sunday
My dreams last night were perhaps a mixture of trying to help me process yesterday and reliving episodes from Grey's Anatomy. I dreamed I and a bunch of fellow college students had to find a part for a fan up in the attic of the college. It was positioned over a professor's desk. We got the faulty part and climbed down a ladder out of the hole in the ceiling onto the desk. Then I was with my dad and a little boy. Not sure who the little boy was. We walked up the street to a car garage, got the correct part to fix the fan and then the little boy and I took a taxi back. But the taxi was more like a big open air golf cart. We were on it with a bunch of young guys who were mechanics, all dirty with grease. They were going to help me fix the fan. They all seemed like friendly nice guys who were good friends with each other. One guy had fallen asleep and his penis was exposed and the little boy was upset and wanted me to cover it but I didn't think it was my place. The other guys nudged him and he woke up and pulled his pants together. End of dream.
*****
Unless David Z improves somehow miraculously I probably won't go down to see him again. It's just a sad situation. I guess the grief can only improve with time and living through his death and then going on and adding more time to time and it will all fade into the past. Then it will seem better. Time passing is good but hoping for time to pass is not good because then you miss all the good things that might be happening. You need to pay attention. Be here now. While you are living, if you want the best life then you need to live, not waste life by hoping for time to pass. Time is a funny thing. We only have so much of it. We can certainly waste it - or looking back it looks like we wasted it. But if you aren't in the right frame of mind to live fully you really can't live fully. Downtime is essential to getting better and healing yourself. I've always believed that sleep was the great healer. Sleep, and when I wake things will be better. I will be better. I will have ideas. I will have energy again. I will know what to do with myself. But what if sleep doesn't do the trick anymore? What happens when it all runs out and can't be replenished? The windup spring has lost its tension forever?
*****
ANYway. I have some options of things to do today. It's supposed to be a cloudy and cold day but at least it will be dry. Put my hiking boots and coat on and get out there and hike somewhere with Rainy. Or maybe put another layer of paint on the frame of the mosaic. Crochet and watch more Grey's Anatomy. Get back to work on the tapestry weaving now that I have more bobbins to hold more colors of yarn. But first - eat breakfast.
*****
Unless David Z improves somehow miraculously I probably won't go down to see him again. It's just a sad situation. I guess the grief can only improve with time and living through his death and then going on and adding more time to time and it will all fade into the past. Then it will seem better. Time passing is good but hoping for time to pass is not good because then you miss all the good things that might be happening. You need to pay attention. Be here now. While you are living, if you want the best life then you need to live, not waste life by hoping for time to pass. Time is a funny thing. We only have so much of it. We can certainly waste it - or looking back it looks like we wasted it. But if you aren't in the right frame of mind to live fully you really can't live fully. Downtime is essential to getting better and healing yourself. I've always believed that sleep was the great healer. Sleep, and when I wake things will be better. I will be better. I will have ideas. I will have energy again. I will know what to do with myself. But what if sleep doesn't do the trick anymore? What happens when it all runs out and can't be replenished? The windup spring has lost its tension forever?
*****
ANYway. I have some options of things to do today. It's supposed to be a cloudy and cold day but at least it will be dry. Put my hiking boots and coat on and get out there and hike somewhere with Rainy. Or maybe put another layer of paint on the frame of the mosaic. Crochet and watch more Grey's Anatomy. Get back to work on the tapestry weaving now that I have more bobbins to hold more colors of yarn. But first - eat breakfast.