(no subject)
Title: History
Rating: R... hard R
Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst
Pairings: 2U, yunjae, past!horella
Warnings: language
A/N: Dedicated to Nikki from twitter even though she hates 2U
Summary: Yoochun is dating Yunho but he can't help but be suspicious about his boyfriend's relationship with their fellow bandmate, Jaejoong.
prologue chapter 1 chapter 2 chapter 3 chapter 4 chapter 5 chapter 6 chapter 7 chapter 8 chapter 9 chapter 10 chapter 11 chapter 12 chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Closing the bedroom door behind him should have been like closing a chapter in his life. The sound of the knob clicking shut should have meant peace, but it didn’t. Jaejoong’s chest felt tight, the lightness of atonement not washing over him as he wished.
He still felt the dull throb of regret and remorse; of having wrong his supposed soul mate. But even more he still felt the distinct pang of loss. Yunho wasn’t his. He was closing the door on all of that. He was letting it all go. So why could he let go?
A large lump was lodged in his dry throat as he watched the way his fingers clutched the knob; his knuckles were turning white.
When he let go did it really mean it was over? He promised he’d give Yunho up. He promised to let fate lead the two inside the room wherever it may, but that he was giving up the fight. It had been years right? So he should have no regrets, and no more what ifs. If Yunho loved him or could have loved him, it would have happened by now.
“Hyung-“
Jaejoong was startled and looked to see Changmin frowning at him, a concerned look in his large eyes.
“Did Yunho come back yet?”
“Yeah he did,” Jaejong said, finally letting his hand drop from the door knob to his side. “They’re talking.”
“Good,” Changmin said.
Jaejoong tensed as Changmin grabbed his elbow and pulled him towards the kitchen.
“They need to talk if we’re going to start working like a normal team again,” Changmin said.
Jaejoong seated himself at one of the stools in the kitchen and Changmin opened the refrigerator in order to rummage around for whatever he could find. As the maknae searched Jaejoong found himself sitting their mulling his thoughts around trying to sort out some clarity in his feeling.
“We’ll never be a normal team again,” Jaejoong said finally as Changmin came to sit beside him with a plate of left overs.
“What?”
“Whether Yoochun chooses to forgive Yunho or not... it’s changed. Our team isn’t what it was before.”
“And what was it before?”
There was silence and Changmin and sighed, “Hyung. If talking won’t solve anything why even bother?”
“I didn’t say it wasn’t going to solve anything. I just said that things are going to change. It’s inevitable that things change. You don’t understand.”
“Try me.”
“I don’t want you to see me any different than you already do.”
Changmin’s voice was soft as he answered, “Didn’t you say it was inevitable?”
“It is but…”
“Then tell me,” his voice had lowered further into a whisper and Jaejoong closed his eyes as he took in a breath of air to calm him before he start.
“I’m the one Yunho cheated on Yoochun with.”
Jaejoong opened his eyes and chanced a glance at Changmin’s face, looking to find judgment and only seeing a blank expression, the youngers jaw clenched and set tight indicating he would say no words.
“I had to talk to Yoochun today. I had to tell him everything whether he gets back with Yunho or not. I love Yunho. You know that. I’ve loved him a long time but yesterday you were right when you said that I love Yoochun too and that he would never do that to me. Yoochun has a kind heart and I know that he will be kinder to me than I ever should deserve. I bet he will still call me his soulmate and still laugh and joke with me. But that doesn’t mean it’s the same even if it looks the same.”
Jaejoong knew that if Yoochun got back with Yunho there would always be a subconscious dialogue that will run through his mind, ‘Does he still love, Yunho?’ ‘Did he really give up this time?’ But if the couple failed to patch up it’d be much the same. Words couldn’t erase the way Jaejoong betrayed him. The same went for Yunho’s crimes and even Jaejoong would have reason to begrudge them as well for his lost chances.
“Was it worth it?” Changmin finally asked.
Jaejoong chuckled sadly and shook his head, “I honestly can’t answer that. If I didn’t chase him I think I’d still have regrets of a different sort.”
“Like what?”
Jaejoong didn’t how to voice it. Right now his regret was what? Losing Yunho and hurting his friend? But if he hadn’t tried there would be an array of would-haves and should-haves plaguing his mind. He knew there would be. But saying so out loud felt shameful and he could feel the judgment he earlier predicted beginning to shine within the brown of Changmin’s eyes.
