(no subject)
Lots of talking went on tonight. I don't really know what I want out of life, I don't even really know what it is that I like to do. Its so much easier just to conform to what the people I spend time with like to do, than just figure something out for myself. Will it be too late before I figure out what it is that I want ? Will I really end up all alone, or worse, in some false relationship with pretend love ? I think back to all of the people that I've hurt, that I've elevated to some pedestal, and just leaving, letting them fall. Though that in itself is a testament to how much ego I have. Thinking that someone's entire life could be shattered just because I didn't stay with them, be with them, love them. Sometimes I think I'm one of those people who is never with someone, will be by themselves. Like a love curse. Or more accurately, a virus, a disease. Infecting whoever it is I touch with my cynicsm. I really have to figure out how to change who I am, or I'm doomed to repeat my failures again and again. Lots of people say "Just change." but its not that easy for me. Its almost like I can't let go of who I was before, that its just going to be the same forever. I don't really know where to start, but it has to be somewhere, and it has to be soon.