The Fox's Cradle Chapter 5 Part 2
Finally I've reached my break week!!! D: I've been having a string of exams haha how has life been for all of you? Here you go: the second part of chapter 5~
The situation between me and the child is like the temporal calm before a war, filled with tension. Neither of us took the first step to provoke the other. Who would have guessed that one day I would be fighting with a 5 year-old? Children are innocent, and this sort of situation probably terrified her, because her father is everything to her.
Thrice a week she would have lessons, and this Thursday's is the last one of the week. My head was throbbing from my lack of sleep, but I still pushed myself to bathe and dry my hair before the tutor came. Yunho realized that I was more energetic than usual and, while reading his newspapers, asked me what I was so happy about? I shrugged and murmured a vague answer as I combed my hair and checked my reflection.
"Hm...."
I discovered dark circles beneath my eyes. This won't do. When she gets here I'll ask her to recommend some nutritious foods and skin care products to me. I must look as beautiful as possible while I'm still alive.
"I look better today, don't I?"
"Yes, you do."
She answered me with a radiant smile. Even though she was just being polite, I felt comforted by her words. I wanted to be friends with her, and have sincere conversations with her. Is this what it feels like to have a friend? For some reason, I found myself looking forward to the days when she comes over to teach A-hyun, to the point where I'm almost anxious to see her.
I wanted to find a good opportunity to talk to her in private, so I went for the lesson with A-hyun. I told her that someone once told me how caring for children actually helps to improve a person's concentration, so I wanted to try it out. I had no interest in the lesson actually; all I wanted was for things that could cover up my flaws, like make up. Like, friends.
She opened the workbook and flipped through the pages, glancing at the child and back to the book.
Ah~ I suddenly remembered the small note that she wrote, the one that fell out when I threw the book at A-hyun. The words flashed across my mind. I didn't want to be looked down upon, so I tried to explain myself to her.
"I'm so sorry, at that time I was..."
"My umma is a man..."
The words that came out from the child's mouth took us all by surprise. Both the meaning, as well as the intent. It sounded different from her usual, awkward intonation, and she said it with a blank expression. I felt the blood drain from my face as I sat frozen to the spot. She glanced quickly at me, equally shocked.
"My umma loves my appa a lot..."
"...A-hyun ah."
She tried to stop the child but was completely ignored.
"That's why my umma feels sad whenever he sees me..."
I wonder, did some part of what Suh-hee went through live on in her daughter? Did she send A-hyun here to seek revenge upon me? I felt a chilly fear, which quickly turned into hatred. Suddenly, a shadow appeared behind me and I turned, half-expecting to see her standing behind with a dark expression on her face. All the grown-ups seemed to have forgotten that their hearts were still beating, and for a moment all we could hear was the sound of A-hyun breathing.
As if exposing our relationship wasn't enough! Even my Yunho, my beautiful and perfect Jung Yunho had been branded as a 'homosexual' in that instant. Just with those few words, she revealed all the things we shamefully tried to hide. I felt embarrassed and cornered. All this while I had never thought of our love as a sin, even for a second. But now, in this moment, I started feeling doubtful. Is it really normal? It feels like we've broken some rule, like we had sinned beyond redemption and now, we can't even raise our heads and face the world.
I worry for my Yunho. I'm afraid that because of me, she'll look at Yunho in a different light as well.
I glared at the child. It's because of those innocent eyes that told me that she didn't understand a word of what she had just said. I gritted my teeth in fury. Jung A-hyun. The child born from a tragedy, who carried her mother's hatred with her into this world. Thanks to you, we... We've been reduced to this!!!!
"Go to hell... Just die!!"
I crossed the table in an instant and ran towards the child. No one could hold me back as I grasped her tiny neck in my hands as if I wanted to snap it in two. Because her windpipe was blocked, she flailed her small limbs weakly as she tried to escape my strangle. She's like a little doll - if I exerted just a little more strength, she would break into little pieces immediately. If you're really a doll, then why are you staring at me like that? Why are you condemning me with those blood-shot eyes!!!!!
"It's all because of you!!!"
