saturday
I was so pleased with how the goldfinches turned out yesterday that I thought maybe I'd paint more birds from the Peterson Field Guide bird book. Cut for lots of boring self-talk: I had the idea to do the same thing with enamels once (do bird portraits) and then I made a few into pendants. I did a cardinal for sure. And I made a couple hummingbirds too. They did sell and pretty quick. So then my mind goes to: hey, if I'm going to paint more then I should sell them. 5 by 7 size, easy to mail and easy for the person who would get it to frame themselves. Then my mind recoils! I'd have to try and paint more often and feel guilty if I didn't. People would make requests! I don't want to WORK for someone else anymore. But on the other hand - dammit, money is a good thing and we could use it. Making art is the only thing I know how to do. My dad especially wanted me to train to do something else in life. Be a nurse. Or if I wanted to work with my hands then study to become a dental mold maker and make false teeth. They make lots of money. That was funny, him trying to convince me to do that instead of go to art school. I am good with my hands and I could have learned to make dental appliances. But geez, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to make art that would make people feel something, or think something. He didn't think artists could make a living. And he was right as far as I went. I'm too lazy when it comes to driving myself. If I worked for someone else I'd be a hard worker. I was a hard worker when I worked at Polk as an aide. Especially when I worked alone. Anyway, I don't want to have to prove myself to anyone anymore. If I put them up for sale then I'd have to WANT them to sell. I'd be worrying about what would be popular and doing more of that. MONEY. Anyway I really hate that I think so much, back and forth about money, work and being an artist. Am I really an artist right now if I'm not selling it? Do I actually need to be an artist? Can't I just be a person who likes to make art. That is what I think I am. Sometimes I make art totally in my head. I see something so amazing and beautiful when I walk in nature and know that a painting or photograph would never match it. Never. The whole wonderful image is made in my vision/mind and I'm the only one who will ever see it. I want that to be enough. Though then I start to doubt myself. Shouldn't I be doing something different with my life? Something productive? Blaa!
*****
Here's a photograph that I took at 2 am last night when I finished the puzzle. I liked how the only light in the room was falling just on this table. I couldn't sleep and came out here at midnight. Poured 2 ounces of peach brandy and got a bowl of peanut trail mix to nibble on. If I had remembered to put on some quiet music it would have been even more perfect. That's presently the kind of stuff I like doing, sitting up alone in the middle of the night, crocheting, doing a puzzle, reading, writing. So here's to life as it's lived in March 2024.
*****
Here's a photograph that I took at 2 am last night when I finished the puzzle. I liked how the only light in the room was falling just on this table. I couldn't sleep and came out here at midnight. Poured 2 ounces of peach brandy and got a bowl of peanut trail mix to nibble on. If I had remembered to put on some quiet music it would have been even more perfect. That's presently the kind of stuff I like doing, sitting up alone in the middle of the night, crocheting, doing a puzzle, reading, writing. So here's to life as it's lived in March 2024.