(no subject)
I think my big toe touched the bottom today. It's time to tread some water at the surface.
I've been incredibly unmotivated, lazy, and self loathing. This morning it all came rushing at me, and I was scared of what would happen if I gave into the feelings. If I lied down and looked for comfort through TV or internet entertainment. Stayed in my pajamas all day. Snacked on everything in the house.
I've been lonely. It's great being with EJ every day, but there's not the potential "run around" like I had in Kent to distract me. My friends had pretty much all moved out of Ohio, but stores were much closer than they are now, and it was much easier to distract myself from the loneliness. Aimless business was healing. Now I want productive business. I want to work towards a better me. One that plays music, makes enough money on crafts that I have to claim it as income on my taxes, be fit.
I'm great at breaking promises. I used to only break them to myself, it's gone beyond that. I thought, if I tell someone else this promise to myself, I won't break it because I would be letting them down. That stopped working. I talk a good talk, but never make the walk.
Is it different now? Or is this just a good day? It's better than it usually is, I'm not just "working on a plan for tomorrow" I'm starting right now. I want others to be proud of me, I want to be proud of myself.
I've been incredibly unmotivated, lazy, and self loathing. This morning it all came rushing at me, and I was scared of what would happen if I gave into the feelings. If I lied down and looked for comfort through TV or internet entertainment. Stayed in my pajamas all day. Snacked on everything in the house.
I've been lonely. It's great being with EJ every day, but there's not the potential "run around" like I had in Kent to distract me. My friends had pretty much all moved out of Ohio, but stores were much closer than they are now, and it was much easier to distract myself from the loneliness. Aimless business was healing. Now I want productive business. I want to work towards a better me. One that plays music, makes enough money on crafts that I have to claim it as income on my taxes, be fit.
I'm great at breaking promises. I used to only break them to myself, it's gone beyond that. I thought, if I tell someone else this promise to myself, I won't break it because I would be letting them down. That stopped working. I talk a good talk, but never make the walk.
Is it different now? Or is this just a good day? It's better than it usually is, I'm not just "working on a plan for tomorrow" I'm starting right now. I want others to be proud of me, I want to be proud of myself.