"Jaejoong ah, Kim Jaejoong!! Snap out of it! Calm down!!"
I heard Yunho's voice behind me and then I realized that someone was trying to hold me back. She was also trying her best to pry my hands off A-hyun's neck, but no matter how strong she was, it's extremely difficult to stop a man once he's gone mad. When I had my sudden fits of madness, it took 3 able-bodied caretakers to restrain me back at the sanatorium. My strength is pretty monstrous when I'm out of control. A-hyun was so shocked that she couldn't even utter a single cry as her face turned from red to green, and then blue. Interesting. It made me happy, seeing her like this. Until I felt Yunho punch me hard across my face.
After that blow, I fell the floor and laid there, trying my best to breathe as I closed my eyes. All of a sudden, I felt tears trickle down my face in a rush and I immediately tried to cover my face, praying that the footsteps nearing me didn't belong to her. Don't let her see me like this.... I'm pathetic enough. If you looked at me, maybe I won't be able to stop myself from strangling you as well...
"Sob. Appa.... Sob..."
Her cries were like an electric jolt to my weak heart. I quickly turned my gaze on the child. She was holding her tiny hands to her neck, coughing violently, and her cries got even louder as her father walked towards her. Surely my Yunho knows as well that she's just pretending to be pitiful! That sneaky brat, she must be a devil in disguise! Stop calling Yunho with that disgusting mouth of yours!!!
"Jaejoong... Are you alright?"
"Get out..."
She's worried about me, her voice quivering slightly as she spoke. I must have looked like a corpse, but hearing her voice calmed me considerably. I really like people like you.
"...Jaejoong-sshi"
"Please. Just leave me be..."
I shielded my eyes with my hands, blocking out all the light from the world. She stood there, hesitant, and then she immediately went to pack her things and left the house. I heard the door close. She's gone. That means there's only me and him left in this room, and the wailing child he held in his arms. Sad. Compared to her cries, my inner torment seemed almost pathetic.
He walked past me while I was crying on the floor, probably because he was carrying A-hyun to bed as he tried to pacify the terrified child. Because today, he's not my beautiful Jung Yunho, but Jung A-hyun's loving father.
Should I say that I was wrong? And beg for his forgiveness at his feet? Yunho ah, Yunho ah. Please don't go, because it's killing me. If you left as well, what am I supposed to do....?
I should do something. I'm scared. I don't have that much time left like I did in the past. To catch him, I threw away all my pride and dignity, and changed the way I loved him.
"It was me.... Me...!! I was the one who killed her...!!"
I couldn't push myself to my feet, so I propped myself on my elbows and clenched my fists, head raised defiantly. Luckily Yunho was facing me so my tearful confession wasn't just directed at him, but at the child as well. Listen, and stop crying. I will tell you everything that I did, and you must listen well. You must encourage me as I try my best to repent, and not let my remaining days be defiled by this anymore.
"Does it hurt? A-hyun? ...Sob... Your umma must have been hurt more, wasn't she?"
"Jaejoong ah..."
"A-hyun ah, I killed your umma... Have you ever seen your real umma's face before? Hm?"
"Jaejoong ah, stop this. Please..."
"Have you? I'm asking you!!! Sob..."
I was going mad again, scratching at my own face, my nails leaving bloody streaks across my skin. With every scratch, I hated my Yunho for not taking a single step towards me. In the end, he turned and left the room. Watching his cold shadow leave, I stopped rolling on the floor and tried my best to crawl after him, grabbing weakly at the edge of his pants.
A-hyun may not have her mother, but she still has a father to count on in this world.
But to the weak and fragile Kim Jaejoong, Yunho has always been the only thing in his world.
"Yunho ah, I... I'm tired... Tuck me into bed too...!"
I desperately wanted to sleep. Yunho ah, hm? I looked up at him with wounds all over my face. Because of the tears, the wounds stung as if they were on fire. After a while, he put down the child. Ah, I'm so happy.
He frowned, but he's smiling as well. I closed my eyes in bliss as his warm hands reached beneath my chin and wrapped themselves around my neck. I could feel the heat from his fingers as he slowly increased the pressure.
