i bleed ( a story of back to school, atomic bombs, and stream of consciousness)
I live alone in a tiny room facing a courtyard that only magically appears if you want to see it. The trees are thick and beautiful and for some strange reason, a beach volleyball pit has been carved into the area around it. From my window, I like to peer out and watch people play volleyball because everytime i've watched, someone has dramatically been clocked in the face. Sports injuries are so entertaining. I read books where everything seems to relate to ancient greece (except for thank god, my modern british literature which is more about veiled gay references than anything else) and I sit in classes and listen to teachers.
The teachers are usually boring and today, i spent a whole hour and a half listening to a balding man drone on and on about the flooding patterns of the Nile. The Nile flows from the south to the north and to the early egyptians, south was north and north was south. It sounds really nice to think of the whole world being upside down to you and only you and your friends. I listned to another man rant about the greek dictionary and scare people because he's like an evil wizard. An evil wizard who makes you learn greek and makes you feel scared if you don't know the answer. And then, there's good Old Hanging with Mr. Cooper aka My Mythology Professor who was too busy telling us who begat who to be interesting today. But maybe on Wednesday, he's going to find a gorgon and kill it in front of us. That would be cool. And more interesting than the fucking nile for an hour and a half.
I'm happy to be back at school; for the first time in three years, i acutally know who my neighbors are and they're really nice. And awkward, just like me. We have a lot of awkward moments where we smile at each other and make conversation and some day i think we might be friends without the awkwardness. And Zach is my next door neighbor, so it's nice to be annoying and pound on his wall when his music is too loud.
This weekend is special, because it means that Zach & I have been together for two whole years. We're going to go eat a fancy pants dinner that we can't really afford, but we're going to enjoy it, and go dancing at the bang!, and split a bottle of italian wine and talk about how cool we are together. I will give him a present that will probably be much cheaper than the one he gives me, but he will appreciate it and talk about how i'm a good gift giver. I think i'm a good gift giver myself and he only makes my gift-giving ego get better.
today i learned that the irs may or may not be after me for tax evasion. I thought about lichtenstein and how much i like his art and i considered the poetry project i'm working on this semester. I recently watched a short documentary on the true devastation of hiroshima and nagasaki and it was horrifying. in the u.s.a. we get this sanitized version of what happened. We hear, "it saved a million us lives". but we never see how horrible it was. did you know that when an atomic bomb falls, it leaves shadows. So, you can go to those cities today and you can see the shadows of people and flowers who were obliterated by the atomic bomb. The shadows in the video footage were eerily beautiful and I wish (despite the fact that they were so upsetting too) that you could all see them. The video really upset me because it showed what the united states truly did to those japanese people. And, it wasn't even justified, it's not like those were naval bases, those were just women & children. (And in a historical sidenote, the russians were amassing to prepare a massive siege of japan. It's highly doubtful japan would've been able to strike back against them , let alone kill one million americans) Anyway, now I'm writing poetry about the atomic bombs and the people who died and the people poisoned and i'm writing prayers to the shadow people who are still there and i'm writing to the silence that happens inside of an atomic bomb. I'm not scared of atomic bombs, but I sure am guilty about them.
why do things make me feel so guilty to be american?
actually, i know why. but you know what makes guilt disappear really fast?
eating cinnamon ice cream.
The teachers are usually boring and today, i spent a whole hour and a half listening to a balding man drone on and on about the flooding patterns of the Nile. The Nile flows from the south to the north and to the early egyptians, south was north and north was south. It sounds really nice to think of the whole world being upside down to you and only you and your friends. I listned to another man rant about the greek dictionary and scare people because he's like an evil wizard. An evil wizard who makes you learn greek and makes you feel scared if you don't know the answer. And then, there's good Old Hanging with Mr. Cooper aka My Mythology Professor who was too busy telling us who begat who to be interesting today. But maybe on Wednesday, he's going to find a gorgon and kill it in front of us. That would be cool. And more interesting than the fucking nile for an hour and a half.
I'm happy to be back at school; for the first time in three years, i acutally know who my neighbors are and they're really nice. And awkward, just like me. We have a lot of awkward moments where we smile at each other and make conversation and some day i think we might be friends without the awkwardness. And Zach is my next door neighbor, so it's nice to be annoying and pound on his wall when his music is too loud.
This weekend is special, because it means that Zach & I have been together for two whole years. We're going to go eat a fancy pants dinner that we can't really afford, but we're going to enjoy it, and go dancing at the bang!, and split a bottle of italian wine and talk about how cool we are together. I will give him a present that will probably be much cheaper than the one he gives me, but he will appreciate it and talk about how i'm a good gift giver. I think i'm a good gift giver myself and he only makes my gift-giving ego get better.
today i learned that the irs may or may not be after me for tax evasion. I thought about lichtenstein and how much i like his art and i considered the poetry project i'm working on this semester. I recently watched a short documentary on the true devastation of hiroshima and nagasaki and it was horrifying. in the u.s.a. we get this sanitized version of what happened. We hear, "it saved a million us lives". but we never see how horrible it was. did you know that when an atomic bomb falls, it leaves shadows. So, you can go to those cities today and you can see the shadows of people and flowers who were obliterated by the atomic bomb. The shadows in the video footage were eerily beautiful and I wish (despite the fact that they were so upsetting too) that you could all see them. The video really upset me because it showed what the united states truly did to those japanese people. And, it wasn't even justified, it's not like those were naval bases, those were just women & children. (And in a historical sidenote, the russians were amassing to prepare a massive siege of japan. It's highly doubtful japan would've been able to strike back against them , let alone kill one million americans) Anyway, now I'm writing poetry about the atomic bombs and the people who died and the people poisoned and i'm writing prayers to the shadow people who are still there and i'm writing to the silence that happens inside of an atomic bomb. I'm not scared of atomic bombs, but I sure am guilty about them.
why do things make me feel so guilty to be american?
actually, i know why. but you know what makes guilt disappear really fast?
eating cinnamon ice cream.