Ridicule. Confronted.
Well, I realized something today after another long conversation with the best friend. Ridicule is an incredibly immature, passive-agressive tactic that many adult people around my age (23) who seemingly have moved past their junior high years still use. It's as if they still cannot manage to confront someone one-on-one as a human or maybe they are just afraid to humbly confront their own reality? Before you get the wrong idea, my best is the protagonist in this particular story not the antagonist.
So here is the story. At my friend's work, someone in the kitchen asked if he could tell her a joke - or if she would get all offended about thisl. He said it was kind of a dirty joke, and she said that was fine that she could handle dirty jokes. Well, he proceeded to tell her an old joke about why Mexico does not have an Olympics team. I won't repeat it because it's offensive. She asked him to not finish it because she's heard it before, and it's disgusting. He started to rail on her about why she doesn't have a sense of humor, about who stole her sense of humor. Then, he proceeded to tell some other coworkers who told other coworkers (many of these coworkers are her friends) around her work who all ridiculed her that day for being a hypersensitive person with no sense of humor. I was aroused by this story because I've been ridiculed by many people in the same way and harassed about my lack of sense of humor because I refuse to play along in hearing jokes that I think are disgusting. Yet, her and I, who supposedly have no sense of humor, when around each other and other friends, we are constantly laughing hysterically about all kinds of silly things.
In terms of jokes, I usually just opt out of them, especially if offered to me by a near-stranger. To make their punch line almost always necessitates the ridicule of some or other group of people. In terms of the innocuousness of their joke, people seem to think that if they know one person who speaks Spanish (or-fill-in-the-blank-depending-on-the-joke) that laughs at this joke when told it, that their offensive joke is not offensive at all. Somehow this also means that you have no right to take offense at it either.
She also told me that this one particular joke was told in a class we both had at different times about the History of Mexico with one of the most awesome professors either of us had at UK, Dr. Chassen-Lopez. The guy that told it was railed on and his grade in the class dropped a letter grade, which I have no sympathy for having taken the class because by that point anyone should have understood how passionate the professor was about debunking so many Mexican stereotypes.
My friend said she was having an existential crisis of not knowing who she was - of questioning everything about the world and her politics. She does not relate to almost all people - which I'm experiencing. She said there is a point where she has learned to accept where people are in their differences and love and grow from that but that she was tired of being an alien. Do you compromise yourself and giggle politely when Johnny says, "My goal is to eat barbecue every night on disposable plates." followed by high fives? We were just asking - where is the limit, what battles do we fight? She said she was so desperate and at the edge for things to make sense that if something doesn't happen soon, she might have to go to church.
I asked her first if her identity was wrapped up in how these people at work see her? Is her self their opinion of her? She said she also has to quell fat jokes from being told around her. She asked me if maybe she should just lighten up? I asked her what was wrong with being offended in taking pleasure in humor that you would never ridicule to anyone's face? Why do hurtful, "humorous" things said behind some innocent person's back suddenly become funny? Thirdly, does she really believe that because of them, she has no sense of humor? Think of some like Dr. Chassen-Lopez, who we both really admire. She would and does jump on anyone making that kind of statement, but she has a hilarious sense of humor and is fun. But then, I got really angry as I started to see how many times I'd been in this scenario.
This is a typical scenario, and it often occurs for a feminist. Friend wants to make a comment that is acceptable to most everyone else. Friend makes comment to the offense of his or her feminist friend. Because of feminist friend's reaction, this friend's response is one bafflement. Friend ridicules feminist friend. This is not to say that feminist friend knows everything or that non-feminist friend doesn't have something to say or critique rationally. Goodness knows I have a lot to learn and want to learn from friends of differing opinions. But I am sick of being bullied into accepting blatant disrespectful comments to myself or another supposed friend who holds beliefs different from most everyone else that person knows. This is specifically addressing the instances where Ridicule is employed. It's immature and ridiculous and shows no true respect for that person's beliefs. If this friend has already been confronted with that difference in opinion between the two friends, and still purports to respectfully disagree, he or she will be conscious about bringing up offensive issues in a non-discursive context. Even if a friend accidentally brings up a subject or lets a comment slip, he or she will not let the issue degenerate to the point where he or she is ridiculing that feminist friend when she reacts with disdain to that comment.
This is so elementary and common sense, but it is surprising how often it is violated. Like I said, people use the tactic of Ridicule to avoid adult conversations.
