(no subject)
I've been thinking about things tonight, and I think they're worth recording so I don't forget myself:
I realized some things about how I'm handling relationships right now, and maybe why I've been feeling freaked out and stretched lately.
I've realized that I need to let go of my relationships from high school. I try to talk with them as often as I can, but I can't help but feel like I'm being a bit of a nag every time a conversation starts. I'm not trying to nag, though I know I do that sometimes; I just want to keep the relationship going. I value my friends. In fact, I think the friends I made at College Academy are the first friends I wanted to keep. I've never really had a relationship like that before, where I genuinely and utterly trusted someone and wanted never to lose contact with them. Honestly, I don't. I value their opinions, their insights, their camaraderie, more than anything I think I ever have. I'm also absolutely terrified of losing them. I know I shouldn't. I know that in life things change, and that nothing is permanent; hell, I've lived it. And I'll admit I'm not as scared as I was the beginning of senior year with that whole fiasco. That was terrifying, and I remember curling up and praying to God I didn't lose the only friends I had. Luckily I didn't. But I'm beginning to learn that one of the reasons I'm so miserable lately is I'm worrying about people that I'm not near. I'm missing my friends. I'm frustrated I can't help them when I perceive them to be in a pickle. I'm sad I can't physically be there with them. I feel like I'm being left behind, and they're going off on their own adventures while I'm fucking sitting here twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the storms to pass. My new goal is to begin a period of benign neglect, where instead of me always initiating conversation every day, I wait until people want to talk to me instead. I'm always up for talking to people online (I think I'm a bit of an attention whore). I'm always up for roleplaying anything. But when it's one-sided, it doesn't really make anybody happy. I need to remember that they're living their lives at college and I need to start living mine, even if it's just in enjoying the small things (like learning a virus says FFFFFFFF).
And romance is slowly unfolding before me. It's not as scary as I once imagined it, though I have no idea how I'm going to handle sex as they idea of going through that still terrifies me slightly. But...BEING in a relationship. Feeling things. I'm learning that my feelings are important, and it's important to learn how to read them, and NOT to try to lock them away as that is probably part of what made my ass so miserable in tenth grade when I suffered from depression. Feelings are not weak or a sign of uber-girliness like out culture has dictated. I have far more respect for people who have a great emotional maturity and a good handle on themselves; it takes some guts to dig inside. And even though there's distance so we try to keep it casual, I'm still...happy? Like just talking to him, even for a few minutes, makes me feel better. We encourage each other, make each other laugh, share things. It's really nice. And, above all, I trust him. I trust him physically, emotionally...it's not love. There are times I don't think I'm truly capable of love. But this at least lets me know I'm capable of trust and care. I'm a little worried about him staying in school, but he tough. I know he can handle whatever problems life throws at him, and if he needs encouragement I will gladly offer it. (Wow this sounds mushy. But it is genuine.) It's sort of odd because it's a constant, if that makes any sense. Like I just feel it? I knew this was the person I really wanted to take a shot at; I'd learned some lessons and was determined to not screw this up. Like I learned that sometimes YOU have to take the initiative, and it's okay. And I've learned I can do that.
I also have some friends who've been physically sick lately, and I've wanted nothing more than to help them. God, it physically pained me sometimes knowing I couldn't do anything to help them. Very few things in life truly frighten me: loneliness, emptiness, lack of control over my own faculties, and almost equal to that, helplessness. Nothing frustrates me more than helplessness. I don't like waiting around for something to happen and not being able to do anything for somebody. I don't like being helpless, because to me helpless equates to powerless, which is exactly where I promised myself I would never end up. I know I can't solve every problem in the world. I know I can't fix anything. But I'll be damned if I don't at least try.
On that note, I've been worried about myself too. I've been worried about my grades, about not getting my teachers' respect, about not having enough money to get through school, about having to take out a loan which I will fight tooth and nail to NOT do, about not getting a job, about getting enough sleep, about being able to handle college...really, it's nuts. My relationship with my family has never been strained until I got to college, and now we rarely talk because neither of us have any time. My parents work and then collapse in exhaustion and I barely have time for myself. Every time my mother has called it has ended with me crying in anger and frustration. This isn't exactly how I pictured college to be. But I don't want to go back to the therapist; I don't want to become dependent on that. I know it's there for me to use. But I have to know that I can nut up and slough through my problems on my own. I want to grow up. I know it'll be painful, but it's something that needs to be done and by God I will get it done one way or another.
Well. That became way more personal than I originally meant it to. But it feels good to get it off my chest. Now, I think, I should sleep as I will be up early. Think of this what you will. I just had a rare moment of clarity and actually opened my inner thoughts up.
