May 18, 2008 17:30
Everything just fell off
Not right now, but right then,
and every time a sunday night or monday morning rolls around.
My heart drops off or rolls up into my throat
and my head fills with something that makes it ache.
Cause my mind is off it and I'm happy, and I'm so aware that I'm not with him and happy.
Then I'm happy to be loving him and happy that he isn't mine. Then I masturbate and he comes to mind and I can't think of him going down on me because it makes me want to cry.
Every time I take the L train, I'm left to right, hoping I'll see him or see them together and that I'll just drop it. I'll just forget it and dismiss it and really understand that it wasn't meant to be and I won't keep wondering what I did wrong or what I could've done right and then I'll stop wondering what I can still do to make it happen.
Every weekend I want to call him and ask him to go to brunch, but not at the old spot, cause thats probably to intimate and I can't even get into it, how I'm not faithful to him, while he loves someone else. My infidelities kill me while I compare every man to him.
I wonder if he lied about being back with his ex to help me. Sometimes I hope thats it and other times I'm afraid thats it. And I want to go places where I think I'll run in to him.
I haven't been able to admit... I think I'm manic depressive. Sometimes I think its the cash, other times I think its new york. Then I'm so afraid its him.
"Tell me a story about us meeting again"
Every time I recount our love affair, I over calculate the months, or do I? I can't even delte his text messages. I hate people like me.