No more 'Mr. Mom:' Research shows the importance of dads
http://www.ocregister.com/articles/kids-643694-dad-dads.html?page=1
BY AMY BENTLEY / CONTRIBUTING WRITER
When Hogan Hilling’s three sons were little, he liked to play practical jokes on them to have some fun and bond with his kids. Feeding toddlers can be challenging, so Hilling would pretend he was a waiter or he’d give his baby a credit card to pay for his meal. Once, Hilling secretly took the meat out of his son’s hamburger to see if he noticed when he took a bite. Sometimes, Hilling gave his kids a fork with their bowl of cereal, instead of a spoon.
“I did that to Matt, who was about 9 at the time,” said Hilling, who lives in Orange and was a stay-at-home dad by choice for 20 years. “He looked at me and said, ‘Dad, why do you have to do this?’ I said, ‘Because I need to.’ Sometimes it’s OK to be spontaneous and funny.”
Hilling’s wife, however, never got playful at mealtime. That’s because most moms, he observed, are more focused on just getting the kid fed. His wife sometimes balked at his practical jokes, worrying the jokes would hurt their sons’ feelings, but Hilling says they never did. Now, his sons are in their early 20s, and they play practical jokes on him.
The joking at mealtime is one example of how dads parent differently than moms, says Hilling, an involved father advocate for 22 years and the author of a book released in June, “Dads Behaving Dadly.” He is quick to add, “Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
In the past, he says, society has done a disservice to children by excluding or downplaying the importance of fathers or by portraying them in the media as incompetent, bumbling idiots who can’t do anything right. When a dad watches the kids, Hilling says, he’s been called “Mr. Mom” or “the babysitter.” There are very few support groups or playgroups for dads.
Fathers bear some responsibility for all of this by backing off and letting moms take over, he acknowledges. “We have to man up and support the guy in the community.”
Fathering expert Greg Bishop agrees. He says that for years, dads “abdicated the field” and let moms act as the “gatekeepers” who determined dad’s access to their kids. Over the past 30 years, all this has changed, says Bishop, an Irvine resident, father of four and the founder of the Boot Camp For New Dads, (bootcampfornewdads.org), a nationwide program in more than 200 communities worldwide that teaches new dads skills and gives them confidence to be successful fathers by helping them bond early with their kids.
Dads, Bishop says, have made a big comeback and they’re doing great. “This is a wonderful time to be a father. We’ve got nowhere to go but up.”
Alive and well
Fatherhood is alive and well, Hilling declared in his new book about dads and their fathering experiences. He wrote it because, he said, “It’s time to give fathers a voice.”
Numerous studies on the role of fathers show that dads matter a lot. Fathers who spend quality time with their kids help instill self-control and social skills, research shows. Fathers are more involved with their children now more than ever, with studies showing that dads who live with their kids have tripled the amount of time they spend with them, compared with 20 years ago.
Even some businesses are promoting the fatherhood comeback. Dove, the skincare products company, jumped on the bandwagon this year with its new Dove Men+Care campaign.
One local and involved father with a touching story in Hilling’s book is Wing Lam, co-founder of Wahoo’s Fish Taco and a resident of Newport Beach. Lam writes how his only child, Greg, now 27, came out as gay to him when Greg was 19, following some tough teen years when Greg seemed angry and Wing Lam had trouble connecting with his son. Lam immediately offered his support and love for his son, and the two remain close. Lam’s story illustrates what the research shows: Quality time from a dad offered in a caring, nurturing environment helps lead to a positive relationship with a child, even in trying circumstances.
“Despite the turmoil during the teenage years, I wouldn’t change a thing about how Greg and I have grown as father and son,” Wing Lam said. “Fatherhood has its challenges, and you can’t avoid the inevitable teenage years. What is important is how you work through the challenges and develop a relationship built on respect, trust, honesty and courage.”
