GENIUS
Her Majesty Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands and of the Great Duchy of Luxembourg, hereby announces that the world is now under her One Holy Reigniness, in this royal bull henceforth known as the "Unam Sanctam Reginam". Her Majesty's Dutch efficiency and rationality however require her to patiently do so piece by piece, and therefore she will modestly start with Great Britain and the United States of America. Both nations will lose sovereignty from October 1st 2007, which will give the Queens future beloved servants time to get whatever holiday they'll miss most out of their system.
1. So say goodbye to your holidays. They will be replaced. August will have five days appointed to be the antepenantepenultimate, the penantepenultimate, the antepenultimate, the penultimate and the ultimate Fourth of July respectively, but in return you Americans may never mention it again. And for Britain: we'll let the whole Guy Fawkes thing slide, all right? We don't know what on earth that one is all about, even though we saw the film with the guy with the mask on.
Christmas will be canceled. I'm sorry, we're left winged liberal atheist bastards, so suck it up. Santa Claus is an overweight alcoholic created by Coca Cola; you will from now on celebrate Sinterklaas, a holiday in which gifts are not abundant, but poetry and humour is. There is just no humor in the Baby Jesus, is there?
2. We will speak English all the time for you, as a hollow gesture to show our love for you, but especially to feed our superiority complex. But, as you may have noticed, we will gingerly swap between English and American. We will overpronounce our "s", make mistakes all the time, and still feel intellectually superior and all languagy. On sunny days we will say "Aluminum" and on rainy days "Aluminium". Because we don't care, and neither will you, once rule 7 becomes in effect.
3. We, the Queen, were hot when we were younger. Just so you know it.
4. You will employ all that awesome nuclear power in order to get Germany to give the Dutch their bicycles back.
5. Nobody is allowed to use the word "too" anymore. Everybody will say "also" every other sentence. The words "dude", "mate", "buddy" and "bro" will be prohibited also.
6. Beers will be served chilled (not lukewarm or half-frozen) and there must be a head of foam on them two digits thick. They will be served in civilized amounts, so you can at least pretend not to be alcoholics. And you can go visit whores, they will be legal. Stag parties, however, will be punished with jail for life.
7. Marijuhana will be legalised. Yes, We, the Queen of the Netherlands, knew you were all waiting for that one.
8. A month after rule 7 is in effect, we expect you all to be in such a state that you shan't notice rules 8, 9 and 10. Rule 8 is that you will pay 60% of taxes and give up organised religion.
9. Your women will start wearing less make up. I mean, really, come on.
10. Gays will not only get the full wedding and adoption rights, they will also have a Gay Pride Festival on the Thames, the Clyde and the Mississippi. Naked. And straight women are required to come and cheer at all the man goodies. And all the men are required to sulk a bit and prod at their own bellies also.
11. New York will be New Amsterdam again, Istanbul will be Constantinople, Tucson will be pronounced "Tuck-Son" and Worcester as "Were-chester".
12. Dutch raves will be held every other weekend to celebrate freedom, the queen, and football .
13. You will treat "van" and "de" and "van der" like they ought to be treated: they're prepositions. So no capital letters, and they're skipped in phone book listings, because looking up a Mr. van der Bilt under the V in an English and American phonebook is like trying to look up the direction "At the corner of Main and Capital Street" under the letter A.
14. You will learn to love universal education and health care and efficient trains.
We expect no resistance, since we are the pinnacle of reason and hedonism. We really don't understand why all other nations are so emotional and religious. Oh yes, and did we mention we are not nationalistic at all?
1. So say goodbye to your holidays. They will be replaced. August will have five days appointed to be the antepenantepenultimate, the penantepenultimate, the antepenultimate, the penultimate and the ultimate Fourth of July respectively, but in return you Americans may never mention it again. And for Britain: we'll let the whole Guy Fawkes thing slide, all right? We don't know what on earth that one is all about, even though we saw the film with the guy with the mask on.
Christmas will be canceled. I'm sorry, we're left winged liberal atheist bastards, so suck it up. Santa Claus is an overweight alcoholic created by Coca Cola; you will from now on celebrate Sinterklaas, a holiday in which gifts are not abundant, but poetry and humour is. There is just no humor in the Baby Jesus, is there?
2. We will speak English all the time for you, as a hollow gesture to show our love for you, but especially to feed our superiority complex. But, as you may have noticed, we will gingerly swap between English and American. We will overpronounce our "s", make mistakes all the time, and still feel intellectually superior and all languagy. On sunny days we will say "Aluminum" and on rainy days "Aluminium". Because we don't care, and neither will you, once rule 7 becomes in effect.
3. We, the Queen, were hot when we were younger. Just so you know it.
4. You will employ all that awesome nuclear power in order to get Germany to give the Dutch their bicycles back.
5. Nobody is allowed to use the word "too" anymore. Everybody will say "also" every other sentence. The words "dude", "mate", "buddy" and "bro" will be prohibited also.
6. Beers will be served chilled (not lukewarm or half-frozen) and there must be a head of foam on them two digits thick. They will be served in civilized amounts, so you can at least pretend not to be alcoholics. And you can go visit whores, they will be legal. Stag parties, however, will be punished with jail for life.
7. Marijuhana will be legalised. Yes, We, the Queen of the Netherlands, knew you were all waiting for that one.
8. A month after rule 7 is in effect, we expect you all to be in such a state that you shan't notice rules 8, 9 and 10. Rule 8 is that you will pay 60% of taxes and give up organised religion.
9. Your women will start wearing less make up. I mean, really, come on.
10. Gays will not only get the full wedding and adoption rights, they will also have a Gay Pride Festival on the Thames, the Clyde and the Mississippi. Naked. And straight women are required to come and cheer at all the man goodies. And all the men are required to sulk a bit and prod at their own bellies also.
11. New York will be New Amsterdam again, Istanbul will be Constantinople, Tucson will be pronounced "Tuck-Son" and Worcester as "Were-chester".
12. Dutch raves will be held every other weekend to celebrate freedom, the queen, and football .
13. You will treat "van" and "de" and "van der" like they ought to be treated: they're prepositions. So no capital letters, and they're skipped in phone book listings, because looking up a Mr. van der Bilt under the V in an English and American phonebook is like trying to look up the direction "At the corner of Main and Capital Street" under the letter A.
14. You will learn to love universal education and health care and efficient trains.
We expect no resistance, since we are the pinnacle of reason and hedonism. We really don't understand why all other nations are so emotional and religious. Oh yes, and did we mention we are not nationalistic at all?