“Love is crazy,” Jaejoong settled with saying.
But predictably the maknae was unsatisfied.
“It doesn’t have to be,” he protested.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jaejoong said. “You have no experience. You’re young-and don’t say you’re not. Because before entering this industry you had no experience and you still have none. You don’t know what it’s like.”
“How can you say I don’t know what it’s like? Are you a mind reader?”
“Min-“
“Obviously not because you sit here and rattle on about how you feel without thinking about how anyone else may feel. Or maybe you did, I don’t know. Maybe you thought about Yoochun since he’s your soulmate and Yunho because you loved him but me? No not ever me. You never saw me.”
“Changmin that’s not true!”
“Then how could you never know even until now. Hyung… I-“ Changmin reached his hand forward and rested it atop Jaejoong’s hand which lay on the countertop.
A few seconds passed as Jaejoong processed the position of the hand, the slightly clammy damp feeling of it pressing against him and the slight shake of a naïve nervous boy about to confess his love.
Jaejoong shot up from his seat, almost toppling the stool as he did so.
“Changmin stop! I… I don’t want to hear it.”
“But hyung it’s how I feel. You know, right? What I wanted to say for a long time now?”
Jaejoong looked at Changmin’s face and saw a plea in those innocent deer eyes that twisted his heart.
“I knew you were in love with Yunho hyung but I always wanted to be there for you. Isn’t now the time you really need me?”
“You don’t know what you’re saying. I don’t deserve this. You’re innocent. I don’t deserve this from you.”
“And Yunho does?” Changmin asked.
“He and Yoochun love each other. It’s their choice… but with you- We… I--”
“I get it,” Changmin said, standing up. Without another word more he left the room, for the first time leaving a plate of food behind.
Jaejoong sighed and slipped back onto the stool, laying his head on the cool countertop. He was exhausted and confused. He wasn’t sure where that confession was coming from but he could only be glad it was easily turned down. Changmin had probably worried himself so much for his sake and for what reward? But Jaejoong couldn’t burden Changmin with his problems. It was better this way especially since he had no feelings for the younger. But it pained Jaejoong to know this added layer, as thin as it may be, was added to the pile of mess he had to manage.
The relationship between himself, Yoochun and Yunho had been altered. Begrudgingly Changmin was now added to the list as well.
-----
When the door shut behind Jaejoong Yoochun was nervous, despite his decision already having been made. He knew the best thing for him and for his own peace of mind. He knew if he didn’t do it, despite his heart yearning for the contrary, there’d be too many questions and doubts.
It was especially nerve wracking considering what history had already taught him. The very thing he wanted was the reason he was able to get with Yunho in the first place: time.
Time to heal the wound. Time to rebuild the trust. Time to just figure out what it was they both really even wanted. They risked a lot by being together: not only their careers but also that of their band mates. Was this all worth everything they risked.
For a long time Yoochun told himself that it was, because he loved Yunho. He loved him with every fiber of his being. But as he was finding out so late in the game love alone was not nearly enough.
“Micky,” Yunho began. “That was…”
“I’m still really mad at you,” Yoochun cut him off.
He really knew not what to say other than that. He decided to sit on the edge of his bed and he watched as Yunho hung awkwardly by the door as if unsure if he was allowed to venture further into his own room or not.
“Don’t you have anything to say to me?” Yoochun asked, prompting something, anything.
Yunho looked just as nervous and it was kind of cute but out of place at the moment.
“I didn’t think you’d want to hear anything else I had to say,” Yunho said.
Despite being in the predicament he was Yunho was a man of pride and his gaze never wavered from Yoochun’s.
“Why would you think that?” inquired the younger of the two.
“Because I lied… I lied countless times.”
And there it was: the crux of the matter. Yunho had lied so much that even if he vowed to never lie again the vow itself would hold no weight at all. He was a liar and would remain so until he could earn the trust back.
“Just now…,” began Yoochun. “You told him that you love me.”
Yunho took a tentative step forward before opting to just stay where he was. He didn’t want to push any boundaries.
“I love you Yunho and so despite what my mind says my heart wants to believe you. How am I supposed to know you won’t cheat again? You’ve said it before you’ve said it a million times but there will always be room for doubt.”