Lam has encouraged his son to strive to achieve things in life by his own hard work. “You’ve got to let them fall and pick up the pieces by themselves, or they’re never going to learn,” he said. “From the day he said (that he was gay), it’s always been like, ‘Cool, how can I help you get to the next level?’ If he needs anything, he knows he can find me.”
Lam relishes being a rock for his son, a role that is widely seen as unique to dads. “I told him, ‘I’m not going to carry you, but you can always use me as a go-to to close the deal.’”
Ethan Edwards, a divorced dad from Huntington Beach with two daughters, ages 9 and 7, also relishes his role of being the rock for his family - a “fixer” and then some. Edwards, a planner for the city of Huntington Beach, and his former wife share custody of their daughters. Being a single dad also has unique challenges for men, he says.
“As a single dad with daughters, you can’t just be the rock anymore. You have to step outside that traditional role of dad being the breadwinner and step into a more feminine, motherly role, more nurturing and in tune with their emotions,” Edwards said. “The traditional roles are being blurred, especially in divorced families.”
“The role of a dad for girls is extremely important,” Edwards added. “I’m providing a role model of friendship and later in life in terms of love partners and relationships. What I bring to the table is a lot of guidance, to keep their emotions calm. I give them permission to express themselves and not shut down, and I provide a safe space.”
Still, Edwards’ daughters know their dad is their rock; it’s part of their family culture. Last summer, he took his daughters on a vacation to the Pacific Northwest, and the trio visited the Olympic National Forest near Seattle. They each took on “forest names” for the day: Keira, 7, was Fern Baby, and Aneka, 9, was Cedar Wood. Their dad’s forest name was River Rock.
“The reason I was that name is because I’m solid like a rock and I do what’s right for the girls. Also, I’m fluid like water to adapt to their changing needs.”
Research on fathering
Dads are still less involved with direct child care than moms, but in two-parent homes in which the mother works full-time and earns a similar salary to the dad’s, the dad does about 75 percent as much of the work at home as the mother does, according to fathering expert Jay Fagan, a professor of social work at Temple University in Philadelphia and the founding editor of Fathering, a professional research journal that publishes research on fathers and fatherhood issues.
Fagan is leading the Fatherhood Research and Practice Network, a new five-year national project funded through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to evaluate fatherhood programs nationally. The network began in October 2013.
“Nowadays, fathers are often doing many of the same things mothers are, and to a large extent, there isn’t much difference,” Fagan said.
Data from the United States Census Bureau has tracked how dads are becoming more involved in their kids’ lives today, with the recent recession and an increase in the number of working moms both playing roles in the change.
The Census Bureau reported in 2011 that one-third of fathers with working wives regularly care for their kids. Among fathers with a wife in the workforce, 32 percent were a regular source of care for their children under age 15, up from 26 percent in 2002, the U.S. Census Bureau reported in a news release. “As married women have increasingly moved into the labor force, fathers have become more available for childcare while their wives are working,” the Census Bureau reported.
Dads play an important role in parenting. Newer research shows the many positive effects of fathers, Fagan says. For example, fathers like to engage in more play with their kids than moms do. “Play is important for language and cognitive development. It’s important for children who are developing social competence and learning how to interact with adults and peers. It can contribute to self-regulation of emotions and behavior.”
In addition, “What the research shows is that the quality of fathers’ involvement with children is more important than the quantity of involvement. There has to be some level of involvement to begin with,” Fagan says, adding that current studies on a dad’s impact on his kids take into account the influences of both parents.
Fagan says dads offer children a sense of emotional security.
“There have been quite a few studies showing that with fathers who are sensitive to their young children’s emotional states and needs, there is a better sense of a more secure attachment bond with their parents.”
Absent dads
A father doesn’t have to live with his child to be a positive influence. Studies of children with divorced parents show that the kids want their dads and say they wished they’d been able to spend more time with them, Fagan says.
And multiple studies over the past 15 years have demonstrated that the quality of a dad’s involvement is more important than the amount of contact he has with his kids or the amount of child support he pays. If a dad provides a nurturing, positive climate, engages his kids in positive activities and helps with their schooling - whether he lives with his kids or not - “Those kids are having better outcomes,” Fagan said.
