holidays
it's just dawned on me today why i dislike holidays. growing up, my family [mom, dad, my brothers and i] would all have a big dinner at the table [the only time this happened that i recall] and open presents and the whole house would be filled with fun [for us kids at least.] easter, we would even have egg hunts.
but, since my dad left us, holidays [at my mom's house] haven't been nearly as jolly. money would keep us from having those big dinners and sometimes not having any presents. i think it's been about 3 years since i've gotten an easter basket.
now, i am FULLY aware that the holiday's aren't about the presents. i'd be okay if i didn't get anything, as long as my family recognizes the fact that it was a holiday, and you know, tried to make it a fun time.
i've realized that i am really jealous of people who celebrate holidays and make a big event out of it. not because they get gifts and get to eat big meals, but because they're spending time with loved ones -- sharing and caring.
maybe it's just because i'm selfish, but it seems really hard to love my family like that. maybe it's because in all actuality, we never have been a loving family at all. infact, it seems we're not even a family at all. it's more like a bunch of people that happen to know each otehr and live under the same roof. and that kind of hurts. i really wish we were ... a family.
i don't know. it makes me feel even more that i don't fit in any where, and wishing even more that i went to rachel bruenings house for easter break.
but, since my dad left us, holidays [at my mom's house] haven't been nearly as jolly. money would keep us from having those big dinners and sometimes not having any presents. i think it's been about 3 years since i've gotten an easter basket.
now, i am FULLY aware that the holiday's aren't about the presents. i'd be okay if i didn't get anything, as long as my family recognizes the fact that it was a holiday, and you know, tried to make it a fun time.
i've realized that i am really jealous of people who celebrate holidays and make a big event out of it. not because they get gifts and get to eat big meals, but because they're spending time with loved ones -- sharing and caring.
maybe it's just because i'm selfish, but it seems really hard to love my family like that. maybe it's because in all actuality, we never have been a loving family at all. infact, it seems we're not even a family at all. it's more like a bunch of people that happen to know each otehr and live under the same roof. and that kind of hurts. i really wish we were ... a family.
i don't know. it makes me feel even more that i don't fit in any where, and wishing even more that i went to rachel bruenings house for easter break.