(no subject)
i am trying to think of things that make me happy in a completely selfish manner. no, im not trying. i am avoiding.
i am avoiding because i am scared of having no result. or my result being simply an alturit ideal, to make others i care for happy.
i desire to make myself happy, and realize i am missing the key component; knowlege of the sorce of my personal and internal joy. i suppose you could say i am currently 'happy', there are things and people that i enjoy, my life is busy and full, i am young, attractive, healthy, and ambitious.
but these are selfless things.
maintaining myself, being an enjoyable person, those are actions that are put into action for the ultimate enjoymet of others. which of course, does not impy i receive as much, if not more satisfaction from people and things and actions. is that all that carries me through life? satisfying myself and others? is that all that makes me tick, helping my peers and those less fortunate, being a 'good' person?
i dont want it to be.
i allow my own thought to be crippled because i lead a life of fear, as so many humans do. and i am afraid of this fear, as if it is eating my potential alive, and i am simply letting it, powerless to saving my mind from easing into the easy and pleasant route of feeding off of ideas and ideals of others, like some disgusting parasite. i feel as if every thought i have thought is recycled and unorigional, and i cant stand to think of that. being selfish is the hardest thing i have ever attempted to do. selflessness is easy street. it is a common misconception.
fuck.
not knowing myself at the core seems ignorant at the moment.
so im going to work on it.
i am avoiding because i am scared of having no result. or my result being simply an alturit ideal, to make others i care for happy.
i desire to make myself happy, and realize i am missing the key component; knowlege of the sorce of my personal and internal joy. i suppose you could say i am currently 'happy', there are things and people that i enjoy, my life is busy and full, i am young, attractive, healthy, and ambitious.
but these are selfless things.
maintaining myself, being an enjoyable person, those are actions that are put into action for the ultimate enjoymet of others. which of course, does not impy i receive as much, if not more satisfaction from people and things and actions. is that all that carries me through life? satisfying myself and others? is that all that makes me tick, helping my peers and those less fortunate, being a 'good' person?
i dont want it to be.
i allow my own thought to be crippled because i lead a life of fear, as so many humans do. and i am afraid of this fear, as if it is eating my potential alive, and i am simply letting it, powerless to saving my mind from easing into the easy and pleasant route of feeding off of ideas and ideals of others, like some disgusting parasite. i feel as if every thought i have thought is recycled and unorigional, and i cant stand to think of that. being selfish is the hardest thing i have ever attempted to do. selflessness is easy street. it is a common misconception.
fuck.
not knowing myself at the core seems ignorant at the moment.
so im going to work on it.