Other fathering groups have raised alarms over the number of fatherless homes in America. The nonprofit National Fatherhood Initiative, based in Maryland, considers it a crisis that, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million children in the U.S. - one out of three - lives without their biological dad in the home.
The group pointed to a variety of problems faced by kids raised in father-absent homes:
• Kids are almost four times more likely to be poor - U.S. Census Bureau
• Children of single mothers show higher levels of aggressive behavior than those born to married mothers - Journal of Marriage and Family
• Infant mortality rates are nearly two times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers - National Center for Health Statistics
• These kids are more likely to go to prison - U.S. Department of Justice
• Teens without fathers are twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent - Child Development Journal
• Youths are more at risk of first substance use without a highly involved father - Social Science Research
• Obese children are more likely to live in father-absent homes than are non-obese children - National Longitudinal Survey of Youth
• Students living in father-absent homes are twice as likely to repeat a grade in school, and father involvement in schools is associated with a higher likelihood of the children getting mostly A’s - U.S. Department of Education.
As bad as this sounds, Fagan notes that many dads who don’t live with their kids do remain active and involved with them. About 25 percent of biological kids who don’t live with their father have no contact with their dad at all, he says, and the number of nonresidential fathers with no contact has decreased.
Like Hilling, Bishop would like to see fathers support each other more, like they do in the Boot Camp for New Dads program.
“The unique thing we do with our boot camp is get together and say, ‘What have we learned, guys, what do we pass on to our next crew?’ Guys are pretty isolated. They don’t connect with each other outside of the camp. There is no website where guys can connect and ask each other questions.
“The number of dad blogger sites is tiny, compared to moms’ sites. It’s hard to articulate why it is, and it’s partly due to being trashed for decades. All of this is changing. We are seeing more young dads come in and being more informed and starting to talk. That’s a nut that men need to crack as fathers.”
BY AMY BENTLEY / CONTRIBUTING WRITER
When Hogan Hilling’s three sons were little, he liked to play practical jokes on them to have some fun and bond with his kids. Feeding toddlers can be challenging, so Hilling would pretend he was a waiter or he’d give his baby a credit card to pay for his meal. Once, Hilling secretly took the meat out of his son’s hamburger to see if he noticed when he took a bite. Sometimes, Hilling gave his kids a fork with their bowl of cereal, instead of a spoon.
“I did that to Matt, who was about 9 at the time,” said Hilling, who lives in Orange and was a stay-at-home dad by choice for 20 years. “He looked at me and said, ‘Dad, why do you have to do this?’ I said, ‘Because I need to.’ Sometimes it’s OK to be spontaneous and funny.”
Hilling’s wife, however, never got playful at mealtime. That’s because most moms, he observed, are more focused on just getting the kid fed. His wife sometimes balked at his practical jokes, worrying the jokes would hurt their sons’ feelings, but Hilling says they never did. Now, his sons are in their early 20s, and they play practical jokes on him.
The joking at mealtime is one example of how dads parent differently than moms, says Hilling, an involved father advocate for 22 years and the author of a book released in June, “Dads Behaving Dadly.” He is quick to add, “Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”
In the past, he says, society has done a disservice to children by excluding or downplaying the importance of fathers or by portraying them in the media as incompetent, bumbling idiots who can’t do anything right. When a dad watches the kids, Hilling says, he’s been called “Mr. Mom” or “the babysitter.” There are very few support groups or playgroups for dads.
Fathers bear some responsibility for all of this by backing off and letting moms take over, he acknowledges. “We have to man up and support the guy in the community.”
Fathering expert Greg Bishop agrees. He says that for years, dads “abdicated the field” and let moms act as the “gatekeepers” who determined dad’s access to their kids. Over the past 30 years, all this has changed, says Bishop, an Irvine resident, father of four and the founder of the Boot Camp For New Dads, (bootcampfornewdads.org), a nationwide program in more than 200 communities worldwide that teaches new dads skills and gives them confidence to be successful fathers by helping them bond early with their kids.
