(no subject)
There is no discerning the break or changing, it is merely a blending of emotions. I’m wrapping christmas presents and staring at the tree, looking at the lights and they began to refract, to blur and shift. I keep thinking of terrible things, of things that come crawling from the womb of the earth, dripping with poison and stinking of sex. I’m getting flashes of some alien thoughts, of ideals and images that don’t correlate with anything I’ve ever seen.
I’m having dreams of a woman who is splitting open her belly and out flows an ocean. She is so happy and all I can do is recoil in horror, I can’t understand it, and as I look into her eyes, she sees me for a moment and then I am overtaken by the current. I slip beneath the surface of this water and it is hot below, I am boiling alive and the things that live in this new place are a jumble of things I know. I’m sinking deeper and deeper.
I’m at work, my eyes rolling around in their sockets uncontrollably. I’m breathing raggedly, a horse being driven too hard, too fast. I stand in the freezer to keep from breaking out into sweat and my breath is pluming out, I’m staring at a cake and it resembles a severed head, it looks towards me and begins to speak in some terrible tongue that I can understand with my blood, with my urgency to cause pain, to inflict harm. It tells me about how cold it is in outer space and blood pours from the heads mouth. The blood is steaming, and it pools around my feet, it stinks and I start to scream, a low sad note building in my throat the builds to a crescendo as I lurch out of the freezer.
My car is on fire, I’m in a field on the outskirts of some town I haven’t been to in years. I’m laughing at the flames as they lick the night sky, and I’m pulling my hair out by the roots, feeling the blood trickle down my face, run through the obstacle course of my beard and start to become tacky. I’m not sure how this came to be, but it feels right. I’m walking backwards from the fire and soon I am on the side of the road, cursing from the passing traffic. I thumb for a ride and no one stops, I wouldn’t stop for me. I feel as if some ancient animal has been awoken in my chest, I want to eat a beating heart, I want to rut and watch my mate birth a liter of children so I can devour them, screaming how I am Saturn, how I am the Ocean.
I wake up in bed, nothing is different, nothing actually happened. I am wrapped in the sound of my fan and my computer humming in tune. I am losing my hair, my beard is graying, and I am alone, but my heart still sings for love that once had been. I walk around my house in silence, my feet don’t make sound anymore, I don’t even hear my own breathing. I am falling apart and no one will help me collect the pieces that get lost amongst my possessions. I’m sewing myself back together as best as I can, but each time it happens, it’s always a little off, a little bit worse for wear. I wonder what it will be like when I can no longer pull myself together, will it hurt or will it be something I welcome?
I’m having dreams of a woman who is splitting open her belly and out flows an ocean. She is so happy and all I can do is recoil in horror, I can’t understand it, and as I look into her eyes, she sees me for a moment and then I am overtaken by the current. I slip beneath the surface of this water and it is hot below, I am boiling alive and the things that live in this new place are a jumble of things I know. I’m sinking deeper and deeper.
I’m at work, my eyes rolling around in their sockets uncontrollably. I’m breathing raggedly, a horse being driven too hard, too fast. I stand in the freezer to keep from breaking out into sweat and my breath is pluming out, I’m staring at a cake and it resembles a severed head, it looks towards me and begins to speak in some terrible tongue that I can understand with my blood, with my urgency to cause pain, to inflict harm. It tells me about how cold it is in outer space and blood pours from the heads mouth. The blood is steaming, and it pools around my feet, it stinks and I start to scream, a low sad note building in my throat the builds to a crescendo as I lurch out of the freezer.
My car is on fire, I’m in a field on the outskirts of some town I haven’t been to in years. I’m laughing at the flames as they lick the night sky, and I’m pulling my hair out by the roots, feeling the blood trickle down my face, run through the obstacle course of my beard and start to become tacky. I’m not sure how this came to be, but it feels right. I’m walking backwards from the fire and soon I am on the side of the road, cursing from the passing traffic. I thumb for a ride and no one stops, I wouldn’t stop for me. I feel as if some ancient animal has been awoken in my chest, I want to eat a beating heart, I want to rut and watch my mate birth a liter of children so I can devour them, screaming how I am Saturn, how I am the Ocean.
I wake up in bed, nothing is different, nothing actually happened. I am wrapped in the sound of my fan and my computer humming in tune. I am losing my hair, my beard is graying, and I am alone, but my heart still sings for love that once had been. I walk around my house in silence, my feet don’t make sound anymore, I don’t even hear my own breathing. I am falling apart and no one will help me collect the pieces that get lost amongst my possessions. I’m sewing myself back together as best as I can, but each time it happens, it’s always a little off, a little bit worse for wear. I wonder what it will be like when I can no longer pull myself together, will it hurt or will it be something I welcome?