He's telling me, "I love you."
The situation between me and the child is like the temporal calm before a war, filled with tension. Neither of us took the first step to provoke the other. Who would have guessed that one day I would be fighting with a 5 year-old? Children are innocent, and this sort of situation probably terrified her, because her father is everything to her.
Thrice a week she would have lessons, and this Thursday's is the last one of the week. My head was throbbing from my lack of sleep, but I still pushed myself to bathe and dry my hair before the tutor came. Yunho realized that I was more energetic than usual and, while reading his newspapers, asked me what I was so happy about? I shrugged and murmured a vague answer as I combed my hair and checked my reflection.
"Hm...."
I discovered dark circles beneath my eyes. This won't do. When she gets here I'll ask her to recommend some nutritious foods and skin care products to me. I must look as beautiful as possible while I'm still alive.
"I look better today, don't I?"
"Yes, you do."
She answered me with a radiant smile. Even though she was just being polite, I felt comforted by her words. I wanted to be friends with her, and have sincere conversations with her. Is this what it feels like to have a friend? For some reason, I found myself looking forward to the days when she comes over to teach A-hyun, to the point where I'm almost anxious to see her.
I wanted to find a good opportunity to talk to her in private, so I went for the lesson with A-hyun. I told her that someone once told me how caring for children actually helps to improve a person's concentration, so I wanted to try it out. I had no interest in the lesson actually; all I wanted was for things that could cover up my flaws, like make up. Like, friends.
She opened the workbook and flipped through the pages, glancing at the child and back to the book.
Ah~ I suddenly remembered the small note that she wrote, the one that fell out when I threw the book at A-hyun. The words flashed across my mind. I didn't want to be looked down upon, so I tried to explain myself to her.
"I'm so sorry, at that time I was..."
"My umma is a man..."
The words that came out from the child's mouth took us all by surprise. Both the meaning, as well as the intent. It sounded different from her usual, awkward intonation, and she said it with a blank expression. I felt the blood drain from my face as I sat frozen to the spot. She glanced quickly at me, equally shocked.
"My umma loves my appa a lot..."
"...A-hyun ah."
She tried to stop the child but was completely ignored.
"That's why my umma feels sad whenever he sees me..."
I wonder, did some part of what Suh-hee went through live on in her daughter? Did she send A-hyun here to seek revenge upon me? I felt a chilly fear, which quickly turned into hatred. Suddenly, a shadow appeared behind me and I turned, half-expecting to see her standing behind with a dark expression on her face. All the grown-ups seemed to have forgotten that their hearts were still beating, and for a moment all we could hear was the sound of A-hyun breathing.
As if exposing our relationship wasn't enough! Even my Yunho, my beautiful and perfect Jung Yunho had been branded as a 'homosexual' in that instant. Just with those few words, she revealed all the things we shamefully tried to hide. I felt embarrassed and cornered. All this while I had never thought of our love as a sin, even for a second. But now, in this moment, I started feeling doubtful. Is it really normal? It feels like we've broken some rule, like we had sinned beyond redemption and now, we can't even raise our heads and face the world.
I worry for my Yunho. I'm afraid that because of me, she'll look at Yunho in a different light as well.
I glared at the child. It's because of those innocent eyes that told me that she didn't understand a word of what she had just said. I gritted my teeth in fury. Jung A-hyun. The child born from a tragedy, who carried her mother's hatred with her into this world. Thanks to you, we... We've been reduced to this!!!!
"Go to hell... Just die!!"
I crossed the table in an instant and ran towards the child. No one could hold me back as I grasped her tiny neck in my hands as if I wanted to snap it in two. Because her windpipe was blocked, she flailed her small limbs weakly as she tried to escape my strangle. She's like a little doll - if I exerted just a little more strength, she would break into little pieces immediately. If you're really a doll, then why are you staring at me like that? Why are you condemning me with those blood-shot eyes!!!!!
"It's all because of you!!!"
"Jaejoong ah, Kim Jaejoong!! Snap out of it! Calm down!!"
