On holiday gatherings...

[egearman]

During Christmas, a buddy of mine had one of the standard married cliches happen. His family didn't get along with his wife's family. Tempers flared, voices raised and he committed the cardinal sin, in his wife's eyes at least, of yelling at his mother in law.

Now, I personally don't have to worry about this kind of thing, since a) not married, b) no girlfriend and c) my family is much more laid back (mostly). But it did get me thinking that there should be some sort of ground rules that should be followed. So I made a list. Yes, that's the way my brain works.

• Do not talk about religion. Either we are all in agreement and therefore there is nothing to talk about, or we are not in which case arguing about it isn't going to change things and probably only make things worse. No one needs to hear anyone's views on where someone is headed after death, rapture or dinner. Especially during dinner.
• Do not talk about politics. See rule 1. My personal opinions that anyone voluntarily running for public office should have their head examined or that we should just throw our congressmen in jail to save time will not be well received by all. Especially if they initially agree, because then we will argue over which ones should get prison orange first.
• Sports talk is allowed as long as the BCS is not brought up. Fans of one particular team should arrive at the holiday gathering with at least a ball cap or sweater proclaiming their team allegiance so as to not cause problems later. Nothing causes problems like someone expounding on their theory that the Yankees are a bunch of bums to try and buy the series each year (they do) to a Yankee fan during dinner.
• Asking about the arrival of grandchildren, when in fact there are no grandchildren, is limited to once a day per side of the family (not including late arrivals) and not at the dinner table. Unless you want to hear in detail the various ways, places and positions we are trying. And the noises that are made during those attempts. And see the props.
• Finances will not be brought up as either a) someone will feel the need to gloat, b) someone will not want to talk about their troubles or c) someone will be upset that they missed out on 'the next big thing' because they could convince anyone to loan them money. Likewise, we will not talk about what can be done to fix the economy or lower taxes.
• By all means, do bring up how music is too loud, children are disrespectful, change is bad and football was better before free agency. We've heard this kind of thing so much we can ignore it quite easily by now. Especially with our loud music playing.
• Do not tell the person cooking anything along the lines of “We always add a bit of [insert ingredient here]. It makes it taste much better.” Likewise do not give out instructions on how to cut, dice, mash or prepare anything unless the person who is doing the task is bleeding or otherwise hurting themselves. Unless you fancy a trip to the emergency room to get a melon baller removed (why do we even have one of these?).
• If you are an early riser and find yourself as one of the few awake, this is not the time to make a nine course breakfast or expound to the house on the joys of a brisk five mile jog at six in the morning. Not everyone is a morning person and some of are are extremely grumpy in the morning. Likewise, if we do get up, we do not tolerate you being cheery at us until at least the first or second cup of coffee. Repeat offenses will be met with Megadeath played at high volume at 5 in the morning, or half an hour before you get up, whichever is sooner.
• Smoking is done in the designated smoking areas. No exceptions.
• You will keep alcohol consumption to a reasonable level. Alcohol induced belligerence, sorrow, friendship or passing out in the living room can be held at your place, not this gathering. Unless we have a video camera and some indelible markers available.
• No expounding about your health plan, insurance, exercise, diet or recent surgery unless asked by someone and they confirm they want to hear it in detail.
• No embarrassing children stories unless you want us to tell the embarrassing parent stories. And yes, we have a few. It's the cold war all over again and unless you want mutually assured destruction, we will keep the stories to a minimum.
• Any pets brought along are the responsibility of their owners. Just because I took Sparky for a walk on the day you arrived does not mean that I am going to walk him every day. I was helping you out after your tiring drive. This may be expanded to include any nieces and nephews who can not stay still for more than two minutes. Likewise consider the size of the house and the number of people attending before showing up with a menagerie. A small dog, while getting underfoot all the time, is much more preferable than a dog larger than some of the human attendees.
• If something does not meet your expectations, you are more than welcome to correct it as long as it does not conflict with the above rules. And are willing to spend your own money. This goes from food all the way down to brand of toilet paper.