(no subject)
I’m back from my Northeast adventure, I’ve been back for a week actually. Definitely not as depressed as I was at one week post-Disney World, but I’m likely to write up that travel before the rollercoaster that was my first trip back to Trigger City.
I just dreamed that I was really making strides in my social life here in the Bay Area. I was taking several classes at UC Berkeley, it was early in the semester and of course I had no idea where I was supposed to be on what day. But I somehow found the right class and these two cute college-age black dudes immediately were interested in me. Maybe due to the prevalence of ENM in the local culture, they made no effort to “be the one” to win me over, they were content to both date me.
One was more aggressive in his efforts, though- he begged for a kiss after class and I allowed the briefest meeting of lips, but pulled back. “Please, I know it’s been a long pandemic, but I can’t move fast.” He was contented with hugs and letting him put his arm over his shoulders and even hold hands. I was dizzy with the delight in so much contact after so long.
He must have promised me a ride home with his friends, not sure why I’d agree to be driven a few blocks but there I was, in a car that comfortably sat me and three others in its long back seat at one point. My beau gave me snacks (smart dude) while I tried to type “1451 Shattuck” into the navigation guidance of a huge tablet with weird input buttons- no keyboard, and I could not for the life of me find the space bar. But it was quickly obvious it was going to be a long time until I was home. I must’ve not been paying attention when we were crossing the Bay Bridge, but the hills and dense housing that were outside the windows told me clearly that we were already in the city. (I refuse to capitalize that, The City is always and only NYC. Also I checked immediately upon waking, and 1451 Shattuck is a fine place to be dropped off, it’s my local CVS.)
We picked up a woman who reminded me of one of the theatre kids in high school, skinny and pretty with short blonde hair, she’d been getting leads for like, her last four shows or something. Anyway, we started talking right away, and I explained to her the “sexy lamp” concept, which she liked. As I woke, it was clear I was in for many more hours with this group, which sounded lovely to me.
In waking life, my coupling mechanism appears to be broken. I still cannot even conceive of starting to date, and even making friends is harder than it used to be. Being left by someone I loved for 23.5 years may have permanently damaged my ability to trust, and I don’t know how to fix that. Also I can’t really engage with the kink scene until I have more income, a night out at Playxland is at least $35 not including travel. Dungeons are about the same if I volunteer, and ridiculous if I don’t. They also include enduring a rapid covid test- I’ve now done one so I know what to expect, but it’s pretty uncomfortable and I’d rather not. There’s also the embarrassment of knowing I’m back to where I was in my early days of kink, I’ll go and get to watch many scenes but probably not participate in any. Unless it’s a gauntlet or some other scene where strangers are explicitly invited.
I’m ending my pity party right there so I can feed my cat and start my day. Fuck that.