That guy in the kitchen at my friend's work, like my own family and some friends, did not confront the issue of whether maybe it was problematic to find so much humor in this joke. Instead of thinking about it for himself or thinking about whether it was actually a sane reaction that my friend had about the joke, he insecurely took a very unscientific poll. "Gosh, this girl finds this joke offensive; I think it's funny don't you?" He did this in lieu of confronting her with why she finds it offensive with the exception of his unproductive, disrespectful ridiculing, "What's wrong with you? Why are you so weird and creepy and have no sense of humor?"
I was really angry because this guy was taking his own immaturity and insecurity in confronting the issues as a mature individual around the joke - whether or not there are any issues from one human being to another human being, in a personal way. I was angry because this happens to me all the time - and in order to be socially acceptable, your response has to be something along the lines of an apologetic giggling - yea, that's what I think, I'm so silly. This is because the use of Ridicule is a big warning sign that your ideas are obviously so radically from the norm, that the person is seriously bothered by you. Fuck him and all those folks who take out their own immaturity on her and me by using the social acceptable, social conformist tactic of ridicule in lieu of mature communication. I guess other forms of it would be too tedious and dull, and worse, uncool and aggravating, since they would take effort and shit?
As a Post Script warning: Anyone thinking this is a chance to convert my friend or concerned about her atheist soul, just know: She is the same friend that told me a story, clearly disturbed, about her visit to the Six Flags Over Jesus church in Louisville (by that, we mean, it's huge), how the preacher one time said, "So does God want us to cut down trees? Well, Jesus was a carpenter. Does God want us to eat meat?" And then something about Jesus and meat. I guess he doesn't know the different between moderation and the blight of consumerism - and didn't God give us brains to use them? Did God tell us to cut down all the trees - hell, why make them or an amazingly balanced ecological system for that matter - so that humans would have more things to kill and make extinct? Did Jesus eat cows injected with freaky hormones that eat carnivorous diets - chopped up dead cow bones in their cheap meal? Does God want us to have an entertainment set in the den and fine china in the cupboard? Were those some of Jesus's interests? Where is the limit to this elementary logic? Man, did God want us to go to churches that distort reality - as if ecological issues and campaigns about forest removal are about some black and white absolute - to cut down trees at all or to not cut down trees for human use? Again, did God give us brains to use them? Yea, so if you are thinking, she is ripe for some Truth-gettin', that is so not the case.
So here is the story. At my friend's work, someone in the kitchen asked if he could tell her a joke - or if she would get all offended about thisl. He said it was kind of a dirty joke, and she said that was fine that she could handle dirty jokes. Well, he proceeded to tell her an old joke about why Mexico does not have an Olympics team. I won't repeat it because it's offensive. She asked him to not finish it because she's heard it before, and it's disgusting. He started to rail on her about why she doesn't have a sense of humor, about who stole her sense of humor. Then, he proceeded to tell some other coworkers who told other coworkers (many of these coworkers are her friends) around her work who all ridiculed her that day for being a hypersensitive person with no sense of humor. I was aroused by this story because I've been ridiculed by many people in the same way and harassed about my lack of sense of humor because I refuse to play along in hearing jokes that I think are disgusting. Yet, her and I, who supposedly have no sense of humor, when around each other and other friends, we are constantly laughing hysterically about all kinds of silly things.
In terms of jokes, I usually just opt out of them, especially if offered to me by a near-stranger. To make their punch line almost always necessitates the ridicule of some or other group of people. In terms of the innocuousness of their joke, people seem to think that if they know one person who speaks Spanish (or-fill-in-the-blank-depending-on-the-joke) that laughs at this joke when told it, that their offensive joke is not offensive at all. Somehow this also means that you have no right to take offense at it either.
She also told me that this one particular joke was told in a class we both had at different times about the History of Mexico with one of the most awesome professors either of us had at UK, Dr. Chassen-Lopez. The guy that told it was railed on and his grade in the class dropped a letter grade, which I have no sympathy for having taken the class because by that point anyone should have understood how passionate the professor was about debunking so many Mexican stereotypes.
My friend said she was having an existential crisis of not knowing who she was - of questioning everything about the world and her politics. She does not relate to almost all people - which I'm experiencing. She said there is a point where she has learned to accept where people are in their differences and love and grow from that but that she was tired of being an alien. Do you compromise yourself and giggle politely when Johnny says, "My goal is to eat barbecue every night on disposable plates." followed by high fives? We were just asking - where is the limit, what battles do we fight? She said she was so desperate and at the edge for things to make sense that if something doesn't happen soon, she might have to go to church.
