My sad life
This is going to sound bad, but just for a day, I want someone to pay
attention to me. I want someone to hold my hand, give my flowers, tell
me how beautiful I am. Then I want them to go away. I want someone to
have a crush on me. I see everyone around me with someone or having
feelings for someone and me sitting here just kinda blah. I have
feelings for someone I haven't seen in a long time and who I know has
no intrest in me at all. I want to know I'm beautiful again. I want
that feeling of knowing that there is someone thinking about you all
the time. I miss the butterflies and getting nervous. I don't want sex
or really even kissing. I want to be liked, and thats it.
I went out today and I felt gorgeous, and I felt like it was just a big waste. There was no one to impress. No heads turned. No one said, "Wow, you look so pretty today." I just blended in. I was another person in the waiting room, another person on the street or in the store...to my friends I guess I looked the same as I always do. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell, "Look at me!" But I didn't. Instead, I sat and thought about how great I felt when I was with Jordan. How beautiful I felt. I wanted to call him so badly, but I didn't. It makes me sick that to feel good I need someone to like me or tell me I look good. All this bummed me out so much that I left hanging out with my friends. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk about this stuff with them because I'll be a burden on them and they'll get annoyed and not invite me out. Sometimes I have let the flood gates open and I feel really weird about it afterwards. I feel bad for letting it out and saying the things I did.
I talked to my friend Aaron yesterday and I think that if he lived remotely near me (like not indiana) I would have a crush on him. Hes just so nice and polite. Not to mention hes good looking. The way that talking to him makes me feel is what I crave. I wish I could talk to him more often.
I wish I could fix this. I wish I could turn heads and feel good about myself again. But I can't. And I am trying really hard to change my attitude, but just when I get to a point where I get comfortable I get upset again. I need to stop complaining.
I am going to sit in bed and figure out a way to fix myself...and that could take days.
I went out today and I felt gorgeous, and I felt like it was just a big waste. There was no one to impress. No heads turned. No one said, "Wow, you look so pretty today." I just blended in. I was another person in the waiting room, another person on the street or in the store...to my friends I guess I looked the same as I always do. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell, "Look at me!" But I didn't. Instead, I sat and thought about how great I felt when I was with Jordan. How beautiful I felt. I wanted to call him so badly, but I didn't. It makes me sick that to feel good I need someone to like me or tell me I look good. All this bummed me out so much that I left hanging out with my friends. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk about this stuff with them because I'll be a burden on them and they'll get annoyed and not invite me out. Sometimes I have let the flood gates open and I feel really weird about it afterwards. I feel bad for letting it out and saying the things I did.
I talked to my friend Aaron yesterday and I think that if he lived remotely near me (like not indiana) I would have a crush on him. Hes just so nice and polite. Not to mention hes good looking. The way that talking to him makes me feel is what I crave. I wish I could talk to him more often.
I wish I could fix this. I wish I could turn heads and feel good about myself again. But I can't. And I am trying really hard to change my attitude, but just when I get to a point where I get comfortable I get upset again. I need to stop complaining.
I am going to sit in bed and figure out a way to fix myself...and that could take days.