncertainty... there was doubt, then it went away... she forced it away, smothered it, she made me go back and change a decision i made a while ago with iron coinstitution... i had belief then... a hard earned belief, something that wouldnt have been there if it wasnt real, couldnt have been there if it wasnt real...
why do i now look back and call the into question....i just dont know what she felt anymore, i dont know if she was ever telling the truth, dont know if any of it was real or true...and that scares me more than anything ive ever felt
*sigh* i dont have the answers...and i dont know how im supposed to get them, she obviously dosent really wanna talk about it, ohh well... i spose i just gotta deal with my shit, sorry for the rant
ROCHE