(no subject)
I refuse to put myself in the lower position anymore.
Alot of things have definitely changed since high school. For better or for worse? I don't know.
But I decided, today, that I can and will close that chapter of my life. I'm not a high-schooler anymore.
Most people don't know this, but even though I'm 19 for a long time I still felt like I was 18. Today is the day I claim my 19-year-oldness.
I'm learning how to deal with friends. Friendships are weird and life sucks, but I'm glad I'm learning that now instead of later.
From now on, I want peers and equals. I don't want friends who have all the power, and I refuse to give it to them. I want the type of friendship I have always dreamed of having: one that revolves around respect and love, and the ability to point out when the other's being an idiot. I guess that's sort of what they're like in chick flicks.
I'm beginning to think chick flicks lie.
It's nowhere near that simple.
I have cried so much today, but now my eyes are dry and I can finally think straight.
I know I can love people passionately, even if I'm not so good with the romantic passionate love. I know how to love friends and I know how to love family. Even if I never find a romantic, passionate love, I know that I can still love and that I can still feel passion. That comforts me.
When I go back up to college I'm seriously going to have to find friends I can go out and party and/or be spontaneous with. I need that shit like crazy. Speaking of which, Candice, if you read this, I'm already missing you girl. Have a good time at your college, and I wish you many successful ventures!
Also, communication is so incredibly, incredibly important, down to the very last preposition and verb you use. It can completely and utterly change the tone of a conversation, especially when you're writing and you can't actually hear a person's voice. Tone matters, people, tone matters.
I've learned I can't control people. On the flipside, I'm going to do my best to show people they can't control me either. (I was so tempted to put "You better recognize, bitches!" right here, but I don't think that would have gone over too well in all seriousness.)
My wonderful adrenaline high has worn off, and now instead my head and stomach ache like crazy. Bah.
Y'know what's funny? I've been seeing a therapist for most of the school year; every time I went to her office, I would pick up the copy of Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist (which I read in my freshman year of high school and remains one of my favorite books), and would flip to a random page. No matter how many times I did it, I never felt like I was getting any closer to the end of it. My very last session with her, I finally reached the end of the book. That same session, I finally realized something I had heard but it never really hit home before: life is how we view it; life is what we make of it. It was very cleansing, closing.
Since then, well, school ended, I've filled out paperwork for my summer job, and I went on what was originally going to be a night of Rocky Horror with Meli and Luke, but ended up being us just wandering around Ft. Lauderdale and hanging out at the beach. Seriously one of the best nights I've ever had. Actually, I wouldn't mind doing something like that again with Luke and Meli--especially visiting a goth nightclub or two--but considering the way things are, I don't really think she's in the mood to talk with me. Which is fine. I'm not going to curl up in a corner and die a little inside like senior year. I still want to be friends; it's up to her now, and I will be satisfied with whatever call she makes.
Well, I now have Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins, and I will probably read that and watch "Hellboy II" and "Daybreakers." If I confront Rainbow, it will be after her Cappies high. I don't think I can deal with two friends being hella pissed at me in one day.