Dads, Bishop says, have made a big comeback and they’re doing great. “This is a wonderful time to be a father. We’ve got nowhere to go but up.”
Alive and well
Fatherhood is alive and well, Hilling declared in his new book about dads and their fathering experiences. He wrote it because, he said, “It’s time to give fathers a voice.”
Numerous studies on the role of fathers show that dads matter a lot. Fathers who spend quality time with their kids help instill self-control and social skills, research shows. Fathers are more involved with their children now more than ever, with studies showing that dads who live with their kids have tripled the amount of time they spend with them, compared with 20 years ago.
Even some businesses are promoting the fatherhood comeback. Dove, the skincare products company, jumped on the bandwagon this year with its new Dove Men+Care campaign.
One local and involved father with a touching story in Hilling’s book is Wing Lam, co-founder of Wahoo’s Fish Taco and a resident of Newport Beach. Lam writes how his only child, Greg, now 27, came out as gay to him when Greg was 19, following some tough teen years when Greg seemed angry and Wing Lam had trouble connecting with his son. Lam immediately offered his support and love for his son, and the two remain close. Lam’s story illustrates what the research shows: Quality time from a dad offered in a caring, nurturing environment helps lead to a positive relationship with a child, even in trying circumstances.
“Despite the turmoil during the teenage years, I wouldn’t change a thing about how Greg and I have grown as father and son,” Wing Lam said. “Fatherhood has its challenges, and you can’t avoid the inevitable teenage years. What is important is how you work through the challenges and develop a relationship built on respect, trust, honesty and courage.”
Lam has encouraged his son to strive to achieve things in life by his own hard work. “You’ve got to let them fall and pick up the pieces by themselves, or they’re never going to learn,” he said. “From the day he said (that he was gay), it’s always been like, ‘Cool, how can I help you get to the next level?’ If he needs anything, he knows he can find me.”
Lam relishes being a rock for his son, a role that is widely seen as unique to dads. “I told him, ‘I’m not going to carry you, but you can always use me as a go-to to close the deal.’”
Ethan Edwards, a divorced dad from Huntington Beach with two daughters, ages 9 and 7, also relishes his role of being the rock for his family - a “fixer” and then some. Edwards, a planner for the city of Huntington Beach, and his former wife share custody of their daughters. Being a single dad also has unique challenges for men, he says.
“As a single dad with daughters, you can’t just be the rock anymore. You have to step outside that traditional role of dad being the breadwinner and step into a more feminine, motherly role, more nurturing and in tune with their emotions,” Edwards said. “The traditional roles are being blurred, especially in divorced families.”
“The role of a dad for girls is extremely important,” Edwards added. “I’m providing a role model of friendship and later in life in terms of love partners and relationships. What I bring to the table is a lot of guidance, to keep their emotions calm. I give them permission to express themselves and not shut down, and I provide a safe space.”
Still, Edwards’ daughters know their dad is their rock; it’s part of their family culture. Last summer, he took his daughters on a vacation to the Pacific Northwest, and the trio visited the Olympic National Forest near Seattle. They each took on “forest names” for the day: Keira, 7, was Fern Baby, and Aneka, 9, was Cedar Wood. Their dad’s forest name was River Rock.
“The reason I was that name is because I’m solid like a rock and I do what’s right for the girls. Also, I’m fluid like water to adapt to their changing needs.”
Research on fathering
Dads are still less involved with direct child care than moms, but in two-parent homes in which the mother works full-time and earns a similar salary to the dad’s, the dad does about 75 percent as much of the work at home as the mother does, according to fathering expert Jay Fagan, a professor of social work at Temple University in Philadelphia and the founding editor of Fathering, a professional research journal that publishes research on fathers and fatherhood issues.
