(no subject)
i've been totally sucked into grey's anatomy. it's not a bad thing, in fact it's helping me to get over my doctor/hospital/surgery fears and angers, which is pretty damn healthy. i love the things that nate lord notices, and the way he phrases his ideas. the kid's a genius. seniors upset me, they'll all be gone way too soon. to the friends who i've had for a long time and whom i have awesome friendships with, fuck you for leaving. and to the friends who i'm just getting to know and fully appreciate and love, fuck you too. this, this is exactly the reason why college is so terrible. the times we have here are so goddamn awesome, and yeah we'll be able to hold on to some of our friends when we leave, but to be perfectly aware that many of these outstanding people we meet will suddenly cease to exist in our lives in the ways we want them to and currently do, blows. to know that the only opportunity i may have to see many of these people again is in pictures that are on my fragile computer is horribly depressing. i feel like i'm going to leave this place feeling the obvious joy of having lived these moments, but also feeling incredibly empty knowing it's over. i'm not someone who really misses high school that much, it was an akward time for me. i didn't talk much and i was very unaware of who i was, though i pretended otherwise of course. clearly a lot has changed, and i'll miss this place too much. it's not just the people, i had awesome friends in high school, people i'm still good friends with today, but this is where i figured out who i am. and goddamn, that holds some serious weight. i'm not sure that i'm glad i have another year here, it's just prolonging the inevitable. unjust finality. it's like breaking up with all your friends for no good reason.
that said, i've been having a wonderful week. haven't worried or even thought much about kevin stuff at all since that talk with nora last wednesday. rilo kiley is stunningly wonderful. who can even be that good? i hear she's pretty to boot. sometimes common phrases look awful weird when you write them. spent a lot of my leisure time lately debating, no, discussing tons of stuff lately. what will happen when our sun blinks out of existence as we know it? google and all it's glory. latency. life and all its ironies. my internal dialogue is much clearer, easier to think, possible to read without other thoughts intruding into every sentence. even thoughts that lack clear sanity aren't disturbing, at least not in the same way. i'm pretty sick of television, there's too much of it in my apartment. i find myself angry even at the good shows. it's just the lack of living, the lack of real learning that takes place while they're on. yet we set up our living rooms according to the tv set, not for ideal conversation. tv is too nonconfrontational, and i'm just sick of it. a change, i guess, from my antisocial behaviors of late, as now i require people and words and smiles and hugs and laughter. they were an escape, and a very temporary one at that, but now they're a lot more true in their intentions. and i like it.
miranda's here, more later. always more later.
p.s. i hope i win the lottery tonight. it would be sick. and relaxing. and you'll all get fun presents.
that said, i've been having a wonderful week. haven't worried or even thought much about kevin stuff at all since that talk with nora last wednesday. rilo kiley is stunningly wonderful. who can even be that good? i hear she's pretty to boot. sometimes common phrases look awful weird when you write them. spent a lot of my leisure time lately debating, no, discussing tons of stuff lately. what will happen when our sun blinks out of existence as we know it? google and all it's glory. latency. life and all its ironies. my internal dialogue is much clearer, easier to think, possible to read without other thoughts intruding into every sentence. even thoughts that lack clear sanity aren't disturbing, at least not in the same way. i'm pretty sick of television, there's too much of it in my apartment. i find myself angry even at the good shows. it's just the lack of living, the lack of real learning that takes place while they're on. yet we set up our living rooms according to the tv set, not for ideal conversation. tv is too nonconfrontational, and i'm just sick of it. a change, i guess, from my antisocial behaviors of late, as now i require people and words and smiles and hugs and laughter. they were an escape, and a very temporary one at that, but now they're a lot more true in their intentions. and i like it.
miranda's here, more later. always more later.
p.s. i hope i win the lottery tonight. it would be sick. and relaxing. and you'll all get fun presents.