I asked her first if her identity was wrapped up in how these people at work see her? Is her self their opinion of her? She said she also has to quell fat jokes from being told around her. She asked me if maybe she should just lighten up? I asked her what was wrong with being offended in taking pleasure in humor that you would never ridicule to anyone's face? Why do hurtful, "humorous" things said behind some innocent person's back suddenly become funny? Thirdly, does she really believe that because of them, she has no sense of humor? Think of some like Dr. Chassen-Lopez, who we both really admire. She would and does jump on anyone making that kind of statement, but she has a hilarious sense of humor and is fun. But then, I got really angry as I started to see how many times I'd been in this scenario.
This is a typical scenario, and it often occurs for a feminist. Friend wants to make a comment that is acceptable to most everyone else. Friend makes comment to the offense of his or her feminist friend. Because of feminist friend's reaction, this friend's response is one bafflement. Friend ridicules feminist friend. This is not to say that feminist friend knows everything or that non-feminist friend doesn't have something to say or critique rationally. Goodness knows I have a lot to learn and want to learn from friends of differing opinions. But I am sick of being bullied into accepting blatant disrespectful comments to myself or another supposed friend who holds beliefs different from most everyone else that person knows. This is specifically addressing the instances where Ridicule is employed. It's immature and ridiculous and shows no true respect for that person's beliefs. If this friend has already been confronted with that difference in opinion between the two friends, and still purports to respectfully disagree, he or she will be conscious about bringing up offensive issues in a non-discursive context. Even if a friend accidentally brings up a subject or lets a comment slip, he or she will not let the issue degenerate to the point where he or she is ridiculing that feminist friend when she reacts with disdain to that comment.
This is so elementary and common sense, but it is surprising how often it is violated. Like I said, people use the tactic of Ridicule to avoid adult conversations.
That guy in the kitchen at my friend's work, like my own family and some friends, did not confront the issue of whether maybe it was problematic to find so much humor in this joke. Instead of thinking about it for himself or thinking about whether it was actually a sane reaction that my friend had about the joke, he insecurely took a very unscientific poll. "Gosh, this girl finds this joke offensive; I think it's funny don't you?" He did this in lieu of confronting her with why she finds it offensive with the exception of his unproductive, disrespectful ridiculing, "What's wrong with you? Why are you so weird and creepy and have no sense of humor?"
I was really angry because this guy was taking his own immaturity and insecurity in confronting the issues as a mature individual around the joke - whether or not there are any issues from one human being to another human being, in a personal way. I was angry because this happens to me all the time - and in order to be socially acceptable, your response has to be something along the lines of an apologetic giggling - yea, that's what I think, I'm so silly. This is because the use of Ridicule is a big warning sign that your ideas are obviously so radically from the norm, that the person is seriously bothered by you. Fuck him and all those folks who take out their own immaturity on her and me by using the social acceptable, social conformist tactic of ridicule in lieu of mature communication. I guess other forms of it would be too tedious and dull, and worse, uncool and aggravating, since they would take effort and shit?
As a Post Script warning: Anyone thinking this is a chance to convert my friend or concerned about her atheist soul, just know: She is the same friend that told me a story, clearly disturbed, about her visit to the Six Flags Over Jesus church in Louisville (by that, we mean, it's huge), how the preacher one time said, "So does God want us to cut down trees? Well, Jesus was a carpenter. Does God want us to eat meat?" And then something about Jesus and meat. I guess he doesn't know the different between moderation and the blight of consumerism - and didn't God give us brains to use them? Did God tell us to cut down all the trees - hell, why make them or an amazingly balanced ecological system for that matter - so that humans would have more things to kill and make extinct? Did Jesus eat cows injected with freaky hormones that eat carnivorous diets - chopped up dead cow bones in their cheap meal? Does God want us to have an entertainment set in the den and fine china in the cupboard? Were those some of Jesus's interests? Where is the limit to this elementary logic? Man, did God want us to go to churches that distort reality - as if ecological issues and campaigns about forest removal are about some black and white absolute - to cut down trees at all or to not cut down trees for human use? Again, did God give us brains to use them? Yea, so if you are thinking, she is ripe for some Truth-gettin', that is so not the case.