I realized some things about how I'm handling relationships right now, and maybe why I've been feeling freaked out and stretched lately.
I've realized that I need to let go of my relationships from high school. I try to talk with them as often as I can, but I can't help but feel like I'm being a bit of a nag every time a conversation starts. I'm not trying to nag, though I know I do that sometimes; I just want to keep the relationship going. I value my friends. In fact, I think the friends I made at College Academy are the first friends I wanted to keep. I've never really had a relationship like that before, where I genuinely and utterly trusted someone and wanted never to lose contact with them. Honestly, I don't. I value their opinions, their insights, their camaraderie, more than anything I think I ever have. I'm also absolutely terrified of losing them. I know I shouldn't. I know that in life things change, and that nothing is permanent; hell, I've lived it. And I'll admit I'm not as scared as I was the beginning of senior year with that whole fiasco. That was terrifying, and I remember curling up and praying to God I didn't lose the only friends I had. Luckily I didn't. But I'm beginning to learn that one of the reasons I'm so miserable lately is I'm worrying about people that I'm not near. I'm missing my friends. I'm frustrated I can't help them when I perceive them to be in a pickle. I'm sad I can't physically be there with them. I feel like I'm being left behind, and they're going off on their own adventures while I'm fucking sitting here twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the storms to pass. My new goal is to begin a period of benign neglect, where instead of me always initiating conversation every day, I wait until people want to talk to me instead. I'm always up for talking to people online (I think I'm a bit of an attention whore). I'm always up for roleplaying anything. But when it's one-sided, it doesn't really make anybody happy. I need to remember that they're living their lives at college and I need to start living mine, even if it's just in enjoying the small things (like learning a virus says FFFFFFFF).
And romance is slowly unfolding before me. It's not as scary as I once imagined it, though I have no idea how I'm going to handle sex as they idea of going through that still terrifies me slightly. But...BEING in a relationship. Feeling things. I'm learning that my feelings are important, and it's important to learn how to read them, and NOT to try to lock them away as that is probably part of what made my ass so miserable in tenth grade when I suffered from depression. Feelings are not weak or a sign of uber-girliness like out culture has dictated. I have far more respect for people who have a great emotional maturity and a good handle on themselves; it takes some guts to dig inside. And even though there's distance so we try to keep it casual, I'm still...happy? Like just talking to him, even for a few minutes, makes me feel better. We encourage each other, make each other laugh, share things. It's really nice. And, above all, I trust him. I trust him physically, emotionally...it's not love. There are times I don't think I'm truly capable of love. But this at least lets me know I'm capable of trust and care. I'm a little worried about him staying in school, but he tough. I know he can handle whatever problems life throws at him, and if he needs encouragement I will gladly offer it. (Wow this sounds mushy. But it is genuine.) It's sort of odd because it's a constant, if that makes any sense. Like I just feel it? I knew this was the person I really wanted to take a shot at; I'd learned some lessons and was determined to not screw this up. Like I learned that sometimes YOU have to take the initiative, and it's okay. And I've learned I can do that.
I also have some friends who've been physically sick lately, and I've wanted nothing more than to help them. God, it physically pained me sometimes knowing I couldn't do anything to help them. Very few things in life truly frighten me: loneliness, emptiness, lack of control over my own faculties, and almost equal to that, helplessness. Nothing frustrates me more than helplessness. I don't like waiting around for something to happen and not being able to do anything for somebody. I don't like being helpless, because to me helpless equates to powerless, which is exactly where I promised myself I would never end up. I know I can't solve every problem in the world. I know I can't fix anything. But I'll be damned if I don't at least try.
On that note, I've been worried about myself too. I've been worried about my grades, about not getting my teachers' respect, about not having enough money to get through school, about having to take out a loan which I will fight tooth and nail to NOT do, about not getting a job, about getting enough sleep, about being able to handle college...really, it's nuts. My relationship with my family has never been strained until I got to college, and now we rarely talk because neither of us have any time. My parents work and then collapse in exhaustion and I barely have time for myself. Every time my mother has called it has ended with me crying in anger and frustration. This isn't exactly how I pictured college to be. But I don't want to go back to the therapist; I don't want to become dependent on that. I know it's there for me to use. But I have to know that I can nut up and slough through my problems on my own. I want to grow up. I know it'll be painful, but it's something that needs to be done and by God I will get it done one way or another.
Well. That became way more personal than I originally meant it to. But it feels good to get it off my chest. Now, I think, I should sleep as I will be up early. Think of this what you will. I just had a rare moment of clarity and actually opened my inner thoughts up.