(no subject)
i'm sad. very sad. it's no wonder i'm a fucked up depressive bulimic who hates herself and can't stop hurting herself. i'm not trying to blame my mum. she really loves me and i love her as much. but her ignorance hurts me. i've always been fat in her eyes. she doesn't understand depression. every time i'm depressed she asks me what she can do to make it better, which i really appreciate, but that's only shows what little idea she has about the subject. mum, it's not you. i'm the problem. i'm the source of my depression. i hate myself, i feel so inadequate and incapable, such an utter failure. i think i'm worthless and i really dislike myself. i don't know why, but i do. i find some twisted and sick comfort in hurting and damaging myself. i seem to think that i deserve it, even if i spend most of my time trying to make everyone else happy. mum, i wish you understood this. i know you think you've been through hard times, and i'm sure you have, but believe me, i know it won't have been like this. i have to live with myself, i'm stuck with this person, with this mind. i'm so self destructive i'm scared of myself.
mum, you know how much i love you, but sometimes we are so different. it's like there's a massive gap between us, and you'll never ever be able to understand me. because, fortunately, you've never had these thoughts i have about myself. have you ever wanted to be dead, disappear from this world, not wake up in the morning? no, i thought so. well, sadly that's what's constantly on mind. it's the light in my candle is fading, and i can see how it'll soon go out. it'll be no more.
i wish i had your energy, mum, your passion for life, your stamina. i wish i could see the best things about life, just like you. i wish these terrible thoughts i have had never got into my mind, or at least i wish they'd go away and never come back.
on a different note (not addressing my mum now), have you ever wondered whether this whole depression stuff is actually the easy way out? i mean, if you think of it very hard, it's actually "easier" to be sad and depressed than it is to pluck up the courage and energy and strength to overcome depression and try to be genuinely happy. in a very twisted way, by being depressed it's like you're "comforting yourself". You're admiyying to yourself that you deserve sympathy and love, and you're the best one who'll give it to yourself. it's a very unconscious act. of course you don't plan this, but it makes sense if you think of it. trying to get out of depression requires an enormous effort and a lot of energy and motivation. and it's very hard.
well, i repeat that all this makes a lot of sense. nevertheless, i've realised that this is not my case. what i mean is, my depression is not me taking the "easy way out". because i've had a taste of being happy (after i was diagnosed with depression), thanks to medication and therapy. it didn't cure me completely, but it taught me the first things i needed to know to get on the road of recovery. and i learned enough it allowed me to "live with depression". as in, i was aware it was a part of me, but i would not let it rule me. and i managed it for a while, but it's been some time since i'm even worse than at the beginning. i've really hit rock bottom now. i just don't see the point of life. i'm not going to kill myself or anything (i think i'm too depressed to do that). i just don't want to do anything. i've got to the point where trying to make myself better would be easier than living like this, because it's so horrible. believe me when i say this is not the easy way out. not for me. it fucking hurts.
god, ihave such a feeling of... i don't know...despair? i am desperate, yes. i don't know what to do. of course i know what i should do. but it's the eternal conflict. how could i live "normally", how would life without depression be? i don't know; i'm such a mess.
mum, you know how much i love you, but sometimes we are so different. it's like there's a massive gap between us, and you'll never ever be able to understand me. because, fortunately, you've never had these thoughts i have about myself. have you ever wanted to be dead, disappear from this world, not wake up in the morning? no, i thought so. well, sadly that's what's constantly on mind. it's the light in my candle is fading, and i can see how it'll soon go out. it'll be no more.
i wish i had your energy, mum, your passion for life, your stamina. i wish i could see the best things about life, just like you. i wish these terrible thoughts i have had never got into my mind, or at least i wish they'd go away and never come back.
on a different note (not addressing my mum now), have you ever wondered whether this whole depression stuff is actually the easy way out? i mean, if you think of it very hard, it's actually "easier" to be sad and depressed than it is to pluck up the courage and energy and strength to overcome depression and try to be genuinely happy. in a very twisted way, by being depressed it's like you're "comforting yourself". You're admiyying to yourself that you deserve sympathy and love, and you're the best one who'll give it to yourself. it's a very unconscious act. of course you don't plan this, but it makes sense if you think of it. trying to get out of depression requires an enormous effort and a lot of energy and motivation. and it's very hard.
well, i repeat that all this makes a lot of sense. nevertheless, i've realised that this is not my case. what i mean is, my depression is not me taking the "easy way out". because i've had a taste of being happy (after i was diagnosed with depression), thanks to medication and therapy. it didn't cure me completely, but it taught me the first things i needed to know to get on the road of recovery. and i learned enough it allowed me to "live with depression". as in, i was aware it was a part of me, but i would not let it rule me. and i managed it for a while, but it's been some time since i'm even worse than at the beginning. i've really hit rock bottom now. i just don't see the point of life. i'm not going to kill myself or anything (i think i'm too depressed to do that). i just don't want to do anything. i've got to the point where trying to make myself better would be easier than living like this, because it's so horrible. believe me when i say this is not the easy way out. not for me. it fucking hurts.
god, ihave such a feeling of... i don't know...despair? i am desperate, yes. i don't know what to do. of course i know what i should do. but it's the eternal conflict. how could i live "normally", how would life without depression be? i don't know; i'm such a mess.