to clarify
i hear so many people talk about eating disorders and people who have them, i just feel the need to talk about it from my point of view.
what do i hear? how ungrateful we are that we can afford food but choose not to eat it. how we should just "eat a hamburger". how we're all a product of society's vision of perfection.
well, i can't speak for everyone who has an eating disorder, but i can speak for myself. hi. i have an eating disorder. most of you know that by now. i'm in recovery from anorexia and bulimia.
and let me just be the first to say that if you've never had an eating disorder, there's NO WAY you can judge those of us who have. you haven't been there. you don't know. it's not just something i can change my mind about. i don't choose to be this way. it's called a disorder for a reason.
it's a disease. for me, it started out with wanting to be thin. i thought (ugh) britney spears had a great body, and my whole life, i'd never really put too much thought into my weight. i was 5'4", 125 lbs., and i could pass as having a good body.
but wouldn't it be great, i thought, to have abs like hers? to be a bit skinnier? shed some pounds? after doing research on the 'net, i realized that doing just sit-ups wouldn't be enough; i had to change my diet, stop eating all the shit that i ate, and then i'd begin to see results.
so i dieted. i stopped eating all the bad shit and started working out, and it was beginning to work. i was so psyched.
and then i found the pro-ana communities.
i'm not saying that they influenced me to the point where they were the reason things got extreme, but they definitely helped. those communities are all about giving support for weight loss, encouraging you to eat as little as possible. and i was in the mindset already where i just fed into it (no pun intended).
and so i began to eat as little as possible. over 1000 calories a day was too much. then 500 a day was too much. i'd put off eating for as long as i could each day so that at the end of the day, i could have a big meal. i counted the calories in everything, including gum and tic tacs. i'd keep a list of everything i'd eaten and i'd criticize myself for eating any more than i should.
and if i ate too much of something, i'd puke it up. it was just that easy. and i didn't do it all the time, so i didn't think it was a problem.
my lowest weight was 107. i wasn't happy with that. it was great and everything, but not low enough. 100 was my goal. but it wasn't even all about the weight, it was about the look. i was skinny, but not skinny enough. and what the fuck was food to keep me from getting there? why did food control me? it didn't, i told myself. i had to be the one in control.
it took almost two years for me to realize that having eating disorders didn't put me in control. it was the disorders, the food, that was controlling my life. every single thought everyday revolved around food. it was all i could think about. it was my life.
i was lucky enough to get to a point in my life where i realized that i wanted to be in control. my life was so miserable that no matter how skinny i would get, i wouldn't be happy. the happiness i'd have from seeing my hipbones would last about a minute, until i realized how much else of me needed work.
and so i decided to stop it. did it stop overnight? not even close. i had to stop reading the calories on packages, stop talking to my ana friends that i had amazing relationships with, stop weighing myself, stop scrutinizing every detail... it wasn't just changing my eating habits, it was changing my entire life from what it was.
i still struggle with my eating disorders everyday. i'm a lot better than i was, but i still can't help counting calories sometimes, i still have days where i feel the only way out is to puke, i still scrutinize every bodily detail.
the turning point, though, was when i realized how the food was controlling me. and, with support from friends and family, i've vowed never to get back to that way of life again. it's not easy and i don't pretend for a second to be recovered. i don't know if i ever will be.
but what i do know is that eating disorders aren't a choice. they're diseases that control every aspect of your mind and make you obsessed and depressed. they're serious and should be perceived that way.
and for those of you reading this who have eating disorders, i know nothing i say will make you want to get help, but there's no happiness at the end of this road. you're not in control. the food is controlling you. you are weak, no matter how strong you think this makes you. and the only thing that will ever bring you happiness isn't being thin; it's conquering this disorder.
that's when you'll see how strong you are.
what do i hear? how ungrateful we are that we can afford food but choose not to eat it. how we should just "eat a hamburger". how we're all a product of society's vision of perfection.
well, i can't speak for everyone who has an eating disorder, but i can speak for myself. hi. i have an eating disorder. most of you know that by now. i'm in recovery from anorexia and bulimia.
and let me just be the first to say that if you've never had an eating disorder, there's NO WAY you can judge those of us who have. you haven't been there. you don't know. it's not just something i can change my mind about. i don't choose to be this way. it's called a disorder for a reason.
it's a disease. for me, it started out with wanting to be thin. i thought (ugh) britney spears had a great body, and my whole life, i'd never really put too much thought into my weight. i was 5'4", 125 lbs., and i could pass as having a good body.
but wouldn't it be great, i thought, to have abs like hers? to be a bit skinnier? shed some pounds? after doing research on the 'net, i realized that doing just sit-ups wouldn't be enough; i had to change my diet, stop eating all the shit that i ate, and then i'd begin to see results.
so i dieted. i stopped eating all the bad shit and started working out, and it was beginning to work. i was so psyched.
and then i found the pro-ana communities.
i'm not saying that they influenced me to the point where they were the reason things got extreme, but they definitely helped. those communities are all about giving support for weight loss, encouraging you to eat as little as possible. and i was in the mindset already where i just fed into it (no pun intended).
and so i began to eat as little as possible. over 1000 calories a day was too much. then 500 a day was too much. i'd put off eating for as long as i could each day so that at the end of the day, i could have a big meal. i counted the calories in everything, including gum and tic tacs. i'd keep a list of everything i'd eaten and i'd criticize myself for eating any more than i should.
and if i ate too much of something, i'd puke it up. it was just that easy. and i didn't do it all the time, so i didn't think it was a problem.
my lowest weight was 107. i wasn't happy with that. it was great and everything, but not low enough. 100 was my goal. but it wasn't even all about the weight, it was about the look. i was skinny, but not skinny enough. and what the fuck was food to keep me from getting there? why did food control me? it didn't, i told myself. i had to be the one in control.
it took almost two years for me to realize that having eating disorders didn't put me in control. it was the disorders, the food, that was controlling my life. every single thought everyday revolved around food. it was all i could think about. it was my life.
i was lucky enough to get to a point in my life where i realized that i wanted to be in control. my life was so miserable that no matter how skinny i would get, i wouldn't be happy. the happiness i'd have from seeing my hipbones would last about a minute, until i realized how much else of me needed work.
and so i decided to stop it. did it stop overnight? not even close. i had to stop reading the calories on packages, stop talking to my ana friends that i had amazing relationships with, stop weighing myself, stop scrutinizing every detail... it wasn't just changing my eating habits, it was changing my entire life from what it was.
i still struggle with my eating disorders everyday. i'm a lot better than i was, but i still can't help counting calories sometimes, i still have days where i feel the only way out is to puke, i still scrutinize every bodily detail.
the turning point, though, was when i realized how the food was controlling me. and, with support from friends and family, i've vowed never to get back to that way of life again. it's not easy and i don't pretend for a second to be recovered. i don't know if i ever will be.
but what i do know is that eating disorders aren't a choice. they're diseases that control every aspect of your mind and make you obsessed and depressed. they're serious and should be perceived that way.
and for those of you reading this who have eating disorders, i know nothing i say will make you want to get help, but there's no happiness at the end of this road. you're not in control. the food is controlling you. you are weak, no matter how strong you think this makes you. and the only thing that will ever bring you happiness isn't being thin; it's conquering this disorder.
that's when you'll see how strong you are.