Yeesh
Ok well the world has officially been thrown off its rocker. Probably not but that is fun to say anyways. Last night I had a million htings to say. I am not kidding one million things to say but then I could not say them because I was to tired to write them down. I also could not sleep last night because I needed to write it down. So i did finally drift off into sleep a troubled one which results in me waking up this morning not feeling rested at all. Seems that everyone is sad lately. The smiles are less and less and as much as people say they like the fall or winter I know their bodies do not. They never seem to adjust to the cold. It just seems that things affect us more during the cold weather then the warm. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am the only one in the funk. It seems everytime I turn around someone is telling me something that is heartbreaking. Not for me but for them and I honestly cannot find the words to console them. Who is to say they even want them. THey must just want to be listened too and that is all I can do. That is all that I do. Yet it leaves me with a feeling that I did nto do enough. There is also that period when I a person gets to me to share their horrible news when i am at my wits end or filled to the brim of hearing everyone elses. I sware that person will think I am a bitch because i just look at them glazed eye and say oh. This happened a few years ago. I originally wanted to be a therapist. I was going to be a pychiatrist. Then I realized i could not ever be one. A therapist is supposed to be able to listen and give sympathy not empathy. I am to empathetic. I do not want to just listen and be done tell them i am sorry they feel that way I want to hug them tell them it will work itself out and then find osmeway to make it work. Hell, I want to hold thier hand when they walk in hte dark if they tell me they are afraid of the dark. Yet, I cannot I can not save everyone make everyone feel better and the last thing i need to do is put myself in a position where I am only working with people that i can help slowly. I think I lack patience. I know eventually i can help them. Yet I have watched people who go to therapy. It seems the only time they feel better is an hour after their seesion sometimes. Then after that they are in torment until the next time they can go. Is it because they feel that person is the only person that actually listens to them? Medicine. There is something I could fall into. You get results. Still not 100percent, but the results are easier to see. You can see when a wound is healing over you cannot tell when an emotional one is because skin does not lie or try to be brave or put on false pretenses people do. THey may not do it on purpose but they do if not for themselves then for others. THe bravest nicest sweetest happiest people are sometimes the saddest most scared most angry. Not always but sometimes. Why am I writing this? No clue. It helps put things in order I guess. Makes me happy oh well LOL.
Side not remembered what i was going to write last night. I have been getting along better with my mom lately. It is easier to fprgove someone you love for being selfish once you relinquish the fact taht isjust who the are. Once you realize they cannot help themselves they are not doing it to hurt them they are doing it because they cannot help it. You then learn to love them no matter what and just look for the good in them. So mom has been doing better. Yet every once in awhile she does something to remind me how angry she can make me, why I left oklahoma vowing never to move back, leave that bitter taste in my mouth when i say her name. She is quitting her job. She hates it. It does not make her happy anymore. That is fine. She should not work there if it does nto make her happy, but she still has my brothers. My dad should help out more she should demand that he helps out more. He can and he would if you just knocked him oer the head. I am not saying mom isthe only one at fault dad is too my parents are selfish no matter how nice they can be they are damn selfish. Last night my little brother told me that mom is quitting her job where she makes at least 1500 a month take home and because of this that my brothers will need to take the money they earn atwork to help pay the bills. Gabe is 18 so this I can be okay with IF he was not still in highschool and he is. I am sorry you hsould not have to pay bills until you are out of school. My other brother is 15. This is the one she told. She does not have to make my little brother worry about bills. He is to young. It is not fair. He is now wondering how soon he can get a job how much he can work so that he can give money to mom. Not fair. I do not mind her saying they have to pay for their own school clothes if they want new ones but to tell them if they want food or groceries they need too. Bullshit. I think she should wait to find a new job until Tj is done with shcool that is only 2 and a half more years or ask dad for help. That money they get from work should be theirs. If they want to start driving then yes they shoudl pay insurance and gas. If they want cell phones yes they should pay for that, but if they are living in mom's hose while still going to school she should be ok with that. Not college highschool. They are still in highschool. My mom needs to buck up swallow her damn pride and tell my dad she needs more hten a hundred dollars a month to support my brothers and if my dad gives her shit then she needs to sue him. I love my dad he is a great guy but maybe he does nto realize how much it costs. My parents have been blessed with kids who understand money even though they do not. Tj and I do. We know we have to save. We know how to manage. Somehow Gabe has missed out on this but I stil do not think mom should make him pay bills until he is done with school it is not fair. SHit. Ohw ell. I guess what can I do. Maybe I should move back home and find ajob and help out. Maybe I am the selfish one.
Side not remembered what i was going to write last night. I have been getting along better with my mom lately. It is easier to fprgove someone you love for being selfish once you relinquish the fact taht isjust who the are. Once you realize they cannot help themselves they are not doing it to hurt them they are doing it because they cannot help it. You then learn to love them no matter what and just look for the good in them. So mom has been doing better. Yet every once in awhile she does something to remind me how angry she can make me, why I left oklahoma vowing never to move back, leave that bitter taste in my mouth when i say her name. She is quitting her job. She hates it. It does not make her happy anymore. That is fine. She should not work there if it does nto make her happy, but she still has my brothers. My dad should help out more she should demand that he helps out more. He can and he would if you just knocked him oer the head. I am not saying mom isthe only one at fault dad is too my parents are selfish no matter how nice they can be they are damn selfish. Last night my little brother told me that mom is quitting her job where she makes at least 1500 a month take home and because of this that my brothers will need to take the money they earn atwork to help pay the bills. Gabe is 18 so this I can be okay with IF he was not still in highschool and he is. I am sorry you hsould not have to pay bills until you are out of school. My other brother is 15. This is the one she told. She does not have to make my little brother worry about bills. He is to young. It is not fair. He is now wondering how soon he can get a job how much he can work so that he can give money to mom. Not fair. I do not mind her saying they have to pay for their own school clothes if they want new ones but to tell them if they want food or groceries they need too. Bullshit. I think she should wait to find a new job until Tj is done with shcool that is only 2 and a half more years or ask dad for help. That money they get from work should be theirs. If they want to start driving then yes they shoudl pay insurance and gas. If they want cell phones yes they should pay for that, but if they are living in mom's hose while still going to school she should be ok with that. Not college highschool. They are still in highschool. My mom needs to buck up swallow her damn pride and tell my dad she needs more hten a hundred dollars a month to support my brothers and if my dad gives her shit then she needs to sue him. I love my dad he is a great guy but maybe he does nto realize how much it costs. My parents have been blessed with kids who understand money even though they do not. Tj and I do. We know we have to save. We know how to manage. Somehow Gabe has missed out on this but I stil do not think mom should make him pay bills until he is done with school it is not fair. SHit. Ohw ell. I guess what can I do. Maybe I should move back home and find ajob and help out. Maybe I am the selfish one.