今日も未来も smile again
A week since the suspension of activities announcement.
I've been telling myself to write as so I wouldn't forget how I felt on January 27th 2019, but honestly, I don't think I would. Reading the words I never thought I would ever read even once in my life, reading the words I knew would have come and yet didn't ease the hurt when it actually did. It was just another normal Sunday--caught up with that week's VSA, doing my social studies take home test since I had a stack of school work to do that day. A notification popped up after a few hours staying off my phone, a message from a friend.
I opened twitter, and it was a state of chaos, panic, and when I saw the words, I don't think I've ever known heartbreak until this.
Arashi to suspend all activities after December 31st 2020.
It felt like the world crumbled around me, and everything felt like a blur afterwards. I reached out to some friends, and ended up not being able to reply to any of their concerned replies. The members' voices from the FC message ringing in my head, Jun biting his lips, Aiba choking out his words. It was hard to believe that it was real. I spent hours sitting in a daze, my papers wet in front of me, but at that moment, I didn't have it in me to think about having to rewrite the whole thing later. My first thought was a big question with a big question mark. Why? Why you, of all people, have to leave me too?
A quote i have held onto for awhile came hurdling back to me; all that you love will be carried away, a quote from Stephen King. And maybe it had been selfish of me to think the universe would at least let me have Arashi with me, would at least let me have something to keep me on the ground, to keep me stable to go on each and every days of my life. It had been foolish of me to think that they'd be there forever, because this day would surely come one day, I think I knew that at the corner of my heart.
But it didn't mean I was able to accept it once the day actualy came.
2 hours of sitting and trying to distract myself by doing more and more work, because whenever I stopped and went idle, the tears came back, but eventually it got tiring, and I remember laying there on the floor, reflecting on the news. Wishing it was just another one of my bad dreams--except it wasn't. It's as real as it gets, but then my mind trailed back to Ohno's wish. That maybe, maybe it's our turn to let them chase for their happiness now, because it wouldn't do to selfishly keep something to ourselves when they aren't even happy to be there.
My mind trailed to 君への思い, to the lyrics, " You always prayed for my dreams to come true, so now, I only want to quietly pray for your happiness by your side." i've always held those lyrics close to me, telling myself over and over that their happiness is priority, because they've done so much, they've done so much for me. I want to eventually be able to look back, and get to this part of the song; "Now I think I can understand the reasons for the words you said with a smile."
The rest of the week was a roller coaster ride. The press conference, where they had easily lighten up the mood by cracking jokes despite the heavy atmosphere of the announcement. Where they reassured millions of people all around the world, with their easy smile and laugh, the same Arashi I've always known. Remaining the rainbow amidst all the storm, despite what their name holds. Sho's reassuring words in ZERO, Jun's Enjoy! that made me cry buckets and buckets because Arashi understand.
These 2 years they're giving to us, it's a gift that they didn't have to give, but they did anyway. It's something I have decided to cherish forever because the consideration that wrapped this decision and announcement was so warm it's almost overwhelming. Jun said, the stronger the feelings, the longer time it will take, and it was the first comforting statement of the week since the announcement drops. They're giving us time because they know it would be hard. They're not forcing us to smile through it, but they said they'd be happy if we could understand their decision one day.
On Wednesday, I found myself sitting in front of more exam papers, tears still falling down my face, and making a promise.
That I'll follow these guys until the end of the road, that I'll make the most of these two years to make fun memories with the 5 of them. That I'll cherish everything more than I have, because i owe these guys this much. I owe these 5 men this much.
Friday came rolling in and Music Station happened, and everything that happened that night just strengthened my decision that yes, I'm staying here with these 5 men until the end of the road. 5 days since the announcement happened, and Arashi was truly out there, singing 君のうた beautifully, which lyrics has never hit as hard as it did that night.
Let's walk forward and paint tomorrow together
Your warm has taught me the meaning of strength
Someday, when we meet again on that rainbow bridge, let's look over that same dream
And my promise to them;
Should a starless night ever come, let's vow to keep the light in our hearts shining
No matter what, I'll protect your smile to the end.
Their message was loud and clear; let's hold hands until the end of the road. And even though our days are numbered now, even though now this happiness called Arashi has an expiration date, we're still going to keep holding on tightly, and smiling and smiling until the end of the line. Which then they conveyed with 感謝カンゲキ雨嵐; smile again, I'm smiling again
The sight of Arashi squished up together, holding each other's closer than anyone else, with confettis falling over them and smiles as bright as the sun on their faces, reminded me that they've really been the strongest of us all in the past week. Arashi loves Arashi the most, they're the ones who are probably having the hardest time with all this, and yet, here they are, smiling, laughing, expressing gratitude to all of us when it's also the other way around. Here they are, the strongest men I've ever known. Here they are, transferring loads and loads of strengths to me, to all of us. They have been the most considerate, with the kindest hearts. They're so kind to us, to fans, to the staffs; but on top of everything, they're so kind to each other.
And that's one thing I'm sure I wouldn't have found in anyone else. The equation 5 - 1 = 0, it was something precious they taught me, and one I'm going to hold close to my heart from now on, too.
To close off, today (3/2/2019), Arashi's face graced the newspaper again, a picture of their smiling faces with these words written on the page.
今日も未来も smile again
be it today or the future, smile again
And the lyrics "Smile again, i'm smiling again", is what I hope Arashi would be for the next 2 years. I hope they'll be smiling until December 31st 2020, and even after that, whatever path they decide to take after 2020, I hope they would be smiling, until the day we will be able to meet again. Until the day we will be able to see the 5 of them holding hands, showing me the smiles I treasure more than anything in the world.
Until then, I will be walking alongside them, smiling, with one extra word that will never be able to fully convey the depth of its meaning;
Smile again, thank you.