I heard Yunho's voice behind me and then I realized that someone was trying to hold me back. She was also trying her best to pry my hands off A-hyun's neck, but no matter how strong she was, it's extremely difficult to stop a man once he's gone mad. When I had my sudden fits of madness, it took 3 able-bodied caretakers to restrain me back at the sanatorium. My strength is pretty monstrous when I'm out of control. A-hyun was so shocked that she couldn't even utter a single cry as her face turned from red to green, and then blue. Interesting. It made me happy, seeing her like this. Until I felt Yunho punch me hard across my face.
After that blow, I fell the floor and laid there, trying my best to breathe as I closed my eyes. All of a sudden, I felt tears trickle down my face in a rush and I immediately tried to cover my face, praying that the footsteps nearing me didn't belong to her. Don't let her see me like this.... I'm pathetic enough. If you looked at me, maybe I won't be able to stop myself from strangling you as well...
"Sob. Appa.... Sob..."
Her cries were like an electric jolt to my weak heart. I quickly turned my gaze on the child. She was holding her tiny hands to her neck, coughing violently, and her cries got even louder as her father walked towards her. Surely my Yunho knows as well that she's just pretending to be pitiful! That sneaky brat, she must be a devil in disguise! Stop calling Yunho with that disgusting mouth of yours!!!
"Jaejoong... Are you alright?"
"Get out..."
She's worried about me, her voice quivering slightly as she spoke. I must have looked like a corpse, but hearing her voice calmed me considerably. I really like people like you.
"...Jaejoong-sshi"
"Please. Just leave me be..."
I shielded my eyes with my hands, blocking out all the light from the world. She stood there, hesitant, and then she immediately went to pack her things and left the house. I heard the door close. She's gone. That means there's only me and him left in this room, and the wailing child he held in his arms. Sad. Compared to her cries, my inner torment seemed almost pathetic.
He walked past me while I was crying on the floor, probably because he was carrying A-hyun to bed as he tried to pacify the terrified child. Because today, he's not my beautiful Jung Yunho, but Jung A-hyun's loving father.
Should I say that I was wrong? And beg for his forgiveness at his feet? Yunho ah, Yunho ah. Please don't go, because it's killing me. If you left as well, what am I supposed to do....?
I should do something. I'm scared. I don't have that much time left like I did in the past. To catch him, I threw away all my pride and dignity, and changed the way I loved him.
"It was me.... Me...!! I was the one who killed her...!!"
I couldn't push myself to my feet, so I propped myself on my elbows and clenched my fists, head raised defiantly. Luckily Yunho was facing me so my tearful confession wasn't just directed at him, but at the child as well. Listen, and stop crying. I will tell you everything that I did, and you must listen well. You must encourage me as I try my best to repent, and not let my remaining days be defiled by this anymore.
"Does it hurt? A-hyun? ...Sob... Your umma must have been hurt more, wasn't she?"
"Jaejoong ah..."
"A-hyun ah, I killed your umma... Have you ever seen your real umma's face before? Hm?"
"Jaejoong ah, stop this. Please..."
"Have you? I'm asking you!!! Sob..."
I was going mad again, scratching at my own face, my nails leaving bloody streaks across my skin. With every scratch, I hated my Yunho for not taking a single step towards me. In the end, he turned and left the room. Watching his cold shadow leave, I stopped rolling on the floor and tried my best to crawl after him, grabbing weakly at the edge of his pants.
A-hyun may not have her mother, but she still has a father to count on in this world.
But to the weak and fragile Kim Jaejoong, Yunho has always been the only thing in his world.
"Yunho ah, I... I'm tired... Tuck me into bed too...!"
I desperately wanted to sleep. Yunho ah, hm? I looked up at him with wounds all over my face. Because of the tears, the wounds stung as if they were on fire. After a while, he put down the child. Ah, I'm so happy.
He frowned, but he's smiling as well. I closed my eyes in bliss as his warm hands reached beneath my chin and wrapped themselves around my neck. I could feel the heat from his fingers as he slowly increased the pressure.
He's telling me, "I love you."