(no subject)
My life changed last night. It doesn't matter what his answer is, the point is that I have proven I can commit to a person if the circumstances are right and the love is large enough.
I am surprised how nervous I was, going down to the lagoon.
I am surprised how much I want him to say yes.
I love that boy. I don't want anyone to take him away from me. But if it has to be someone, I'd rather it not be just a stupid government agency.
I have butterflies in my tummy. I feel twinkly. I feel high. I feel confused.
Is it strange or perfectly natural that all life-changing decisions that I make, I make in my Manic Modes? When Depressed, I don't feel like I can change anything.
Just For The Record:
I took him down to the lagoon near my house on a hot night. June 25th, to be exact, the first full moon since I made my decision that I could get him to go for a night-walk with me. The journey to the tip of the lagoon was strange and mysterious. I stopped often to wait for him to catch up . . . I felt like a fae guide to a dark realm or something. I was very, very nervous. When we sat down, he was withdrawn. I had to ask him to hold my hand. I asked him what he thought about staying here, and he said he missed his friends, his life . . . even working. I half-expected that, but it made me hesitate. Then I asked him if he'd like to play a Trick.
He: On who?
Me: On everybody we know.
(silence, I put my mouth on his shoulder)
Me: Do you want to know what it is?
He: Yeah, that's why I'm quiet.
Me: Will you marry me?
He looks at me for a moment. Even in the dark I see the volume of expression in his face. I no longer envy Bob for seeing the look on her first lover's face as she allowed him to enter her for the first time. I no longer think much of the way Levi looked at me in that rainy gazebo in New Zealand. I think this moment is the most romantic moment of my entire life. The volume of emotion is indescribable.
Then I tell him, in a rush, my reasons, the history of my decision, how we shouldn't tell our parents/friends at all . . . or at least, not 'til after we sign a piece of paper in front of a judge. I don't want a wedding now, I don't want that party I imagined I'd have someday in Hawaii or Europe or some other halfway-spot. Where our parents could finally meet. Where our friends could finally meet. Where we could blend our lives for one lovely moment. I don't want it now and I respect his wishes to go back to Australia for a while . . . I just want this bullshit to be over. I'm sick of this paperwork. I'm sick of dreading a letter from the INS. I don't want to spend another few months (or . . . Gods . . . years!) as a lazy fuck in Australia. I want to be able to work, to form a real life with him. And still spend times apart. He needs to live the bachelor life with his buddies in his crashhouse for a while. I need to live in NYC for a while. I'm just sick of all this paper work.
If we strip away all the meanings that have been heaped onto "marriage", if we just pare it down to one thing: I love this person more than any other person in the world. I want the right to walk by his side, whenever we both want to do so. I enjoy this person's presence above any other. Then it makes perfect sense to be married. I'm trying to say that word more, so I can think it without shuddering.
Married doesn't mean I have to be a mother. Married doesn't mean I have to cart Julius everwhere, or that I can't have sex with anyone else but him. Married doesn't mean I'll be unappealing, gain a hundred pounds, start smoking and perfect my nagging skills. Marriage is love turned law. If we're married, they can't deny us anything ever again. And all of the conservatives we know (if any) will just shut the hell up, if any of them think of us now as "living in sin" or whatever. Marriage of convenience with someone I'm madly in love with. I'm ready. Let's do this.
I'll send part of this to Julius.
Oh yeah. As I was explaining my reasons, he felt my forehead- was I sick? I laughed through my tears. When we left the woods, we saw the full, orange moon. The rabbit was leaping straight up into the air. I took that as a good sign, but it remains to be seen.
I hope he says yes. In the movies, the answer is always instant. Every hour he doesn't answer is excrutiating.
I'm madly in love with him. If he says no, I have to find a way not to see that as a rejection.
I am surprised how nervous I was, going down to the lagoon.
I am surprised how much I want him to say yes.
I love that boy. I don't want anyone to take him away from me. But if it has to be someone, I'd rather it not be just a stupid government agency.
I have butterflies in my tummy. I feel twinkly. I feel high. I feel confused.
Is it strange or perfectly natural that all life-changing decisions that I make, I make in my Manic Modes? When Depressed, I don't feel like I can change anything.
Just For The Record:
I took him down to the lagoon near my house on a hot night. June 25th, to be exact, the first full moon since I made my decision that I could get him to go for a night-walk with me. The journey to the tip of the lagoon was strange and mysterious. I stopped often to wait for him to catch up . . . I felt like a fae guide to a dark realm or something. I was very, very nervous. When we sat down, he was withdrawn. I had to ask him to hold my hand. I asked him what he thought about staying here, and he said he missed his friends, his life . . . even working. I half-expected that, but it made me hesitate. Then I asked him if he'd like to play a Trick.
He: On who?
Me: On everybody we know.
(silence, I put my mouth on his shoulder)
Me: Do you want to know what it is?
He: Yeah, that's why I'm quiet.
Me: Will you marry me?
He looks at me for a moment. Even in the dark I see the volume of expression in his face. I no longer envy Bob for seeing the look on her first lover's face as she allowed him to enter her for the first time. I no longer think much of the way Levi looked at me in that rainy gazebo in New Zealand. I think this moment is the most romantic moment of my entire life. The volume of emotion is indescribable.
Then I tell him, in a rush, my reasons, the history of my decision, how we shouldn't tell our parents/friends at all . . . or at least, not 'til after we sign a piece of paper in front of a judge. I don't want a wedding now, I don't want that party I imagined I'd have someday in Hawaii or Europe or some other halfway-spot. Where our parents could finally meet. Where our friends could finally meet. Where we could blend our lives for one lovely moment. I don't want it now and I respect his wishes to go back to Australia for a while . . . I just want this bullshit to be over. I'm sick of this paperwork. I'm sick of dreading a letter from the INS. I don't want to spend another few months (or . . . Gods . . . years!) as a lazy fuck in Australia. I want to be able to work, to form a real life with him. And still spend times apart. He needs to live the bachelor life with his buddies in his crashhouse for a while. I need to live in NYC for a while. I'm just sick of all this paper work.
If we strip away all the meanings that have been heaped onto "marriage", if we just pare it down to one thing: I love this person more than any other person in the world. I want the right to walk by his side, whenever we both want to do so. I enjoy this person's presence above any other. Then it makes perfect sense to be married. I'm trying to say that word more, so I can think it without shuddering.
Married doesn't mean I have to be a mother. Married doesn't mean I have to cart Julius everwhere, or that I can't have sex with anyone else but him. Married doesn't mean I'll be unappealing, gain a hundred pounds, start smoking and perfect my nagging skills. Marriage is love turned law. If we're married, they can't deny us anything ever again. And all of the conservatives we know (if any) will just shut the hell up, if any of them think of us now as "living in sin" or whatever. Marriage of convenience with someone I'm madly in love with. I'm ready. Let's do this.
I'll send part of this to Julius.
Oh yeah. As I was explaining my reasons, he felt my forehead- was I sick? I laughed through my tears. When we left the woods, we saw the full, orange moon. The rabbit was leaping straight up into the air. I took that as a good sign, but it remains to be seen.
I hope he says yes. In the movies, the answer is always instant. Every hour he doesn't answer is excrutiating.
I'm madly in love with him. If he says no, I have to find a way not to see that as a rejection.