Teasing, Vibrators, and Opening Up
I've made a new habit. Most every Monday, you can find me with the pretty boys I can't touch, singing karaoke at Mirabar. It's smoky, and the plethora of beautiful gay boys I can drool at but not touch is somewhat frustrating in my uber-horny state, but it's also teaching me to sing (pop) songs with real-time music. As opposed to the music in my head. I'm accustomed to just singing a cappela, but I'm learning to not be thrown off by some odd bass note or whatever. I have fun, and sometimes Fawn is there for me to talk to.
I haven't started flirting with Fawn yet, really. My heart is warmed with affection towards her, but I'm still trying to sound her out. That wary look in her eyes when she gazes at anyone but her very closest friends . . . is that anxiety, shyness, or a warning flag of some trying insanity? All I know is that she's very much my type, and I feel myself becoming a dangerous predator around her. Want to be friendly? Sure, Fawn, I can do that. But give me an opening, just the slightest little chance, and I'll have you on your back and screaming with delight in a flick of a feather. Til then, I'll pad in circles, getting a noseful of your scent and trying to figure out, from this distance, if you're good eating or not.
Soxboi, my karaoke companion, is now comfortable enough with me to play-flirt. I really don't mind, although it is a tease. I'm soooooo ready for a new lover, and he just happens to be one of the hottest gay men in the Northeast. If he wanted to lick just one more carpet, I'd happily oblige him.
So it really wasn't fair, what happened tonight. I was sitting in a chair and he turned around from his pool game and gyrated his hips at me, as if to suggest I should be sucking his cock about now. Naturally, I responded by standing on my chair and pushing his head towards my slightly juicy vulva. I expected him to do some normal gay-boi exclamation of disgust. I was so sure he'd do one, that I didn't really listen to his reaction, I just got off the chair, patted his back, and said, "That's what I thought!"
He said, "No, really, I got skills in that area. I've slept with more womyn than men!"
I bit my cheek, because the next thing my brain wanted me to say would cross the line from playful flirting into ew-there's-a-girl-trying-to-get-into-my-pants-ness. He may be gay, but he's on the rebound . . . I could probably seduce him, if I could be subtle enough. Or get him inebriated enough.
Please, gay men of the world, don't toy with me. I feel like I'm in heat. The voyeurism I got to do on Friday night didn't do anything to quench me. I'm burning, and my sole lover is sick. See, this is why I like to keep at least two around. Got to have one as backup.
Luckily, I have a new toy to play with. Which is in the bedroom with the sick sleeping boi- shit! Guess my own fingers will have to do, for tonight. Anyway, Miko sends me a gift certificate every year for my birthday. This year, I used it to get some manga and my very first silicone vibrator. It's made by a German company called Fun Factory. They seem to understand, better than any other silicone makers I've seen, that people who buy vibrators may not necessarily be looking for things that are shaped like cocks. All their vibrators are roughly the circumference and length of fine cocks, but the shapes are . . . anything from a figure of a womyn to a sandworm (that one is actually named Dune) to a dolphin, to my cool indigo ribbed thing. Rather looks like something H.R. Giger designed- maybe this is the vibrator that the Alien Queens themselves use?
So far, I've made myself come hard every time on its lowest vibration setting. It's so powerful, it thrums through me. I sometimes turn it up when I'm in afterglow, just to feel the sensations intensify again. Dear Gods, (especially Eros) this thing could make me come so hard I cry. I've used it four times, and twice I was relaxed and wet enough to insert about an inch of it inside of me. Slight soreness afterwards, no other negative or positive reactions. There are definitely muscles (or something, perhaps even a hymen) that need relaxing before I can get the vibrator farther inside.
Told you I was a late bloomer.
My curiousity about intercourse is finally overcoming my pregnancy phobia. If you're surprised that a womyn who's had 15 male lovers and been married for a year and a half is just beginning to be interested in penetrative sex, you need to go back and read this.
There's a whole other entry I have to write about my new philosophy. I'm going to follow my curiosities, embrace change, see what lies over that next mountain. Becoming a stoner grrl hasn't yet turned me into a crackwhore, or even a pothead. I'm running out of Mary Jane, and it's not bothering me in the slightest. I'll get more when I have money and feel like it. I don't need that stuff, it's one of many nice ways to relax from a stressful day. I've been doing more art than pot lately, anyway.
Back to First Intercourse. My initial thought was that I should get sterilization surgery before I even started the process of opening myself up. But I have to admit, I'm just not that patient. I certainly want that surgery, as soon as I can possibly manage it . . . how free it would be, to have sex without the slightest twinge of pregancy-fear! I don't even have that, now. Unless we're not doing outercourse . . . but I really like outercourse. I like skin rubbing against skin, and looking into his eyes and knowing what is making my lips and clit feel so good is simultaneously stimulating his cock.