Fagan is leading the Fatherhood Research and Practice Network, a new five-year national project funded through the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services to evaluate fatherhood programs nationally. The network began in October 2013.
“Nowadays, fathers are often doing many of the same things mothers are, and to a large extent, there isn’t much difference,” Fagan said.
Data from the United States Census Bureau has tracked how dads are becoming more involved in their kids’ lives today, with the recent recession and an increase in the number of working moms both playing roles in the change.
The Census Bureau reported in 2011 that one-third of fathers with working wives regularly care for their kids. Among fathers with a wife in the workforce, 32 percent were a regular source of care for their children under age 15, up from 26 percent in 2002, the U.S. Census Bureau reported in a news release. “As married women have increasingly moved into the labor force, fathers have become more available for childcare while their wives are working,” the Census Bureau reported.
Dads play an important role in parenting. Newer research shows the many positive effects of fathers, Fagan says. For example, fathers like to engage in more play with their kids than moms do. “Play is important for language and cognitive development. It’s important for children who are developing social competence and learning how to interact with adults and peers. It can contribute to self-regulation of emotions and behavior.”
In addition, “What the research shows is that the quality of fathers’ involvement with children is more important than the quantity of involvement. There has to be some level of involvement to begin with,” Fagan says, adding that current studies on a dad’s impact on his kids take into account the influences of both parents.
Fagan says dads offer children a sense of emotional security.
“There have been quite a few studies showing that with fathers who are sensitive to their young children’s emotional states and needs, there is a better sense of a more secure attachment bond with their parents.”
Absent dads
A father doesn’t have to live with his child to be a positive influence. Studies of children with divorced parents show that the kids want their dads and say they wished they’d been able to spend more time with them, Fagan says.
And multiple studies over the past 15 years have demonstrated that the quality of a dad’s involvement is more important than the amount of contact he has with his kids or the amount of child support he pays. If a dad provides a nurturing, positive climate, engages his kids in positive activities and helps with their schooling - whether he lives with his kids or not - “Those kids are having better outcomes,” Fagan said.
Other fathering groups have raised alarms over the number of fatherless homes in America. The nonprofit National Fatherhood Initiative, based in Maryland, considers it a crisis that, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, 24 million children in the U.S. - one out of three - lives without their biological dad in the home.
The group pointed to a variety of problems faced by kids raised in father-absent homes:
• Kids are almost four times more likely to be poor - U.S. Census Bureau
• Children of single mothers show higher levels of aggressive behavior than those born to married mothers - Journal of Marriage and Family
• Infant mortality rates are nearly two times higher for infants of unmarried mothers than for married mothers - National Center for Health Statistics
• These kids are more likely to go to prison - U.S. Department of Justice
• Teens without fathers are twice as likely to be involved in early sexual activity and seven times more likely to get pregnant as an adolescent - Child Development Journal
• Youths are more at risk of first substance use without a highly involved father - Social Science Research
• Obese children are more likely to live in father-absent homes than are non-obese children - National Longitudinal Survey of Youth
• Students living in father-absent homes are twice as likely to repeat a grade in school, and father involvement in schools is associated with a higher likelihood of the children getting mostly A’s - U.S. Department of Education.
As bad as this sounds, Fagan notes that many dads who don’t live with their kids do remain active and involved with them. About 25 percent of biological kids who don’t live with their father have no contact with their dad at all, he says, and the number of nonresidential fathers with no contact has decreased.
Like Hilling, Bishop would like to see fathers support each other more, like they do in the Boot Camp for New Dads program.
“The unique thing we do with our boot camp is get together and say, ‘What have we learned, guys, what do we pass on to our next crew?’ Guys are pretty isolated. They don’t connect with each other outside of the camp. There is no website where guys can connect and ask each other questions.
“The number of dad blogger sites is tiny, compared to moms’ sites. It’s hard to articulate why it is, and it’s partly due to being trashed for decades. All of this is changing. We are seeing more young dads come in and being more informed and starting to talk. That’s a nut that men need to crack as fathers.”