“So what are you saying?” Yunho asked.
“I’m saying that we should,” Yoochun paused, holding his breath a few seconds before letting out the words he felt forced to say. “We should break up.”
Yoochun let his head fall, his hands clenched as he tried to keep his face and heart calm despite it all.
“I understand.”
Yoochun looked up as Yunho spoke, surprised.
“I don’t mean it as to say I’m happy that you want to break up but that I understand why you’d want to,” Yunho finally stepped closer and sat beside Yoochun on the bed.
“Well, you know what I want to do. What do you want to do?” Yoochun asked.
“I want to be with you. I want another chance to make it right.”
“It’s not going to happen. Even if I did say I believe you and everything that happened just now with Jaejoong it’s not going to happen. I’m still angry. I’m still really hurt. That isn’t going to be fixed by tears or smiles or hugs or kisses or by getting back together. I’m really hurt-“
“I get that.”
“Do you? How many times did it have to happen for you to get it? Three times? Who else is there? Is it really even just us? For all I know you could be hiding more.”
“But I’m not…”
“But how can I believe you? That’s the point!”
“I’m sorry.”
“Your words are so hollow right now,” Yoochun sighed and turned away. “I don’t even know why I let Jaejoong talk me into talking to you. It’s pointless.”
But Yunho and Yoochun both knew it was because Yoochun loved him. It was in his nature to hope even when it was as hopeless as it was then.
“Micky, what do I have to DO not say, but DO to make you stay.”
Yoochun felt the press of Yunho’s hands on his shoulders and he shrugged him away, standing up from the bed as he did so.
“There is nothing you can say and nothing you can do to take back all of my, Heechul and Jaejoong’s time. I don’t even know why I’m saying this to you because I know you’ve heard it from them but there is no way I can trust you now and a line has been breached.”
“Yeah I’ve heard it then. You’re right but to me you’re worth fighting for.”
“And their hearts meant nothing to you? Why am I the one worth the pretty words and not them? Don’t you see now? It’s impossible.”
“Don’t say that. It’s not truly impossible. I said I understand if you don’t want to get back together right now. But it doesn’t change my feelings towards you nor does it change your feelings towards me. You’re hurt. I lied. You have every right to be angry with me. But I won’t just sit here and let you give up on us like that.”
“So then what do you plan to do?”
“You’re breaking up with me but I’m not ready to let you go.”
Yoochun just shook his head and Yunho continued to speak, “Yoochun I know you love me and I do I know and I understand everything you said but isn’t there anything we can do?”
“You should have thought of that so long ago.”
“I could end up falling for someone else, you know.”
And Yoochun hesitated, feeling a bit like that little reminder was a threat. He met Yunho’s eyes and saw that there was no malice in them, that possibly Yunho didn’t mean it the way it sounded.
It hurt.
“I’ll take my chances.”
----
It was late when Yoochun crept into Junsu’s room and tiptoed to his friend’s bed. He gently lowered himself onto it, slipping beneath the blanket so as not to disturb Junsu who he assumed had been long asleep.
As he lay there in the darkness waiting for much needed sleep to was over him his mind still swirled with the events that had transpired. His relationship with Yunho had seemed so ideal but he was so naïve and speaking to Yunho he knew the other was as well.
Yunho was wrong. There was no changing that. But, there was no outright malice in what Yunho had did to them. Yoochun saw it now. At first when he was mad he thought that Yunho had no regards for their feelings, which was true on some level he didn’t, but Yoochun also realized that Yunho was naïve and still seemed to be.
Yoochun was wrong. It was a learning experience for Yoochun. He had loved so deeply and so blindly he forgot to keep his mind open. He forgot to take into account other building blocks in a relationship; solid communication, commitment, trust. He thought that love would make the rest a given.
So there he was, eyes drifting into slumber and heart hanging loosely in limbo within hs chest, and there he would wait and hope that things would turn out better for them than history’s past tests had dictated to them.
-the end-
AN - OMG hkfjkdfjldsf! it was awful i know i know! i know! come at me with pitchforks i don't care! i deserve it. this was so hard and :(((((((((((( I did no justice to the characters. I feel like I lost their voices long ago. I'm tired. I'll crosspost this later. I need to detox (lol yunjae detox) my brain.
there is still an epilogue to come btw