So, I'm going to fuck (yeah, really penis-inside-vagina fucking) for a while before being sterilized. I have a question for you know-it-all smartypantses out there. What forms of birth control do you suggest? I'm planning on doing 13 seperate nights of intercourse (13's as good a number as any) to figure out whether I like it or not. If I like it, I'll go on some more permenantish birth control. If I don't, I'll go back to the healthy, varied love life I had before and not have to worry about it.
So what form of birth control would you suggest for short-term use? I'm leaning towards condoms + spermicidal jelly, but I'll research this a lot more. What would you suggest for long-term?
I might try the patch, possibly the depro-provera shots . . . I know I can't remember to take a pill every day. If possible, I'd love a long-term solution that didn't unbalance my hormones. But that IUD insertion sounds like the most awfullest torture ever, from galeogirl's description. Of the hormone-unbalancing things out there, shutting down my reproductive system sounds much better than telling my body I'm pretend-pregnant. I wish it didn't involve four shots a year. I don't like shots.
I feel kind of like a bumbling dork. It took me a few tries before I even figured out that penetration was next to impossible at the angle I had been holding the vibrator.
I always thought that this would be done by Julius, not me. The Opening Up part. First one of his fingers, then two . . . eventually three, four. Then . . . slooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwly and with lots of lube and after I've had enough alcohol/pot to relax me completely . . . . I lie there and focus on my breathing as he shoves this gigantic thing into a space which doesn't always have an easy time accepting tampons. At least that last part is how a female "loss of virginity" has been displayed to me, in countless accounts and fictionalized stories.
I don't want that. Fingernails hurt, a helluva lot. I want to play with my new vibrator and train myself, open myself, awaken myself. Teach myself to find pleasure by this new method. I may need Julius' help, but I still want it to be mostly me who teaches me to come via a vibrator. After all, it was me who taught me to come via fingers, thighs, and other items. When I've learned thoroughly, when I can slip the vibrator in me fairly easily and come without turning on its magical deep humming even once . . . that's when I want to straddle Julius and ease myself onto his warm, alive cock.
Yes, I was this pig-headed and self-directed about all of the other aspects of my sexuality. First kiss, first sex, first womyn . . . all on my terms, when I was ready and not a moment before.
Soon, I'll find out what all the fuss is about. I'm sure I can do that without becoming mundane.
This is going to be fun. :9
I haven't started flirting with Fawn yet, really. My heart is warmed with affection towards her, but I'm still trying to sound her out. That wary look in her eyes when she gazes at anyone but her very closest friends . . . is that anxiety, shyness, or a warning flag of some trying insanity? All I know is that she's very much my type, and I feel myself becoming a dangerous predator around her. Want to be friendly? Sure, Fawn, I can do that. But give me an opening, just the slightest little chance, and I'll have you on your back and screaming with delight in a flick of a feather. Til then, I'll pad in circles, getting a noseful of your scent and trying to figure out, from this distance, if you're good eating or not.
Soxboi, my karaoke companion, is now comfortable enough with me to play-flirt. I really don't mind, although it is a tease. I'm soooooo ready for a new lover, and he just happens to be one of the hottest gay men in the Northeast. If he wanted to lick just one more carpet, I'd happily oblige him.
So it really wasn't fair, what happened tonight. I was sitting in a chair and he turned around from his pool game and gyrated his hips at me, as if to suggest I should be sucking his cock about now. Naturally, I responded by standing on my chair and pushing his head towards my slightly juicy vulva. I expected him to do some normal gay-boi exclamation of disgust. I was so sure he'd do one, that I didn't really listen to his reaction, I just got off the chair, patted his back, and said, "That's what I thought!"
He said, "No, really, I got skills in that area. I've slept with more womyn than men!"
I bit my cheek, because the next thing my brain wanted me to say would cross the line from playful flirting into ew-there's-a-girl-trying-to-get-into-my-pants-ness. He may be gay, but he's on the rebound . . . I could probably seduce him, if I could be subtle enough. Or get him inebriated enough.
Please, gay men of the world, don't toy with me. I feel like I'm in heat. The voyeurism I got to do on Friday night didn't do anything to quench me. I'm burning, and my sole lover is sick. See, this is why I like to keep at least two around. Got to have one as backup.
