(no subject)
far too familiar with this hour of the night. far too familiar with this feeling, these thoughts. far too familiar with these conversations, these questions and the programmed replies. far too familiar with the process. far too familiar with this wetness. far too familiar with the logic behind this. far too familiar with the "talk to you later", the silent phone lines, the "whats the big deal?"
it's all too familiar, all too redundant, all too perfect, all too scary, all to likely too hurt again.
im afraid of going to sleep now, and dreaming all the things i used to dream when i was scared of him hurting me. im scared of going to sleep and re-living my walk back home when we should have been celebrating valentines day, imagening him over someone else's body, watching him lie to me naked in the shower, hearing him tell me he had to go when i was crying on new years eve, remembering the way it felt to find that box in his closet, remembering the way it felt to hear him tell me he loved her more. its like im back where i was before i got over him. i got over all this. i put away the memories, i put away the pain, i got over the fear of ever beeing this hurt again, i got over wanting him to hold me and kiss my head when i felt like this. i got over it i got over it. now here i am again, back where i was months ago, back in the terrified corner of my mind where everything he's ever made me fear laughs at me when im alone in my room and he's in his oblivious to anything that he's done before or now, except the few good moments he's given me.
dont get me wrong, this past week has been so amazing that i didnt know what to do with myself. i couldnt think of enough ways to tell him how happy he made me, how much i appreciated his efforts. i told him a hundred times, i even wrote it on a card, a thank you card, because he made me so happy, but now im just scared and he reacted to it the same way he always has, he raised his voice at me and brushed me off. "why do you assume im going to cheat on you. stop crying im not going to cheat on you" no, you will push me away, do it while were apart and then come back to me.
i need him to hold me like he didnt the first few days i was scared of being with him. i need him to talk to me like he did when i cried cause it was too good to be true. i need him, over all things, to let me talk to him and to understand and to reply to me in a way that i can believe him not that makes me feel like im just on his nerves and hes going to whatever he wants when we get off the phone.
is he going to hurt me again? i dont want to get hurt again. i dont think i can get past him one more time. it was too hard to do it before, i cant do it again.
please please please dont hurt me again.
i dont even want to go away anymore. if i do, i need to do it alone. if i do it alone, it might be worse than if i just (continue) to pretend nothing is wrong.
fuck
how do i get myself into this shit everytime. all because i want nothing more than his love, or his affection. his embrace, his lips, his voice before i close my eyes. is it worth being this scared when he does things wihout thinking? is it so stupid to worry when he does things without thinking?
it's all too familiar, all too redundant, all too perfect, all too scary, all to likely too hurt again.
im afraid of going to sleep now, and dreaming all the things i used to dream when i was scared of him hurting me. im scared of going to sleep and re-living my walk back home when we should have been celebrating valentines day, imagening him over someone else's body, watching him lie to me naked in the shower, hearing him tell me he had to go when i was crying on new years eve, remembering the way it felt to find that box in his closet, remembering the way it felt to hear him tell me he loved her more. its like im back where i was before i got over him. i got over all this. i put away the memories, i put away the pain, i got over the fear of ever beeing this hurt again, i got over wanting him to hold me and kiss my head when i felt like this. i got over it i got over it. now here i am again, back where i was months ago, back in the terrified corner of my mind where everything he's ever made me fear laughs at me when im alone in my room and he's in his oblivious to anything that he's done before or now, except the few good moments he's given me.
dont get me wrong, this past week has been so amazing that i didnt know what to do with myself. i couldnt think of enough ways to tell him how happy he made me, how much i appreciated his efforts. i told him a hundred times, i even wrote it on a card, a thank you card, because he made me so happy, but now im just scared and he reacted to it the same way he always has, he raised his voice at me and brushed me off. "why do you assume im going to cheat on you. stop crying im not going to cheat on you" no, you will push me away, do it while were apart and then come back to me.
i need him to hold me like he didnt the first few days i was scared of being with him. i need him to talk to me like he did when i cried cause it was too good to be true. i need him, over all things, to let me talk to him and to understand and to reply to me in a way that i can believe him not that makes me feel like im just on his nerves and hes going to whatever he wants when we get off the phone.
is he going to hurt me again? i dont want to get hurt again. i dont think i can get past him one more time. it was too hard to do it before, i cant do it again.
please please please dont hurt me again.
i dont even want to go away anymore. if i do, i need to do it alone. if i do it alone, it might be worse than if i just (continue) to pretend nothing is wrong.
fuck
how do i get myself into this shit everytime. all because i want nothing more than his love, or his affection. his embrace, his lips, his voice before i close my eyes. is it worth being this scared when he does things wihout thinking? is it so stupid to worry when he does things without thinking?