Bitches Be Crazy...
It's cutting into my serenity. I've been house manager for what, five months, and I'm about to resign my position. It's too fucking much. This week alone, two women have relapsed, one packed up her stuff and left in the middle of the night after I spent a week nodding and listening to her talk about her past filled with trauma, drama and abuse a the hand of her disturbed brother.
I just sat down at the computer now after two newbies stood in the living room at midnight screaming at each other. I stood impotently in the middle, trying to calm them down. In the end, I was yelling at them both to just Shut up! Please! Stop yelling! Jesus fucking christ!
Suffice to say, I was totally ineffective.
Finally, another resident at the house downstairs came up to see what the commotion was about and broke up the bitchfest.
This after yet another resident crashed her truck and is now in the hospital.
I am not cut out for conflict resolution, I guess. If two people want to sit down and have a semi-reasonable discussion, it's one thing. I'm there to moderate. But pissed off recovering junkies? They don't listen to reason, I'll tell you what. Not from me, anyway.
My former house mother told me recently that it's time for me to quit when I stop caring about these people. And that time has come. I don't especially give a shit if any of them relapse or have a fight with their boyfriend or jump off a cliff. I would bow my head reverently and respectfully for a moment and go to the service, and then I would hurry home to catch What Not to Wear. I have become desensitized to the constant goddamn mutherfucking 24/7 melodrama. It's endless.
I don't like it. I'm a sweet, kind, sensitive person. And this shit is taking all of it away from me. I don't have the capacity to see people at their worst day in and day out. I don't care enough to buoy people up when they're about to dip beneath the surface, again and again. My attitude now is, 'everyone get a grip.' And when they don't have the resources to do so, I'm at a loss. And then I let it go.
And what I wrote above, about cutting into my serenity? It's actually not true. I'm on an even keel, for sure. But it's so much effort to keep myself from complete exhaustion that there's no room for other emotions. I'm always braced for a crisis (always at 12:30 at night! What's up with that?) and there's no room for me to build anything else.
I'm tired, people!
I just sat down at the computer now after two newbies stood in the living room at midnight screaming at each other. I stood impotently in the middle, trying to calm them down. In the end, I was yelling at them both to just Shut up! Please! Stop yelling! Jesus fucking christ!
Suffice to say, I was totally ineffective.
Finally, another resident at the house downstairs came up to see what the commotion was about and broke up the bitchfest.
This after yet another resident crashed her truck and is now in the hospital.
I am not cut out for conflict resolution, I guess. If two people want to sit down and have a semi-reasonable discussion, it's one thing. I'm there to moderate. But pissed off recovering junkies? They don't listen to reason, I'll tell you what. Not from me, anyway.
My former house mother told me recently that it's time for me to quit when I stop caring about these people. And that time has come. I don't especially give a shit if any of them relapse or have a fight with their boyfriend or jump off a cliff. I would bow my head reverently and respectfully for a moment and go to the service, and then I would hurry home to catch What Not to Wear. I have become desensitized to the constant goddamn mutherfucking 24/7 melodrama. It's endless.
I don't like it. I'm a sweet, kind, sensitive person. And this shit is taking all of it away from me. I don't have the capacity to see people at their worst day in and day out. I don't care enough to buoy people up when they're about to dip beneath the surface, again and again. My attitude now is, 'everyone get a grip.' And when they don't have the resources to do so, I'm at a loss. And then I let it go.
And what I wrote above, about cutting into my serenity? It's actually not true. I'm on an even keel, for sure. But it's so much effort to keep myself from complete exhaustion that there's no room for other emotions. I'm always braced for a crisis (always at 12:30 at night! What's up with that?) and there's no room for me to build anything else.
I'm tired, people!