Luckily, I have a new toy to play with. Which is in the bedroom with the sick sleeping boi- shit! Guess my own fingers will have to do, for tonight. Anyway, Miko sends me a gift certificate every year for my birthday. This year, I used it to get some manga and my very first silicone vibrator. It's made by a German company called Fun Factory. They seem to understand, better than any other silicone makers I've seen, that people who buy vibrators may not necessarily be looking for things that are shaped like cocks. All their vibrators are roughly the circumference and length of fine cocks, but the shapes are . . . anything from a figure of a womyn to a sandworm (that one is actually named Dune) to a dolphin, to my cool indigo ribbed thing. Rather looks like something H.R. Giger designed- maybe this is the vibrator that the Alien Queens themselves use?
So far, I've made myself come hard every time on its lowest vibration setting. It's so powerful, it thrums through me. I sometimes turn it up when I'm in afterglow, just to feel the sensations intensify again. Dear Gods, (especially Eros) this thing could make me come so hard I cry. I've used it four times, and twice I was relaxed and wet enough to insert about an inch of it inside of me. Slight soreness afterwards, no other negative or positive reactions. There are definitely muscles (or something, perhaps even a hymen) that need relaxing before I can get the vibrator farther inside.
Told you I was a late bloomer.
My curiousity about intercourse is finally overcoming my pregnancy phobia. If you're surprised that a womyn who's had 15 male lovers and been married for a year and a half is just beginning to be interested in penetrative sex, you need to go back and read this.
There's a whole other entry I have to write about my new philosophy. I'm going to follow my curiosities, embrace change, see what lies over that next mountain. Becoming a stoner grrl hasn't yet turned me into a crackwhore, or even a pothead. I'm running out of Mary Jane, and it's not bothering me in the slightest. I'll get more when I have money and feel like it. I don't need that stuff, it's one of many nice ways to relax from a stressful day. I've been doing more art than pot lately, anyway.
Back to First Intercourse. My initial thought was that I should get sterilization surgery before I even started the process of opening myself up. But I have to admit, I'm just not that patient. I certainly want that surgery, as soon as I can possibly manage it . . . how free it would be, to have sex without the slightest twinge of pregancy-fear! I don't even have that, now. Unless we're not doing outercourse . . . but I really like outercourse. I like skin rubbing against skin, and looking into his eyes and knowing what is making my lips and clit feel so good is simultaneously stimulating his cock.
So, I'm going to fuck (yeah, really penis-inside-vagina fucking) for a while before being sterilized. I have a question for you know-it-all smartypantses out there. What forms of birth control do you suggest? I'm planning on doing 13 seperate nights of intercourse (13's as good a number as any) to figure out whether I like it or not. If I like it, I'll go on some more permenantish birth control. If I don't, I'll go back to the healthy, varied love life I had before and not have to worry about it.
So what form of birth control would you suggest for short-term use? I'm leaning towards condoms + spermicidal jelly, but I'll research this a lot more. What would you suggest for long-term?
I might try the patch, possibly the depro-provera shots . . . I know I can't remember to take a pill every day. If possible, I'd love a long-term solution that didn't unbalance my hormones. But that IUD insertion sounds like the most awfullest torture ever, from galeogirl's description. Of the hormone-unbalancing things out there, shutting down my reproductive system sounds much better than telling my body I'm pretend-pregnant. I wish it didn't involve four shots a year. I don't like shots.
I feel kind of like a bumbling dork. It took me a few tries before I even figured out that penetration was next to impossible at the angle I had been holding the vibrator.
I always thought that this would be done by Julius, not me. The Opening Up part. First one of his fingers, then two . . . eventually three, four. Then . . . slooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwly and with lots of lube and after I've had enough alcohol/pot to relax me completely . . . . I lie there and focus on my breathing as he shoves this gigantic thing into a space which doesn't always have an easy time accepting tampons. At least that last part is how a female "loss of virginity" has been displayed to me, in countless accounts and fictionalized stories.
I don't want that. Fingernails hurt, a helluva lot. I want to play with my new vibrator and train myself, open myself, awaken myself. Teach myself to find pleasure by this new method. I may need Julius' help, but I still want it to be mostly me who teaches me to come via a vibrator. After all, it was me who taught me to come via fingers, thighs, and other items. When I've learned thoroughly, when I can slip the vibrator in me fairly easily and come without turning on its magical deep humming even once . . . that's when I want to straddle Julius and ease myself onto his warm, alive cock.
Yes, I was this pig-headed and self-directed about all of the other aspects of my sexuality. First kiss, first sex, first womyn . . . all on my terms, when I was ready and not a moment before.
Soon, I'll find out what all the fuss is about. I'm sure I can do that without becoming mundane.
This is going to be fun. :9